I died forty-five minutes ago. Perhaps I should start from the beginning.
We sat down at the table to play a little bit of Dungeons and Dragons when Biggboy looked over at me and said, "Let's all play something we've never played before." Now eEveryone got all excited about the prospect of playing some kookie class like a Truename Mage or a Dread Necromancer while I just sat there looking at my Player's Handbook and tried to remember why I hate magic users so much. So as they're pulling out books and giggling to themselves about how cool it's going to be to play a Stonechild Freemason I'm rolling stats. Me? I'm playing a fucking wizard.
9 - Strength
12 - Dexterity
7 - Constitution
14 - Intelligence
10 - Wisdom
16 - Charisma
A 7? Really? Who rolls a fucking 7?
Anyway, I'm flipping pages and building a wizard because I've never played one. Poot is leaning over my shoulder and trying to help me not fuck this up because while everyone else is playing some class I've never heard of I'm the only one slumming it with the basics. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for his help because I honestly don't know how to build a wizard for 3.5, let alone any other edition. So he's telling me about components and Concentration checks and I'm trying to figure out if there's someone at the table I can con into buying me full-plate.
See I've always enjoyed playing combat classes so as I'm building my 2 hit point wizard I keep muttering to myself that there has to be a way to keep myself alive through this night's session. I pick up a sling, dagger and attempt to con Poot into loaning me 50 gd so that I can buy Padded Leather Armor and have a little breathing room in my fictional financial situation, but there seems to be something really interesting on the ceiling that's absorbed him and I decide to let the loan go.
The game starts and we're in this old, abandoned tomb where some dead guy long ago got burried for being really fucking awesome. We're here to kick open his dirt stained door and take all his plunder - because tombs are always filled with plunder. The party of five consists of two pseudo-fighter/mage hybrids with different class names, one wizard/cleric combo who's name makes me think of disentary, a thief/wizard combo that sounds like it came straight out of someone's fan fic, and me, a fucking wizard with 2 hp.
Now everyone else is kicking open doors and talking in loud, booming voices while I'm making sure that I'm stuck right in the middle with my knife in one hand and my sling in the other. Well it doesn't take long before Bullhorn the Mighty and her door busting foot attracts the attention of seven wraiths. Now everyone's casting spells and swinging weapons like two year olds in the ball pit at McDonald's and I'm creeping back down the hall having left my dagger in one of the pseudo-fighter/mage hybrid's thigh after my third natural 1 of the night.
What the am I doing. Wizards are fucking useless!
"Have you thought about casting a spell?" Poot asked me.
Oh? I guess I could cast one. Eat Light you bitches! That's when we found out about the Grell who'd been sneaking up on me. Like I said, I died forty-five minutes ago.
Seven wraiths and a grell? For a first-level party? Geez, how about next time, everyone makes up their characters, min/max the shit out of them, and when your "DM" says you're all in a cave/tavern/brothel/whatever, you each take your daggers and slit your own throats.
ReplyDeleteThat was my general thought as well.
Delete"Seven wraiths and a grell? For a first-level party? Geez, how about next time, everyone makes up their characters, min/max the shit out of them, and when your "DM" says you're all in a cave/tavern/brothel/whatever, you each take your daggers and slit your own throats."
DeleteHa!
Yeah, that was a bit much. Funny as hell, but a bit much. LOL
ReplyDeleteI don't see the problem.
DeleteWe all died fairly and we'll destroy his next campaign without thinking about it . . .
Hilarious stuff!
ReplyDelete:D
DeleteMe too I never liked magic-user, but really 7 wraiths and a grell for 5 first lvl PC is definitely not balanced... it seems strange that died only your PC! :)
ReplyDeleteI was just the first. :)
DeleteTPK! The first weapon in the hands of a DM! ;)
DeleteFirst and last!
DeleteI think you played a little something they call D&D.
ReplyDeleteI hate D&D.
Oh, and you played a Wizard. A Wizard in a Fantasy Game. Oh wait sorry, a Wizard in D&D.
Did I mention I hate D&D?
I like D&D. :)
DeleteThat's OK. I still think you're cool. :)
DeleteYou know, this reminds of the time I tried to play a thief. Though we had a few friends who play them religiously, I have never been able to play one worth a damn. Though you should listen to me more often, Poot will not lead you astray.
ReplyDeleteSays the man who's trying to cut me out of the will ;P
DeleteActually the correct wizard expression is "eat magic missile bitches" and I don't even know why you have your sling and dagger out 'cause your only going to hurt yourself with them. Sleep used to be another standby but it's totally worthless on wraiths and probably the grell too. Your job as a first level wizard is to hide in the middle of the party until you hit second level. If you save your sleep spell for the revenge ambush at the end (you know the one, its the random encounter that shows after the boss battle which ground all the hit points out of the fighters and heals out of the clerics), you just may be the hero that gets the party out alive. If you can con your DM into it, see if he'll let you buy some higher level spell scrolls (again husband those one shots like they were solid gold) and hope for some sort of wand in the loot. Once you hit fifth level and start throwing fireballs you'll think playing a wizard is great, but its a long hall.
ReplyDeleteP.S. skip the light spell, hire a torchbearer instead. That way you can shove the torchbearer in front of the grell, while you are on your way running to the exit.
ReplyDeleteIf only you had been there I might have lived another day! :D
DeleteThis man speaks wisdom!
ReplyDelete/and I like playing wizards!
And Magic Missile is NOT the spell for a 1st level wizard in most versions of D&D. The spell you want is Sleep.
That's what my little brother told me after reading this post!
Delete