I Don't Believe in the Session Zero

One of the things that I've been seeing a lot of role-playing advocates proselytizing lately is the idea of a session zero, a session where players first get together to learn about the world and the sorts of characters they will be playing. I imagine that there are some people out there who have friends and players that are willing to indulge them in such a session - Lord knows that I read enough people talking about their session zeroes - but I have a hard time envisioning the people that I have played with ever being willing to partake in such a lackluster session. Don't take me the wrong way. The idea that you would sit down with your players and describe your world to them as they make characters that would fit in it, and that would work with each other, is a dream I would very much endorse. I've just never known anyone willing to take that sort of time to be involved in a session like that. It's too boring and our lives are filled with too much that requires our attention for such a session. We have kids, jobs, and countless other hobbies that take up our time. Sitting around listening to one person telling the rest of us how the world works and what our places in it will be isn't how I would spend my day off; and I couldn't imagine asking anyone else to do that either. 

If I don't use a session zero then what do I use?

When I first started running Dungeons & Dragons I tended to attempt to cram all the world information in while they were building their characters and then launch into the adventure. I quickly came to realize that it was a waste of time on my part. There's too much going on for them to retain anything important and often the only thing that matters is that they have a character ready to go and a connection to the other players. The world, and their place in it, will come as they play. 

So over the years I have begun to cull anything that isn't immediately relevant to them. The world, as far as they're concerned, is what is within their vicinity. The town and their connections to the world around them (family, teachers, and so on) are all I worry about establishing. Then I read them the short - like a single paragraph long - introduction to the adventure I would like them to play. After that I just let them go. They are the ones that will develop the story as they adventure in the world and shape it around them

In the last couple of years I've also started using pre-generated characters and a one page Quick Reference Guide that I give them during that first session. Using pre-generated characters eliminates that opportunity for that first session to bog down and allows me to get right into the adventure as soon as they come up with names and connections (something that typically takes about five to ten minutes); and the Quick Reference Guide allows me to give them a rough idea of what's around them without haranguing them. This has significantly sped up how quickly we can get to adventuring and has allowed us to get to the "good stuff," as my Lovely Bride calls it, in that first session. 

So what about you cats? What do you do?

Let's Make Bad Decisions Together

I've been thinking a bit about the amount of gods that we tend to throw into our role-playing game worlds, and in particular in the World of Greyhawk, and how as a community we tend to overpopulate them. Often the gods tend to cross over each other offering the same opportunities for a player mechanically while providing a limited difference in the character's narrative, if any at all. Take for example the way that the Living Greyhawk Gazetteer, the last real supplement on the World of Greyhawk as a whole, dealt with gods. In it players are presented with an option of 71 gods in all their various power levels. Each is presented with its own lore and their respective domains. Largely though it feels superfluous; like a tacked on afterthought, barely worth mentioning but still too expected to be left out of the book. 

On its face the obvious solution to this glut of gods is to limit the players choices in the matter and to focus on a core group that the Game Master finds palatable for the adventure. It's not a very satisfactory solution to the issue, though, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The problem is that if you pick twelve gods to focus on one of your players is bound to have a love for some alternative god, such as Dalt, and if you allow the one exception then why not another? And suddenly your twelve is now sixteen, or 20, or 30 and your setting is dealing with a divine bloat all over again. 

Recently I've been considering a solution that feels a bit more satisfactory to my delicate sensibilities and that explains away the overlap in a fashion that I can accept. Instead of having a world filled with dozens or hundreds of individual gods there is a single, all encompassing god and all the various incarnations that people worship are just aspects of that being. Even the conflicts between the various aspects of the god are simply expressions of its natural conflicts; the various thoughts and urges within a being played out on a cosmic scale.

More later. 

Cowardly Dungeon Master!

Last night a friend of mine sent me a link to an article about Hearthstone, The RPG Scrollbars: Roles We Take, Roles We Choose, that he thought I would like and that might actually get me to play the damned game with him. While the article didn't get me onto the Hearthstone bandwagon it did get me to thinking about the way that I tend to run my role-playing games. In particular this section stood out:

". . . It doesn’t help that most RPGs, rightly or wrongly, don’t have much in the way of balls when it comes to restricting the player character in any way. Compare, say, Baldur’s Gate 2 with Dragon Age 2 – partly because it’s a good comparison, partly because it wouldn’t be a good week if I didn’t annoy someone on the Codex. I’m thinking in terms of magic specifically. Baldur’s Gate 2 largely takes place in the city of Amn, and one of the cardinal rules there is ‘no magic without a license’. Dragon Age 2 takes place in a city controlled by Templars, whose job it is to keep mages under control, and not without some reason. Magic isn’t just whizzy-whizzy-bang-bang, but linked to demonic possession and all kinds of other health hazards.  

Despite this, being a mage – an illegal, ‘apostate’ mage at that – doesn’t mean a damn thing. The guards will completely overlook fireballs in the street, you solving your problems with lightning bolts and all kinds of other stuff like that, even before you get to a point where you’re important enough to turn a blind eye. It’s a continuation of one of Dragon Age’s fundamental lore issues, that magic is meant to be rare and special and dangerous, but fuck that because players want to be/fight mages.  

The trouble is that in not giving magic users at least some sense of threat or actual sense of being under the thumb, who cares? Baldur’s Gate 2 meanwhile made being a spellcaster a problem. Break out the elements and some very tough wizards would show up to impolitely request you not do that, with your three options being a) apologise and stop, b) buy a damn license, or c) prove yourself too powerful for them to stop. The latter especially is one of the most satisfying things you can do in that game. Even before that though, that tiny mechanical demand to keep the metaphorical magic wand holstered made a big difference to both mages and the setting . . ." (Cobbett).

When I first started playing Dungeons & Dragons I had in mind that in my game world that magic was a relatively rare thing; that to see a wizard casting a spell or cleric performing some miracle was something the average person didn't experience. But once it came time for the game to actually start I couldn't bring myself to tell my players no. I didn't even consider pushing back against their wanton use of magic in the world and as a result my idea became just as meaningless as the illegal, apostate mage in Dragon Age 2. 

What I should have done instead of allowing them to find a powerful mage every time they went looking for one was to make it difficult. I should have made finding new magical spells something that required them to actually undergo deadly challenges to find and master. I should have made being a wizard something special that they would talk about for years afterwards instead of it just being yet another thing that was.

In the years since that first campaign I've attempted to make the narrative choices I make in my games more meaningful by sticking with them even when it constrains my players. Now that doesn't mean that I eliminate their opportunities to make choices, only that if I tell them magic is rare in the world that their use of magic will be treated as something unexpected and dangerous - like when a train derails or an explosion happens unexpectedly nearby.

Works Cited

Cobbett, Richard. "The RPG Scrollbars: Roles We Take, Roles We Choose." Rock, Paper, Shotgun. https://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2016/02/01/what-hearthstone-gets-right-about-roleplay/. Accessed January 8, 2017.

How Should We Be Describing Areas in Role-Playing Games

Last night I was reading reddit when ran across a novice Game Master (GM) asking for help in describing their game world. This particular GM had been running an adventure with lots of boxed text descriptions of each room which they had faithfully read as their players had explored. With experience, however, this GM had begun wondering if this was right or if they should be a bit more imaginative with the descriptions. The answers to this question left me feeling rather unfulfilled so I thought that I would explore the question more fully here.

When I first began running Dungeons and Dragons twelve years ago I ran games that came exclusively from my own imagination. I didn't pick up an official adventure from TSR or Wizards of the Coast for two years; and by that point I had already established my own style of describing the worlds my players were exploring which was heavily influenced by the pulp authors that I frequently read. As a result the boxed text felt heavy and unwieldy so I wouldn't run a published adventure because I arrogantly felt like running one would be akin to putting the training wheels back on my bike. 

The Lost Caverns of Tsojconth cover, by Erol Otus, 1981

It wasn't until I really started getting into the Greyhawk setting that my view on published adventures changed. I can remember reading The Lost Caverns of Tsojconth and it suddenly occurred to me that by ignoring the published adventures, and their ubiquitous boxed texts, that I was missing out on all of this really exciting stuff that other Dungeons and Dragons players had experienced. So I began to attempt running published modules. 

The first module that I attempted to run as it was written was David Cook's Dwellers of the Forbidden City. It was a challenging adventure for my players but as a GM I found it just as challenging to keep it interesting for them when it came time to read the boxed text. The problem was solidly my fault as instead of using the text as a starting point from which I would build the description I stubbornly stuck to reading it as it was written. 

Dwellers of the Forbidden City cover by Erol Otus, 1981

That was a mistake. 

One of my strengths as a GM has always been my ability to describe the locations that my players explore with a brevity that leaned heavy on mood and the big details. Without question my style is influenced by the Robert E. Howard novels I read and loved. A good example would be this passage from Son of the White Wolf:

". . . THE SUN WAS not long risen over the saw-edged mountains to the east, but already the heat was glazing the cloudless sky to the hue of white-hot steel. Along the dim road that split the immensity of the desert a single shape moved. The shape grew out of the heat-hazes of the south and resolved itself into a man on a camel . . ." (Howard)

In that short extract everything about the location is told in three sentences and as a GM, and storyteller, I'm always looking to emulate his style. I love the quickness of it and how a mood for the reader is so easily established. 

After my failure with Dwellers of the Forbidden City I decided to take a different approach with all future published modules I would run and try to bring a bit of Howard's style into the descriptions. Now I could do it on the fly but often it meant that I would end up missing things. The tone might get slightly off because I hadn't read far enough to know the location wasn't all that important or that the current non-player character (NPC) would be a pivotal character in the adventure. So I found myself doing a lot of prep work in order to make the published adventures work in a way that satisfied me. 

I would begin by making a copy of the adventure that I could write notes in without feeling guilty. I would then read the entire adventure before I began making notes I would need. I had to know what was happening; who the villains, throwaway characters, and heroes were. Then I would go back through a second time and make my notes. I would jot down a few quick thoughts on how I wanted this NPC to sound or the mood that this location needed to give the players. I highlighted things that I wanted them to discover and that I wanted to find quickly (like the villains' characteristics, weapons, and spells). And the night before I would read out loud the parts I thought we would touch in the session to my wife (when she wasn't playing), attempting to use all of my notes, to see what was working and failing.

All of that prep work I do has often paid off in ways that have taken my running of the adventures from cumbersome affairs into things that my players still talk about today - but it also made me incredibly hesitant to run the larger adventures. As you can imagine, published adventures end up being a lot more work for me and when I look at an adventure that's 250 pages long or more I have a hard time justifying spending that much time on it when my only reward may be my players looking at the start and saying, "Well, this is fucked. We're going the other direction away from the dragon and towards the bar." But Greyhawk has a way of rewarding my efforts. I consistently find myself enjoying the villains that I discover in these modules more than I did previously when I only knew their names and had read through their wiki descriptions. The locations I prepare for never go to waste as I can always find the time to let my players discover a crashed space ship or a hidden shrine to some foul demon princes looking to destroy the multiverse. 

In Greyhawk, there's always a hungry dragon.

Works Cited

Howard, Robert E. "Son of the White Wolf." Project Gutenberg Australia, http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks06/0601081.txt. Accessed December 1, 2016.

Rage of Demons Pre-Order Price Drops!

Since it's initial pre-order release was announced the price for the Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons has continued to drop. In an effort to keep from paying too much I thought I would do an update on how the prices have reduced with a little over three months left to go until it officially releases.

Amazon

Original Price: $49.95

Current Price: $34.33 (SAVE $15.62 OR 31%)

Barnes & Noble

Original Price: $49.95

Current Price: $34.67 (SAVE $15.28 OR 30%)

Books-a-Million

Original Price: $49.95

Current Price: $49.95 (NO SAVINGS)

Walmart

Not Available

Chapters

Out of the Abyss
Current Price with plum membership: $35.74
ONLINE PRICE: $37.62
Checked this one out, shipping to my US address was $16.42

THIS PRICE HAS NOT CHANGED SINCE MAY 15, 2015
Total:$54.04 

As you can see from the above prices only Barnes & Noble and Amazon have further reduced their prices since the initial pre-order date nearly a month ago. Walmart, reportedly the fourth largest book retailer in the United States,* still does not have it available for pre-order.

I'll be updating the pre-order price changes again in June. 

*While the link is to an older article first published in 2012 I have not been able to find anything that makes an alternative claim in the intervening years.

Artisan Toolkits: Glassblower

Weight: 25 lbs (11.3 Kilograms)
Cost: 45 gold

Contents:

Blowpipe

Gathering Iron

Marver

Tweezers

Block

Jack

Punty

Crucible

Silica (purified sand)

Glass blowing is a very odd toolkit to have for an adventurer as it’s not really a profession that travels very well without the use of a portable gas furnace. Still, there may be people who wish to be glassblowers in the game and they’ll need their basic supplies which are included above. To actually blow glass they’ll need to set up a work space where they can create a permanent (or semi-permanent in case they’re using someone else’s work space) area where they can be involved in the rather laborious process.

Artisan Toolkit Series

Introduction

Alchemist

Brewer

Calligrapher

Carpenter

Cartographer

Cobbler

Cook

Glassblower

Jeweler

Leatherworker

Mason

Painter

Potter

Smith
Surveyor

Tinker

Weaver

Woodcarver
Final

Artisan Toolkits: Cook

Weight: 30 lbs (13.7 Kilograms)
Cost: 60 gold

Contents:

1 Large Steel Pot

1 Large Cast Iron Skillet

Set of 5 Wooden Spoons

1 Large Wooden Ladle

3 Spatulas

1 Set of Chef Knives

1 Spice Rack

By and large the Cook’s Toolkit will probably be the most popular choice for players of Fifth Edition. Not only is it useful for making unpalatable food along the way more enjoyable but it provides the character using it an opportunity to make a living along the way as everywhere you will ever travel will need a cook. Perhaps it is that need for cooks that will make it so popular as players will be able to use it to infiltrate enemy camps, armies, and strongholds as that most necessary of professions.

No matter why you choose the Cook’s toolkit the contents will be readily recognizable to all who see it except for the spice rack. This will often vary depending upon the campaign world but for generic purposes the rack contains the following spices: Pepper, Salt, Cloves,Oregano, Thyme, and Basil. For additional common spices (per the Game Master) add 1 gold per spice. For uncommon spices, such as saffron, add 3 platinum per ounce.

Artisan Toolkit Series

Introduction

Alchemist

Brewer

Calligrapher

Carpenter

Cartographer

Cobbler

Cook

Glassblower

Jeweler

Leatherworker

Mason

Painter

Potter

Smith
Surveyor

Tinker

Weaver

Woodcarver
Final

Demon, Demon, Tell Me Your Name. [CONFIRMED]

On Wednesday, May 6, 2015 Christopher Perkins began tweeting out a series of concept art images from the new Dungeons and Dragons adventure, Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons. Many of these images were clearly tied to the Alice and Wonderland theme that Perkins had discussed as having a large influence in this adventure's design. But one of them caught my eye.

Legion of Doom by Richard Whitters

Of course the original image had neither that title, which is how Perkins introduced it, nor did it have the numbers. I added those to make it easy for people to follow along. There are eight Demon Lords pictured above which leads me to believe that these are the only Demon Lords that will be making an appearance in the adventure. So who are they?

1. Yeenoghu

[Edit 5/9/2015 12:16 AM EST] I wasn't sure about this one at first but +Art Braune quickly recognized it for who it was and +joseph browning confirmed it shortly afterwards. Well done guys!

2.Graz'zt

Not only has Graz'zt been confirmed for the adventure in the press release the image is too close to previous versions of the Demon Lord not to be the same individual.

3. Orcus

If you don't recognize this guy as Orcus than you've clearly never played 4e as he was on the very first Monster Manual. As with Graz'zt he has been confirmed to be in the book by the press release.

4. Zuggtmoy

This one surprised me as it wasn't until Mike Mearls tweet that I realized who she was. Nice to see her back in the game's official products. Would have been even better if she had been brought into the game with a product set in #Greyhawk

Personally, I love the new look for Zuggtmoy. Creepy, elegant, a bit HR Giger. Hits the right notes, IMO. https://t.co/iC9EIYKbcm

— Mike Mearls (@mikemearls) May 7, 2015

5. Baphomet

While not confirmed in the press release he looks so similar to previous versions of the Demon Lord that I feel confident in naming him.

6. Juiblex

THE PUDDING KING, svirfneblin devotee (i.e., flunky) of Juiblex the Faceless Lord. #DareToDescend pic.twitter.com/TpOORhEveP

— Christopher Perkins (@ChrisPerkinsDnD) May 7, 2015

In the above tweet Perkins directly mentions Juiblex and it would seem counter intuitive to have a creature that far maligned without the Demon Lord itself being involved.

7. Fraz-Urb'luu

I may be out on a limb here but when you compare the wings, ears, tail, and oversized hands of this bad boy he sure reminds me of my favorite Greyhawkian Demon Lord. And considering that you've already brought in Zuggtmoy and Graz'zt, two Demon Lords heavily associated with the setting, I figure it's not that big of a stretch for them to pull in a third as well. I really hope I'm right here. 

What do you all think?

8. Demogorgon

He was confirmed in the press release and is on the cover of the adventure. I think this one is too easy.

9. Jozan, The World's Luckiest Cleric.

Well, he's not been around since Third Edition. So why not show us all how he died and then had his corpse defiled by the Demon Lords who tagged each other in to keep the fun going for six months straight. 

So those are my guesses as to the identities of the 8 Demon Lords in the picture. Do you have any to add to that list?

[EDIT 5/9/2015 11:46 AM EST] I just got confirmation from Chris Perkins that all of the demons are correctly identified and that I got Jozan wrong. So I changed Jozan to a Cleric!

 

You got the demon lords right. However, Jozan is a cleric, not a fighter! 😎 https://t.co/UmJLn0Mqyn

— Christopher Perkins (@ChrisPerkinsDnD) May 9, 2015

Checking Out Instead of Checking In

This morning I was reading Killing Off Raise Dead by MythicParty (MP) from the blog Dungeon Mastering. In the article MP wrote:

“Ok guys, just bring me back when you’ve Teleported us to the capital city and found a high enough level caster.  I’ve got enough money in gems to cover the costs.  Sorry for that dumb move, I always forget about AoO.”  Darwidian’s unperturbed player then closes down his license of the group’s Hero Lab software, opens up a pinball game on his iPad, and proceeds to quietly occupy himself for the remainder of the evening while the rest of the group goes right on with the adventure.

So this more or less literally happened in my last gaming session.  Our party unluckily was fighting not 1, but 2 glabrezu thanks to their 20% summoning ability.  The Rogue tried to protect the Cleric & Wizard, but in the process of moving to engage the enemy, instead got sliced/diced.  He died pretty early in the night, then nonchalantly played a video game the rest of the time.  Why?  Well he knows his character is coming back, and, after a few thousand extra GP, with no worse the wear.  No reason to break a sweat, let alone be upset about it.  And a rather routine revival of characters is pretty much the case for every edition of D&D. (Killing Off Raise Dead)

At this point MP begins to lament the ease with which players can be brought back into the game and how doing so makes death meaningless. For MP the solution was to take the game into a 1 life and it's done situation which, the theory goes, would increase the tension and attentiveness of the players. Yet that doesn't address the central problem of the article: that once Darwidian was out of play that they checked out of the game. 

Keeping your players involved in the game, even when they're out of the action, is the hardest part of being a Dungeon Master. It's too easy to get wrapped up in Micheal's exploration of the ancient tomb while everyone else has to sit around twiddling their thumbs. For years I struggled with this problem testing out lots of solutions that I read online, heard from my friends, or was told at game shops by self-important clerks who were convinced that they knew everything that could happen or would ever happen in a role-playing game.

It was suggested that I eliminate certain spells, limit players to a single life, make the players pay more money, treat death like a joke, forget about people's spacial relationships, prevent players from exploring as they wish by manufacturing reason why they must stay together, and even make dying a timed thing where they players automatically come back after an hour or so of real time. In the end none of these worked for me as none of them actually address the problem: what do you do with the kid sitting there with nothing to do.

I've mentioned before (see It May Be Easy, But That Doesn't Mean I Can Do It Right for more) that I like to use my Arneson Rule for players out of the action and the more I've used it over the years the more I'm convinced that it's the best solution for keeping players out of the action involved. 

The Arneson Rule:

When combat occurs any player not involved in the encounter is given control of the monsters involved. If multiple players are not involved in the encounter than the monstrous group will be divided up among them as the Game Master decides.

One of the things that I really enjoy doing is allowing the players to push things in directions that I wouldn't normally take them by letting them play NPCs involved in the action. I can't tell you how much fun it is when one of them plays a guard and takes a notion to tell the King (played by me or another player) that the thief has been spotted doing what thieves do. Or when they play rival Guild Masters battling to hire a player character for their own nefarious ends.

The more I've used this rule since I first made it the more firmly I've become convinced that it's the best way to keep everyone engaged in the action and preventing anyone from checking out at the table. It's a fun, easy to implement change that pays off big dividends. Try it out for yourself!

Artisan Toolkits: Cartographer

Weight:15 pounds (6.8 kilograms)

Cost: 28 gold

Contents

Weather tight, Leather Carrying Case

Prismatic Sighting Compass

Pen (set of 24)

Nibs (set of 12)

Rectangular Protractor

Marquois Scale

Protractor (metal)

Gunter's Scale

Measuring tape (50 ft.)

Scroll or Parchment Paper (player choice)

For some time now I have been struggling with the Cartographer's Toolkit. This difficulty has arisen as I researched what would be included in the kit because I don't particularly feel that it is a natural fit with a party of explorers. While the Cartographer would be a natural ally for anyone creating a map back in the comforts of city life it is the Surveyor who actually explores the wild places of the world. For that reason I have now added the Surveyor Toolkit to the Artisan Toolkits project. 

Still, there is a value in the Cartographer's Toolkit for players looking for a quick an easy aid in mapping their adventures. Most of the kit has been described in earlier sections so I will only mention the Marquois Scale and the Gunter Scale as those are unlikely to be common knowledge. The Marquois Scale is actually a pretty nifty construction consisting of two rulers and a triangle and using it correctly ". . . will often greatly facilitate work, producing various constructions with much neatness, accuracy, and rapidity . . . (Hulme, pg. 93) which allows for the Cartographer's work to be greatly improved. The Gunter Scale is actually kind of a short cut that allows a Cartographer to work out the math in a cleaner fashion and to prevent the sort of wild inaccuracies that plague any mapping endeavor.

It may be that some readers will balk at the inclusion of the the prismatic sighting compass, the Marquois Scale, and the Gunter's Scale in this toolkit or at the relative inexpensiveness of the overall kit. There is some validity to this as the Medieval compass was a massive thing that would be impractical to carry about and the two scales did not come about during that period. The decision to include a prismatic sighting compass in the list was because I genuinely have no enjoyment in having my players wander about in circles for countless sessions as the get lost thinking they're going northwest. It simply makes life easier for me both as a Game Master and as a player. The two scales were also included for this reason as it allows for the players to create a more accurate map if such is their aim. If your heart is set on clinging closely to what was available at the time then feel free to remove them.

As for the price I could have vastly inflated the price of a compass to an inaccessible value that prevented anyone from playing with it until later in the game when even dragons fear their approach, but by that time what need would they have for such a kit? In the end I elected to put it at a price that was expensive but not to such an extent that it would penalize anyone who wanted to pick it up as part of their character's equipment. If you feel that the price is too low than I suggest increasing it by a factor of ten as it will still see some use.

Artisan Toolkit Series

Introduction

Alchemist

Brewer

Calligrapher

Carpenter

Cartographer

Cobbler

Cook

Glassblower

Jeweler

Leatherworker

Mason

Painter

Potter

Smith
Surveyor

Tinker

Weaver

Woodcarver
Final

Works Cited
Hulme, Frederick Edward. Mathematical Drawings, Instruments, and How to Use Them. London. Trubner & Co., 1879. Digital Scan. pg. 93

Dungeons and Drunkards: Part 2, The Dance of the Tarantella

This post represents the second part in the Dungeons and Drunkards series I'm doing with +Jens D., author of the blog The Disoriented Ranger, +Stelios V. Perdios, author of the blog The Word of Stelios, and +Sean Bircher, author of the blog Wine and Savages. Over the course of the next few days we'll be presenting you with weird monsters, looks at the rules for getting a buzz in D&D, and so much more! So sit back, grab an ice, cold beer and enjoy the show!

Her body writhed with orgasmic glee as she spun about the dance floor looking back at us. We’d picked her up just outside the forest that circled Fort Montgomery. She’d come out of the woods with grapevines wrapped about her head like a crown and a dress that made her look as though taking it off would have been putting on more clothes.  From the moment that she joined the patrol it was as if discipline and order had become distant memories. She laughed and we laughed with her. She called us her escort and we lifted her on our shoulders and carried her into the Fort laughing and singing like we’d just won the war.

Captain Davis rushed out his office and stormed over to us. His face was flush with anger and every stomp across the yard sounded like a drum beat to my ears. He boomed, “What’s the meaning of this?”

And she laughed. It was like music and as she slide off the shoulders of Caruthers and Ledbetter this coy smile played across her face. “Oh don’t be like that Captain,” she said as she ran her fingers across his chest and laid her head against him. The Captain stuttered and sputtered as she pressed herself close to him. Then she leaned up and pulled his ear to her mouth and whispered words that brought a blush to his cheeks and left his mouth hanging wide open as he wordlessly nodded his head.

“Oh you will,” she positively squealed. “There’s a party tonight,” she said as she spun toward us, “You all simply must be there.”

It wasn’t a request.

No sooner had she said there would be a party than did the whole garrison begin prepping for it. No man or woman was spared from preparing for the party. Hogs were slaughtered, chickens plucked, presents wrapped, and wine and liquor were brought from every corner of the Fort. Finally dusk came and the party was to begin. She came walking down from Captain Davis’ office, which he had vacated for her, in a black dress with ivory flowers in salacious patterns that made you long to trade places with the fabric.

We were all standing as she came down watching for her return. Watching her walk towards the head table made the world seemingly stop turning. My breath was caught in my throat and I knew that if she didn’t look at me that I would die there and then. But she did look at me, and she even took my hand as she passed and whispered in my ear that I must save a dance for her. If I replied then providence was with me for I fear that I merely mumbled a reply that might as well have been cabbages for all the sense it made. Yet she smiled and squeezed my hand before she took the stage and smiled at all of us. “Time to feast my darlings,” she said in that beautiful voice of hers.

As one we all tore into the food in front of us with abandon. Our hunger consumed us and we ate anything we could get our hands on. Meat, flesh, gristle, and bone were devoured with a ravenous hunger that shocked and frightened me. Yet I was no more able to stop myself than I was to slow down any of the others near me.

Then she clapped her hands. So gently and soft that I marveled at how any of us heard her; yet not a single person failed to stop their gorging when she did. “My darlings,” she said with a lovely smile, “it’s time we dance.”

Captain Davis stood and coughed before he said, “Madame, I’m afraid that we haven’t any instruments save a drum and trumpet. Poor choices for dancing music I’m afraid.”

“Oh,” she said with a pout, “but I do so want to listen to music as we dance.”

Men and women tore from the tables and ransacked the town looking for any instruments they could find that might accompany the drum and trumpet. Instruments were improvised and a chorus was made on the spot. She was so happy at our ingenuity that she jumped up and down while clapping her hands and giggling. We had saved her dance she said!

The band began to play a tuneless song that jarred the mind and made grown men grind their teeth. Yet she was happy and so we danced. We danced for hours and hours, till night turned to day and again to night. Still we danced because she was having so much fun. We didn’t want to disappoint her.

We were still dancing when the first person died. Old Lady Ward. Poor thing, her heart just couldn’t take the excitement of it all. We keep dancing but do you know what the Lady did? She was so concerned that we might become thirsty that she had a couple of the boys pick her body and let the blood out. – Not on the floor like some heathen, godless thing but into the barrels of wine. The dead would keep us going she said with a laugh, and we laughed with her as we raised our glasses time and time again to toast her health and the dance.

I cannot tell you how long we danced, or how many had their life’s blood added to the wine, only that I danced long enough to be held by her. She was even more beautiful than before. She towered over me now, nearly a foot taller, where before I would have sworn that she were but five feet. She wrapped herself about me and the thorns that broke her skin and sank into my own bought a bittersweet gasp from my lips as I saw her lick my own blood from her fingertips.

“My Lady,” I managed to stammer when she cocked her head to the side and looked at me, “have I done something to displease you?”

She carefully laid her head on my shoulder. Can you imagine a giantess doing so innocent and gentle a gesture? Yet here she had her head on my shoulder and she whispered into my ear, “I’m only sorry.”

“Sorry for what, Dearest?”

“I’m sorry that all of you are having to pay for that fool Captain’s sins.”

“Sins, Madam?”

She stood up to her full height, towering over the keep, and the music stopped. “Yes, sins,” she said, her voice booming like thunder. “He came into my temple and overturned my alter, spilled my sacrificial wine, and burned my Priestess on the stake. He defaced my images and ordered the temple burned to the ground. Why?”

I stammered as I strained to look upon her face, “I - I do not know my Lady.”

She squatted down so I could see her face again and in her eyes I saw the spiraling depths of the universe unfolding. “Because his god is modest and meek.” She said it with menace in her voice and a tinge of disgust. “Modesty,” she mocked, “in all things from dress to sex. Can you imagine Chee?”

I shook my head, “No my Lady.”

“Of course you can’t my dear, sweet, Chee,” she said as she ran her massive finger along the side of my face. “You still honor the Old Gods and our rituals. Even here during the cleansing you poured some wine out for me before drinking the rest for yourself.”

“I,” but words failed me. Here standing before me was Abita, the Lady of Amber, Goddess of the Drink, Debauchery, Dance, and Festivals. She was real and more beautiful than anything I had ever imagined. I should have recognized her and in my anger I turned my gaze away.

“Now don’t go doing that, little man. No harm has come from you, yet, and for that you will live even as all the rest die to the Dance of the Tarantella.”

So it was that I lived and became her Priest while the rest of Fort Montgomery danced itself to death. She sent me out into the world with a single message: Honor the Old Gods and their ways, for they are done with our shit.

Dungeons and Drunkards

Part 1: A pub crawl through assorted editions of D&D (and some homebrew) by +Jens D. 

Part 2: The Dance of the Tarantella by Charles Akins

Part 3: Boozing it Up in 5e by +Sean Bircher
  Part 4: When the DM Gets Drunk by +Stelios V. Perdios
Part 5: Drunken Beasts by +Sean Bircher 
Part 6: B-E-N-D-E-R! by +Sean Bircher
Part 7: Wine Angel by +Sean Bircher
Part 8: The Drunk Girl and the Game Master by +Stelios V. Perdios
The Complete Dungeons & Drunkards PDF