Showing posts with label Life Note. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life Note. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Dictionaries Are Filled With Words About How Much of a Dork You Are

I don't collect a lot of things. Let me rephrase that so I'm not a lying bastard. I don't build up large collections because once things become more than a couple shelf loads I start getting rid of things. I just don't like the clutter. Anyway, shortly after I graduated high school I was working with my Aunt and she gave me a dictionary from when she was in high school. So like I have it and since she passed it's, of course, never going to go away. But at the time it was just this cinder block that I kind of lugged about as I moved time, and time, and time again. 

In my third year of college I was writing a paper about ethics, which is one of my favorite subjects even though I don't think I've ever talked about it on here, when the power went out. I am a terrible speller, my mother is a terrible speller, so when the power went out and my word processor was gone I went scrambling for a dictionary. The only one I had was the one my Aunt had given me. Now I start flipping through the thing making sure that I've spelled everything correctly and that the words mean what I think they mean. That's when I first noticed the change that occurs in word definitions over time. It should have been obvious since I tended to read a lot of beat generation authors at the time but it just escaped me until that moment. And that was when I started picking up dictionaries to check out the differences. So like I have four dictionaries in my house right now and my wife just asked me when I was going to get rid of some of them and I told her that she could have them when she pried them out my god-damned hands. 

Perhaps I have a problem. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

It's Okay, Billie Said I Could Come In

My Uncle Donald died last night and I'm going to be a pallbearer on Friday. It's not the tradition in my family to mourn our losses but to celebrate their lives and I am doing my best even though my heart is breaking.

If you don't mind I'm going end this post here as I've a lot to do before I can head to bed tonight. 


Monday, August 18, 2014

I'm Sure It's Fine.

Sunday was one of those days where I just didn't have a great time. My son, however, had a fantastic time. He spent the day running about my parents' house destroying his cousins' toys and leaping off furniture. He screamed at the miniature horse in the field and tried to get his Uncle in trouble by telling his Grandmother than he was bad. 

I, on the other hand, was dealing with a situation with my wife's car when I was out of town; which meant that I didn't sleep but four hours. I took most of the day getting back down to home and then screaming at a car that was completely fine that had made me worry far too much over the last twenty-four hours.



Winning life over here my friends, I'm winning life.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Only Words Can Break Your Heart

Because.

"I don't think I love you anymore," was the worst thing I ever heard someone say to me. We weren't dating; we'd never made love, but we had been close since before I could remember there being a difference between men and women. I can remember standing there while she walked back up the steps and closed the door.

I walked back to the truck and spun her about as I raced back up the hill. Neil Young was crooning his way through A Man Needs a Maid as I hit the interstate and watched the speedometer peg at 85. I don't think I love you anymore? The fuck is wrong with her? Lights were flashing as they came racing out of a highway patrolman's hideaway and I pushed the truck faster as I took the curve on two wheels. I mean, I don't want to be friends should have been enough - but I don't love you anymore? Why go that far?

I slipped up the on-ramp and down a back road as the highway patrol overshot the exit and sent a explosion of burnt tire smoke into the air. A right, a left, and two straightaways later I was pulling onto a road named for a Medal of Honor winner still trying to understand what had just happened to us. Somehow I ended up at Third Person's house. He was outside playing basketball with his younger sister. They welcomed me and I told Third Person about what she'd said. "That's fucked up," his little sister said as she climbed up next to me on the hood and slid my arm around her waist.

"Don't take it personally, Charles," Third Person said as he made a shot. "She's just got some seriously fucked people in her ear right now."

Oh?

"Yeah," he said as he watched his sister slide my hand higher up her side and nuzzle in against my neck. "Apparently the Sisters have been telling her that you were bragging that the two of you fucked."

What? Why the fuck would they think I would ever say something like that. 

"People say stupid shit," his little sister said as she kissed the nape of my neck. "You shouldn't focus on them." Third Person grabbed her hand and pulled her off the hood of my truck, "And you shouldn't be using this as a way to fuck with him."

"I wasn't planning on fucking with him," she shouted at him. "I wanted to fuck him."

Man, I said as she ran inside, this day has been so weird.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Picking Friends on the Internet Playground


The last few weeks have been really interesting for me in that I have learned a lot about the etiquette of various social media these days. I have learned from the consultant controversy that you are not supposed to key people you're talking badly about into the conversation; nor are you supposed to do so on Twitter; nor in your blog posts. I think that's a coward's way to deal with issues that you have with other people. 

So let me state this unequivocally for everyone who reads me. If I bring your name up in a post then I will key you in on Google+ because you deserve to know if you're being discussed. Good, bad, or indifferent; to deny you the right to defend yourself if such is called for is devalue my own words and those of my readers.

A few other things that you should know about how I have been conducting myself, and will continue to do so in the future. 
  • If I fuck up in a post, and make a mistake, I fully intend to own up to it. 
  • If you present evidence in your arguments that is convincing I'll tell you you're right. I gain nothing by ignoring new evidence and trying to show you how big my metaphorical cock is online.
  • If I don't care about what we're talking about I'll tell you that too.
  • I will continue to curse in ways that amuse me.
  • My titles will sometimes have nothing to do with what I'm writing about.
  • My descriptions on Google+ will almost never deal with the post.
  • I don't care about your gender, what clothes (and how much clothing) you choose to wear, your job, your race, or sexual orientation. I only care about what you're creating and saying.
  • I will treat you fairly so long as you treat me the same. 
  • I will read people that aren't popular and support them when they do things I like regardless of how other people view them.
  • I will continue to be as honest as I can in my posts and in my interactions with each of you. I will fuck this up occasionally because I am only human, but when I do I will try to make it right by owning my lies. 
  • I will rarely be talking about politics because this blog isn't focused on such things.
If you find this sort of etiquette unpalatable then it has been nice having you as a reader and I'm sorry to see you go. This is the way that I have been standing for a long while now and it is how I intend to go on for the foreseeable future.

There now; I feel better now that I've cleared the air and there are no delusions that I will be conducting myself in a manner that offends my delicate sensibilities. 

Friday, August 1, 2014

Herding Cats and Running for Large Groups


The first time that I ever ran a game of Dungeons and Dragons I had fifteen players. 

It wasn't supposed to happen like that because the plan was that I would be running in a small backroom in Elton's Lifetime Loser Lounge (a local game-ish store) for three or four people. My brother, Poot, was setting things up for me since I was pulling ridiculous hours at my job. He had reserved the room and let two of our friends know about the game. So you can imagine my surprise when I walked in that evening and found out that we would have to be playing in the big room.

Naturally, I figured, the other rooms must already have groups playing in them, but as I walked down the hallway I was the only person in the back rooms. I started setting up my gear and in came Poot with the two players I had planned on. As they set down and started rolling up their characters more people kept coming in and asking me how we were rolling stats - and like a damned fool I told them! Not once did it occur to me that I should say, Listen this is a closed game. It's just going to be the four of us. Instead I just kept answering their questions and making notes in my book hoping that it wouldn't sprawl into the sort of massive cluster-fuck that would keep everyone from ever playing with me again. 

The table filled up, everyone was done making their characters, and they were all looking at me. I looked back at them and thought, Well, I'm fucked, and started running. 



When you read about running for large groups one of the first things you'll notice is that online most everyone talks about tables with eight to twelve players and its generally spoken of in the same terms that you use for car crashes and derailed trains. People like to see the aftermath and comment on what should have been done but nobody wants to be involved.

Why is that?

According to the conventional wisdom I've read Dungeons and Dragons players are as difficult to plan for as it is to herd cats. Each player acts on their self interest first and the group's second.  Whether you've prepared a detailed dungeon crawl, a hex-ploration, or are coming up with an intricate and convoluted plot that would make Tolstoy proud the end result is going to be the same: your players will not do anything you've prepared for and all your efforts are wasted as they act on their self-interest first. When you expand the group beyond the comforts of the four to six player range these problems are exacerbated and you have set up a situation where things will spiral out of control; inevitably the session will crash and burn. 

The problem with this line of thinking is that it's bullshit when applied to larger groups. 

The dynamic in how players act changes because they develop these amorphous cliques within the large group. Each session an individual within one of these mini-groups will take center stage and drive his team towards a goal of his own that aligns with theirs, but they will drop him and shift to another leader if this goal begins to dominate them or starts to run counter to their own individual goals. Typically these circles range from three to six players but I've seen occasions when they will grow up to twelve players before slowly breaking up again. For a Dungeon Master running a large group recognizing the development of these cliques and helping funnel them towards their desires is how you keep a session from crashing and burning. 

Yet allowing the groups to form into these little mini-parties isn't enough; you have to control the clock. In a group with fifteen players it is incredibly easy to let one player dominate the action (it's even easier in smaller groups); so how do you combat that and prevent the players not involved from becoming bored and disruptive?

Some people want to limit the actions of each player to a set time, say three minutes, and keep the group on a constant rotation. That's part of the right answer but if you do it on an individual basis then you're doomed to failure. Think of of it this way: in that first session if I had limited each player to three minutes of action before I moved on to the next player then forty-five minutes will have passed before I could come back to that first player and let them act again. That's a terrible way to run.

I've seen others who choose to break up the larger group into smaller, static ones. The idea is that you break the larger group into easy to handle portions that tend to work well together and always ask them to announce their actions together. The problem is that this method will often, though not always, make people resistant to doing anything together. They'll feel like you're robbing them of their choice in the matter - even if you're just breaking them up into the cliques they're already forming.

My solution is to work my way around the table from left to right asking each player in turn, What are you doing? After getting a response I ask, Does anyone want to go with X? and divide the group along those lines. Then I have everyone going with the first player tell me what they'd like to do and I run a short (10 to 15 min) series with them before I move on to the next player who didn't act and repeat. Once I have a couple of these groups going I move them to a point where I can jump to the other group and still keep them interested in what's going on. 

How do I do that?

I usually jump between groups right before they interact with a major non-player character, or when they've heard the click of a trap being sprung, or when they realize they're about to be attacked by a patrol of orcs.  The event that I jump between is typically something the players want to be involved in or that builds a sense of tension for them so that I can keep them thinking about what's going on as I deal with the others. It can take some getting used to but once you've gotten a handle on jumping like this in a game it becomes a really easy way for keeping everyone involved and the game constantly moving forward. 

Now before I leave you thinking that you could use this method to run for thirty or fifty players let me advise you that there is a limit to how many players you can handle with a single Dungeon Master, and that number will vary depending on the individuals involved. For me that number is a solid 25, though any group with over 20 tends to become cumbersome unless you've got a lot of players who work really well together. 

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Because She Said This Over Dinner

The wife wearing GOD'S TEAM ON HER SHIRT and playing D&D


Me: "I can't believe you've never played Halo!"

The Wife: "I can't believe you've never taken a dick up the ass. Do you want to keep going down this path."

Me: "No Ma'am. You win."

Monday, July 21, 2014

I have a Proposition for Business that's for Business for You!

You guys, my inbox has been getting some really strange shit lately. Like this guy from Pakistan who keeps telling me he's from Detroit even though it's clear that he has no idea how to use the English language. Dude totally has this super legit, for reals yo, offer to bring me into his hush-hush dealings where I'm gonna make a $2,500,000 for just opening up my checking account. 

How could I not do it?


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Reading, READing, READING!



Last night I finished Robert A Heinlein's The Cat Who Walks Through Walls. What a fantastic book! A quick writing style that made for an easy read and an infinitely quotable book that makes itself well worth reading. Then I picked up Lee Child's Killing Floor and read the first fifty pages of it. So far, so good.

What are you guys reading?

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Baby Shit Up to My Elbows

Today has been a great day in that I have new glasses and everyone is (mostly) healthy. Which is why when I say this next part I need you to understand that I am not complaining, I am merely commenting on the state of things in the House Akins. My son has shit sixteen times today. Big, massive, terrible shits that would choke a horse and scare those with delicate sensibilities. 

I have taken to calling him Godzilla. He is not pleased. 

Not my kid, but it fits.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Stuck on the Mountain.

On Saturday I was driving up the mountain when my car lost all drive. I had just crested the last hill when the power went completely out of my drive and smoke started billowing out the back of the car. I was able to coast the car into the parking lot of a BP gas station two miles after the smoke started but I was shaken up. I popped the hood while my son cried in the back seat and went to check out what was happening because I had the half hearted hope that I might be able to fix the problem.

When I looked under the hood I thought that my engine had cracked because there was all this black liquid dripping from every thing. I panicked for a few minutes while I called for someone to come get us. If I'd been by myself it would have been a relatively simple matter of me walking the three miles to friend's house and waking him up, but with a two year old that's really out of the question. Once I was able to get a hold of Dad and he was on his way my priorities shifted as I had to entertain the boy and spot diagnose the car. 



Looking at the photograph above it's easy to mistake that broken pipe for a radiator line since that's where it's connected - only it isn't as I would find out on Tuesday. That steel pipe is actually a transmission line (which is why I lost all the drive). Getting it repaired, along with a minor problem I was already taking the car to the mechanics for, ended up costing me $222.78. That included the tow ($62.95), labor, and parts.

As a result I've been stuck up on the mountain since Saturday. What's new with you?

Friday, May 2, 2014

Forget for a While How Small You are, and Remember that We are Mighty

There are people out there who want you to believe that because you are different that you are small and insignificant. They will latch on to anything that makes you stand out and try their damnedest to make you ashamed of being you. If you're overweight, you're fat fuck. If you're short, you're a midget. If you're gay, you're a faggot. Your instinct is to be the same as everyone else around you because then they can't get you. The problem is that instinct is complete shit.

Listen to me: I don't care if you think I'm fat or too tall. I don't care if you don't like my stupid fucking face or if you think that I write like a three year-old hopped up on PCP and Mountain Dew. The way that I see myself is not about the way that the world views me but about how I view myself. See I try really hard to recognize myself for who I am so let me share that with you guys. I'm overweight. I write a D&D blog. I write short stories and throw them out to the wolves of the internet without thinking about the consequences. I draw terrible pictures that make me unbelievably happy and I don't give two shits about the people who want to make me feel bad for doing these things. I have been shot at, had knives pulled on me, fought wild animals, lost friends to drug abuse, suicide, and outright murder. I run an after school art program for kids who haven't had an art class in their district for nearly a decade. I work really hard to take care of my son and wife to the best of my abilities. I've got things about me that bother me, but the things that people latch onto are the things they can see, and none of that shit is something I'm ashamed of. 

Kids read me and that's why I'm writing this post. Because I know that life sucks; but I'm telling that no matter what, if you can make it through these trying years of High School that you will come out better for it. Things get better and life is amazing if you apply yourself to it. So learn this lesson in life: recognize yourself for who you are, and don't let those sons of bitches ever make you less than you are.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Hey, What's Up Girl?

I'm always amazed that people feel like there need to be rules for social interactions in Dungeons and Dragons. It's as though there is this fundamental disconnect with reality and these authors delude themselves into believing that by distilling the fluid and enjoyable morass of social interactions into a handful of carefully constrained dice mechanics that they will somehow bring order to an incredibly disorderly process. In other words, you're not going to master talking to the opposite sex by dictating a set procedure for dealing with them. 

See, in the real world, when you want to talk to someone you have to say, "Hello" first. If you don't then you're going to live in misery and loneliness. Fuck that noise and take the first step. Baring that, write her a sonnet.


Monday, April 28, 2014

Be Safe

Everyone be safe out there tonight. Tornadoes are popping up from Arkansas to my back yard.

See ya'll in the morning!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Akins Screw, the Drink of Champions

I invented the Akins Screw when I was in college and playing entirely too much Madden. My friends at the time would spend a hundred dollars on cheep beer and I didn't have that kind of money. I had enough money to buy a 750 ml bottle of liquor once every two weeks or a bottle of wine every week. So I would make my drinks stiff and sip at them over the course of the night getting just as drunk, but spending a hell of a lot less.

The Akins Screw
Ingredients
1 Highball Glass
3 Large Ice Cubes (or six medium sized cubes)
1 Peeled Orange Wedge
1 Twist of Orange
12 Parts Vodka
1 Part Orange Juice

In the Highball Glass set your Peeled Orange Wedge and muddle it, set your 3 Large Ice Cubes on top of the muddled Orange Wedge. Square cubes work best as they help defuse the liquor and aid in the mixing process but as long as you use large cubes your drink should turn out fine. Next poor your Vodka of choice over the cubes. I prefer to use either Belvedere, Vox, or Thor's Hammer vodka (which has the worst website ever by the way) for my liquor as they're usually priced in the mid range of vodkas. Additionally they have a smooth taste without a heavy aftertaste that can result in your lower range vodkas such as Svedka and Kavlana. At this point you should add your orange juice, pulpy juice is better than not but really it depends on your personal preference. Now what you want to do is add just enough orange juice to color the vodka - not to dilute it. Finally, take a bar spoon or a tea spoon (which is what I use) and stir your drink. Top the rim with the Twist of Orange and you've got the drink of champions.

The Trouble with War

 Recently I introduced a war into my home game. Two factions aligned against each other and they began fighting in the capital of Bissel, Th...