The Hunting Party, Part 5: Fire and the Knights

Click here to read from the beginning

Poot led us inside the Lifetime Loser's Lounge and down the hallway to our table. I expected to find Neverwas standing at the end of the table like some faux-general waiting to read us the riot act; finding Little E and Tweedledum flanking him on each side was a surprise. As we sat down he announced, "I'm going to be giving you all one last chance to resend your actions in killing the tavern before I shift your alignments for killing an innocent life."

Poot's head tilted to the side as Icarus spoke, "I don't understand why you would shift our alignments?"

Before Neverwas could respond Poot raised his hand up and said, "Hold on. You said we took an innocent life? As in one?"

"Well," Neverwas began, "what I meant to say was that you took innocent lives."

"How many," Poot asked with a smile, "or is this one of those occasions when you're going to start shifting the goalpost so you can declare a minor victory?"

Twedledum stifled a laugh as he sat down, "Tell them, Neverwas, how many innocent lives are we talking about here?"

It doesn't matter, I interrupted, because there were no innocents in that tavern. Neverwas stared at me from across the table with his mouth hanging slightly askew. I tested them by the articles of our faith and they were clearly non-believing sinners.

"So you killed them all," Little E finished for me. "Surely you can't be arguing that slaughtering all those people would be excused by any good faith?"

I stared back at Neverwas as Step answered for me, "We're all Christians in here?"

"Yeah," Neverwas said after a slight pause.

"Christianity is a good faith, right?"

"Yes," Neverwas said with obvious confusion playing across his face.

"Well, if history can be believed, then Christianity has killed untold millions of non-believers because their faith in other gods was a sin."

"Check and mother fucking mate," Tweedledum said as he slapped his hands together. "I told you that you wouldn't be able to get them on that one."

Neverwas shot him a look, "I'm not trying to get them."

Then stop with the empty threats and let's get on with the game, I said.

As the game picked back up it became clear that Little E and Tweedledum were there to help Neverwas deal with us. While they weren't technically secondary Dungeon Masters their opinions carried enough weight with Neverwas that they were able to cause him to rule against our initial plans to escape through the basement. They smiled proudly each time that they were able to find some fault in our logic.

After half an hour of this Poot looked over at me and whispered, "Okay, now how do we deal with three Dungeon Masters?"

The Master Planner slid a note over to Poot and said, "By playing smarter."

The Master Planner, Step, Icarus, and I threw all the dead bodies down into the basement as Little Boy and Poot took the ladder from the library to the roof and made a bridge over to the next building. The basement crew poured liquor over the bodies and everyone else headed upstairs as I started making a show of praying for the poor, misbegotten bastards we'd put to the sword when Neverwas broke in. "Someone's trying to get in the front door."

When it rains it pours, I said as I lit the basement on fire, and yet there's never a drop to drink.

"What?"

I'm heading up the stairs and to the roof.

"Fine," he said with that snide smile playing across his face again. Then the doors broke. I say broke but really it should be: they blew off the fucking hinges as more than two dozen knights charged into the lobby. "They see you."

Oh thank god, I said as I moved my figure up to the roof, I was afraid that we might not have a deus ex machina moment in this game. Poot pulled up the rope we were using to climb to the roof and we raced across the bridge with our fates in the d20s we tossed into the center of the table.

Everyone made it safe across and Neverwas gave an evil grin as he said, "The knights have made it to the roof."

"Good," Little Boy said, "I'm going to toss my torch onto their roof."

"Okay," Neverwas said as Little E slapped his forehead.

"So are they on fire," Little Boy asked.

"What?"

"He drenched the roof in oil," E said into his hands. "The whole damned thing should be on fire."

"That's fine," Neverwas said with a shrug, "they race across the ladder."

"Excellent," Icarus said. "I kick it off the edge of the roof." Neverwas stared at him as Tweedledum guffawed.

"I think we should end it here," Neverwas said quietly.

"That's fine," Step said, "but first we need to know if all the knights die from the fall."

"Yeah, they die," he said.

So did we level?

Feel like you're missing something?

Part 1: Careful What You Wish For

Part 2: The Lines are Drawn

Part 3: Democracy Kills

Part 4: Recipe for Disaster

Part 5: Fire and the Knights

The Hunting Party, Part 4: Recipe for Disaster

Click here to read from the beginning

Five turns came before I was up and each brought with it the death of some nameless non-player character. Clearly we were making the most of our surprise round, and now it was time that I pushed our advantage further and permanently took the night for our side. Neverwas had already begun to rally and was making a big show of rummaging through the miniatures bin and pulling out figure after figure, lining them up alongside the battle mat. "You're up," he absently said to me, "not that it's going to do you a lot of good. Who are you attacking?"

Attacking, I innocently asked. I think you've misunderstood this situation. I moved my figure over to the doors and said, I'm talking.

That got his attention and he stopped pulling from the bin to look at me. "Talking?"

Oh yes, I said with a smile.

People, please forgive the haste with which my companions - all righteous men of faith and honor - did dispatch with these foul agents of dark powers. We were lead to this village by the hand of the One, True God to bring back the light to these blighted lands. It was He who drove our footsteps to these doors and brought recognition to our eyes of the evil that stood amongst you and plotted your downfall into the never ending abyss where the sins of your lives would tear at you for all of eternity.

"The One, True God," Neverwas said with a curious look on his face.

I tilted my head, I hear that some of you have never heard the words of Trithereon, the Blessed Light of Righteousness.

"The fuck is he talking about," Neverwas wondered aloud. "Who the fuck is Trithereon?"

I shook my head and looked at each of the Lively-Roberts Clan in turn. Kinsmen it is seems that the stain of evil has reached deep within these lands turning their hearts and minds away from our Lord. Shall I do them the courtesy or should we offer unto Him that which is His?

Looks of puzzlement met me across the table but Poot caught the look in my eye and with a wave of his hand said, "Courtesy is but part of our Lord's many virtues and far be it for a Son of Trithereon to fail to show it."

A nod of my head in thanks and then I said, Our Lord, the One, True God, Trithereon, is the hammer of righteousness wielded against the sinners and usurpers of this world and the many realms of the heavens above and hells below. It was He who told His faithful to cross the lands of man and bring to bear the fury of their Lord against the invading armies of the humanoids, demi-humans, and savage realms. And it is He who now offers all of you the chance at redemption free of your past sins if you but convert now. 

Neverwas stared at me with a slack jaw and seemed to be lost for what to say next. Too bad, I said, the evil that has choked this land is too strong for them to break. I slid a chair under the door handles to keep it from being opened. Pity us Lord, for we must put them all to the sword. 

"What?" Neverwas practically shouted.

Kill 'em all. No one lives. What came after was an orgy of blood carried out in fifteen minutes. The end result was the death of thirty-six patrons, five guests, and all ten members of the staff. When Little Boy had killed the last living soul we began the grim task of piling the bodies in the basement, looting everything, and preparing for our escape unseen by the forces of evil that so clearly surrounded us.

"Time out," Neverwas called. "I need a minute, so let's call a smoke break. Be back here in fifteen minutes."

We rose out of our chairs and managed to make our way outside where I was able to watch Neverwas call Little E and the World's Greatest Liar over. I could only guess what their animated conversation entailed, but I had no doubts that they would soon have him settled down and moving against us again. Step, I called out, can you do me a favor and go get everyone's character sheets. 

"Why," Step asked as he drew a long drag off his Camel menthol. "Something up?"

I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that we need to share notes. 

He took a look inside and nodded, "Yeah, we might just."

As Step went in I turned to everyone else, We need to come up with a game plan because I don't think he's going to let me run that far again. 

Little Boy laughed, "You think? Jesus Christ, I had no idea where that was going."

Never mind that right now; you guys are going to have to figure out how far you're going to go with me on this fanaticism thing so I know how far I can push Neverwas.

"You were right," Step said as he came outside with the character sheets, "they're in Little E's office trying to figure out how to get back at us for the slaughter. I heard them talking about changing all of our alignments."

"I've got that covered," the Master Planner said as he lit another filterless cigarette. "Everyone just needs to make sure that they've got Trithereon down as their god."

"Why," Icarus asked. "I usually don't pick a god."

"If we're all true believers in the faith then it was a righteous act that can't be viewed as just us killing for the fun of it."

"It's a shield," Little Boy said as he twisted his lip. "fuck why don't we do this more often?"

Because it's hard as fuck all to maintain, I said. I picked Trithereon because I knew there wasn't a lot out there about the guy and that I could mold him to our needs. He's the god of retribution and that's the side of things that I'm playing up. If he tries to call me on it I can always play us off as a splinter church. 

"You've certainly got the crazy down well enough," Poot said with a  laugh.

Had to go dark before he could. 

"Yeah, about that," Icarus said, "how far are you taking this?"

Far as we need it to go, Icarus. 

"Wish we had Biggboy with us," the Master Planner said. "We could really use one more bloody hand to keep him off his game."

Can't help that right now.

"I can push right through anything he throws at us," Step said, "but I'm worried that he's going to try and isolate us."

It's what I would do.

"So how do we keep that from happening," Little Boy asked.

"We've got to ensure that we're always paired up with the right people," the Master Planner answered. "We need to set our marching order so that Icarus is out front, Charlie's in back and Step is in the center. That way our warriors are always near wherever the fucker is going to come at us."

Look, I'm going to multi-class as a cleric when we level. Step do you want to do the same. Two cleric / fighters should be enough to keep the whole group going until we can make him let us bring Biggboy in next session. 

"I'm fine with picking up the extra class," Step said, "but if we're bringing Biggboy in next session do we really need to multi-class?"

"We can't always count on Biggboy showing up," Icarus said. 

"I keep forgetting about that," Step said as we all got quiet thinking about Biggboy. "I'll multi-class too."

"Heads up," Poot said, "Neverwas is coming."

We all turned and watched him push the glass door all the way open. "Enough smoking. Time for you guys to get back at it."

"Bet your ass," Poot said as he threw his cigarette down and led us back in.

Click here to read Part 5: Fire and the Knights

Feeling like you're missing something?
Part 1: Careful What You Wish For

Part 2: The Lines are Drawn

Part 3: Democracy Kills

Part 4: Recipe for Disaster

Part 5: Fire and the Knights

The Hunting Party, Part 3: Democracy Kills

Click here to read from the beginning

Jimmy Bob, I said, reckon you could figure out where we are before we're set upon by wolves and big ass ravens pluck our fucking eyes out?

"I imagine," Poot said, "that we're standing outside a village peopled with woe begotten shit farmers."

"Are you not going to ask me what you know," Neverwas asked.

"I could," Poot said with a thoughtful look, "but I'm afraid that my asking you such questions would only encourage your delusions of grandeur." I can only guess what Neverwas had in mind to say because Poot rolled with a result of 22. "What does my feeble bardish knowledge provide me with on this out of the way locale?"

"You don't recognize it," Neverwas replied with a coy smile.

"I told you that it would only encourage you further," Poot said, "and now I'm not going to feel bad about anything that happens after this."

"As though you guys have a conscience when it comes to these games," Neverwas began the familiar lecture. "If you would consider the implications of your actions beyond the immediate gratifi-"

"Look," the Master Planner broke in, "if we wanted to have a lecture on morality we damned sure wouldn't be taking it from a recidivist and moral reprobate."

"I'll have you know that I'm a deacon in my church," Neverwas said with as much dignity as he could muster.

"I'm sure the Lord must be very proud of you," Icarus said, "but if you don't mind I'd like to know if anything is approaching us. It's my axe, you see, it thirsts for blood." The whole table turned toward Icarus as he began to mime licking his axe.

"You're Chaotic Good," Neverwas said with a touch of exasperation in his voice.

"I'm also a barbarian."

Family, I said, it seems that Jim-Jim has gone too long without killing something and that his homicidal urges are beginning to take over. Let us explore the town before us and find some trouble to sate his appetite for destruction.

"You make your way into the town and after asking a few of the local peasantry where you might find a decent place to rest you're directed to the Ghostly Lady," Neverwas dryly read from his notebook.

Cousins, brothers, did one of you knob-gobblers decide that we should take our rest before we let Jim-Jim slit some evil fuck's throat when I wasn't looking and drag me here against my will?

"I don't remember making the choice," Little Boy said.

"Smells of magic and heavy handed Dungeon Mastering to me," Step said as he leaned forward in his chair. "Bob Jim Lively, veteran of more than a dozen campaigns along the disputed boarders -"

"What disputed boarders," Neverwas asked.

"All of them," Step said with a tone that brooked no argument. "But like I was saying, Bob Jim Lively is a veteran of a dozen tours and he loosens his sword and casts a weary gaze about the inn."

"Jim Bob Lively," Little Boy said, "has taken notice of his older brother's weary gaze and has begun to move towards the shadows in an effort to hide away from the view of any who might be watching him."

"The bar is crowded with patrons," Neverwas confusedly answered, "there's no way you can hide."

"Then Jim Bob slides under the table and uses the space to make himself small and forgetable," Little Boy countered. 

"Good plan," Icarus said, "Jim-Jim, for his part, is going to set his axe on the table in easy reach and look for anyone giving him the 'eye.' He counts anyone foolish enough to meet his gaze as having done so."

"Bobby Jim, Master of Illusion and Manual Manipulation," the Master Planner announced, "is checking the bar for any magical residue and looking over each of his family members for any signs of compulsion magic or signs that some illusion has been cast on us."

"Guys," Neverwas said, "I think you're taking this too far. I was just trying to move the story along."

The story has moved along, I said, and we're reacting to things that have moved beyond our understanding for the Lively-Roberts Clan takes nothing for granted and destroys what we don't understand. 

"Jesus," Neverwas said as he ran his hand across his forehead.

Never mind him right now. I'm looking for anyone who seems to be taking exception to our behavior.

"The whole lobby full of patrons seem to be giving you all a wide breath."

It's clear that they know how we arrived here, I said looking about the table.

"Of course they do," Neverwas said, "they watched -"

We attack. 

"No, you don't," Neverwas practically shouted. "You're all taking this the wrong way."

"Are you telling us that we weren't given a choice in how our characters were allowed to behave and that you're now doing so for the second time in less than twenty minutes," Poot asked. "That's a bad precedent to be setting for a game that's supposed to be the most epic fucking thing anyone's ever played."

"Especially for a man who wants to pretend that he's the center of the role-playing universe," the Master Planner added. 

"Is that what he was saying out there," Little Boy asked. "I was too busying trying to get that girl wearing the dog collar's number to really pay attention to him."

"I didn't say I was the center of the role-playing universe," Neverwas scrambled. "I mearly stated that if one wants to play the game correctly that not only do you have to develop a story but you have to allow your players the freedom to make their own decisions."

Interesting that when your theories meet the game that things go off the rails. 

"Look," Neverwas said as he placed his hands on the table, "perhaps I was a bit hasty in forcing you all along the storyline of this particular game. But if you'll just work with me you'll see that things will come out better in the end."

Come climb into my web for tea said the spider to the fly.

"What?"

Don't worry about it. I'll put it to a vote of the table. If you all want to allow Neverwas to force our actions then I'll abide it with disgust, but I'll go with it all the same. Or we can kill the whole bar and set it on fire since clearly the devil is at work here. 

"Open ballot or secret," Poot asked.

Tradition holds that we do it in the open. Everyone fine with that?

"I'm not," Neverwas said, "there shouldn't have to be a vote."

Yes, yes there does. You want us to take back our declared actions and to pretend like none of this ever happened so that the storyline you've plotted out in that notebook of yours comes to pass just like you wrote it. Only the game doesn't work like that. Our characters are ours and their decisions come from us - not from a script. 

"I get that," Neverwas said with his hands up, "but you guys took this the wrong way."

"We took it the only way we could," Icarus said. "I say we vote in the open."

I looked about the table and asked, Any objections to a vote in the open. None came so I called the measure. The question has come before the table: do we resend our actions and take the party back to the top of the hillside where we can then control our own destinies going forward or do we launch a bloody attack against a tavern filled with the Devil's children and set the town to the torch?

Poot counted the results, "Six for burning the town and slaughtering the vile inhabitants of this accursed village and one for going back to the top of the hill. The town burns."

"You guys are going to regret this," Neverwas said with a warning tone, "I'll give you one last opportunity to pull back."

"I rolled a natural 20 for my first attack," Poot said as way of our reply. 

Click here to read Part 4: Recipe for Disaster

Feel like you're missing something?

Part1: Careful What You Wish For

Part 2: The Lines are Drawn

Part 3: Democracy Kills

Part 4: Recipe for Disaster

Part 5: Fire and the Knights

The Hunting Party, Part 2: The Lines are Drawn

Click here to read from the beginning

"Look at that bullshit," Poot said as we pulled into the Lifetime Loser Lounge parking lot. I followed his gaze and found Neverwas leading a revival out front.   He was standing in the center of a dozen or so teenagers who were pressing in close and nodding their heads to his pronouncements on the 'right' way to play Dungeons and Dragons and Magic the Gathering. They were so enthusiastic in their adoration for him that I almost felt bad as Poot announced, "You know this means we have to take that fucker down a notch."

"Let us go do God's work then," the Master Planner replied as he crossed himself.  They joined the crowd and soon began to work their magic, turning the mood of the congregation against Neverwas with each passing moment. Normally I would have joined in the fun but a phone call from one of my bosses had me sitting on the bench out front and putting out fires on my day off. I was too involved in the minor emergencies to notice that Short Stack had joined me on the bench. She was a sweet girl who could be so quiet that you'd forget she was there. As I hung up the phone she cleared her throat and said, "What's going on over there?"

Neverwas is doing his messiah shtick again.

"What a prick," she said with a giggle. I smiled as she scooted closer to me and whispered, "So when are you going to ask me out."

I'm not, darling, I whispered back, you're too young.

"You know you're going to keep telling me no and I'm going to start throwing myself at someone else." I slid my arm about her shoulders and listened to the revival turn sour as the Master Planner started swinging his metaphorical cock about the crowd bruising egos as he went; while Poot began loudly performing excommunications on all the faithful. "Why is it that you guys are always at the center of these sort of things?"

We're the favored of God. Spit from the heavens fully formed and filled with bellies fed on the tears of a thousand lamenting women and the broken dreams of fools. 

We sat there on the bench in silence for a bit while she snuggled into my shoulder. Her hair smelled like Autumn and for a brief moment I actually wished that I had asked her out; but it was just a moment that passed like all the temptations in life. "I've got to go to work," she sighed. "How late will you guys be playing tonight?"

No telling. We're coming into this game with evil intent and hate in our hearts.

That brought a smile out, "Do you mind if I come by after work and watch?"

If you'd like to. She kissed me on the cheek. You shouldn't have done that, I whispered.

"I know," she cooed in my ear and left me behind. 

"You know," Poot boomed, "if I didn't know better I'd swear that girl wants you."

"It's easy to be fooled," the Master Planner replied, "but rest assured that Charlie will soon break her of that."

You guys done with Neverwas so soon?

"We were done five minutes ago," Poot said as he leapt onto the bench and laid his head against my shoulder, batting his eyes at me. "But you were too busy fooling with Short Stack to notice. Tell me."

What?

"Am I as pretty as your French girls?"

Get the fuck off me.

"Neverwas is inside with everyone else and he's bitching about you wasting his precious time with some sandy-blonde whore," Poot said.

Did he call her a whore?

"Not directly," the Master Planner replied, "you know he's too afraid of what will happen to him if he calls her that directly. Instead he's doing his veiled thing where he implies his insults so that we don't have a clear-cut reason to throw him down a flight of stairs."

Let's go break this dumb fuck.

We walked inside, down the hallway, and into the last room. Little Boy and Step were in a quiet conversation with their heads together while Icarus had busied himself with a marker. "It's about time you made it in," Neverwas loudly proclaimed, "I was about to cancel the game entirely on your account."

Don't put yourself out. What's the set up?

"Straight to the point then," Neverwas said as he pulled the bill of his DuPont ball cap over his eyes. "Good to see you all being serious for once. Pass your character sheets up and I'll make sure everyone has complied with the character generation rules."

We passed up our sheets and he began looking over them. "Nice," he said, "it looks like everyone is going to be stretching their limbs and trying something new." Then he got to my character sheet, "Charlie, you're going to be playing a paladin?"

That's the plan.

"I don't think so. Make something else."

The whole table looked up at him and exploded in a cacophony of protests while Neverwas stood there smiling at me from across the way, waiting for me to rise to the bait. When at last everyone else quieted down I said, Just why the fuck can't I play a paladin?

"Because you're not capable of playing Lawful let alone playing Good. Pick something else."

It was a challenge and I always rise to the challenge. Fine, I said, I'll play a fighter. My name is James Roberts but you'll remember me as Jim.

"Fuck," Icarus whispered, "this is going bad quick."

The Master Planner looked from Neverwas to me and announced, "My wizard's name is Bobby Jim Lively and I'm his cousin, twice removed but loved like a brother."

"My bard is Jimmy Bob Roberts and I'm the brother he loves like a fourth cousin," Poot said. 

"I'm Jim Bob Lively," Little Boy said, "first cousin and I grew up next door to Jim. We've been close all our lives."

"I'm Bob Jim Lively, " Step declared, "my mother and Jim's father fooled around and I'm his bastard brother. He treats me like I'm legit though, so we're tight."

"Fuck me," Icarus whispered, "we're all going to die." Then he looked Neverwas in the eye and said, "I guess that makes me Jim-Jim Roberts the Destroyer."

Neverwas' jaw slacked and he stared about the table going from face to face, but avoiding mine. "You guys really want to go down this road? This game's serious!"

We're dead serious, I said. So kick us off.

"Fine," he said with a huff, "if you guys want to make this a joke th-"

There are no jokes left in us, I interrupted.

Neverwas started chewing on his beard and I could see the wheels turning in his head. He knew that a line had been crossed and that I had just taken the first step towards something. He just didn't know what I was getting ready to do, but Icarus did. I could see that he wanted to ask why hearing the name Jim come from my lips had gotten Icraus' attitude to change. It played across his face; the doubt and worry that what would come next would be too much for him to handle. Then a decision was reached and he said, "You all have been traveling for days heading to the city when a thick mist came up on you in the night. The cloying mist clung to you and made your clothing stick to your bodies and your hair matted down. For what seemed like innumerable days you wandered until at last you found a road and made your way clear. The world that greets you on the other side is like a nightmare given life. The trees are bent and gnarled; the buildings look like something out of an old Transylvanian horror flick; and off over a low rise sits a castle of Gothic proportions. 

"You can see some peasants meandering about in the center of town though it's hard to tell what's happening from your vantage point. A large raven sits on the high branch of a dead elm ahead, and somewhere in the distance you can hear the mournful howl of a wolf." He looked at me then and said, "What do you guys do?"

Click here to read Part 3: Democracy Kills

Feel like you're missing something?

Part 1: Careful What You Wish For

Part 2: The Lines are Drawn

Part 3: Democracy Kills

Part 4: Recipe for Disaster

Part 5: Fire and the Knights

The Hunting Party, Part 1: Careful What You Wish For

What do you mean he's running a Halloween special? Does he not realize this is June?

Poot just shrugged as he lit a cigarette, "I told him that."

And?

"He says that's why it'll be so fucking epic that people will be talking about it for the next decade. It's his place in history."

Seriously? This is why we need to expand our pool of friends.

Poot laughed and said, "Neverwas told me you wouldn't be willing to roll with us on this one."

You're only saying that because you think it's going to get me to come along, I said as I poured a glass of whine. Why not? Okay, who else is going down this rabbit hole with us?

"Little Boy is rolling a cleric," Poot said as he began to count everyone off on his fingers, "Step is a rogue. I'm going to be a gnome wizard, and Icarus says he's going to be a druid."

So it's just me that you're waiting on?

"Neverwas claims that he's thinking about letting the Master Planner come in," Poot said as he let loose a long sigh. "It's like he thinks that by keeping the Master Planner waiting that he's got some power over him."

Fuck that guy, I said with as much gusto as I normally saved for Sartre. Tell the prick M.P. is in and I've already called him to let him know. 

"He's going to be pissed you made the call," Poot said with a smile. "I think I'll tell him that I made the decision to take some of the heat."

Why would you want to do that?

"Because I like pissing on him from time to time - it pleases me."

Fair enough, I said as I dialed the Master Planner and started getting everyone together for a pre-game meal at the China Hut for a strategy session. I worked the phones while Poot explained that we had already brought in the Master Planner. By the time I was finished setting up the meeting and caught up with Poot's end of the conversation I found him telling Neverwas that he was a load his mother should have swallowed.

Things going well, I asked as Poot continued pacing with a trail of smoke following his route. 

"Yeah," Poot said with a wink as he hung up the phone, "he tried to get all 'this is my game and you have no right' so I had to put him in his place."

I feel like tonight's game is going to go well now.

"Me too," he said. "Let's get on the road or we're going to be late."

We climbed into Poot's car and he started telling me about the setup to the game. "According to Neverwas we're going to be starting in this old village with these Germanic peasants who are really superstitious."

It's a dark and stormy night, I intoned.

"Yeah, it sounds like he's going for a heavy handed Ravenloft to me, but you know him."

You guys just don't understand how to properly role-play, I said in a mock of Neverwas' voice. If you'd just take long enough to understand how the characters connect to the world then you'd get more out of the game!

"Full on," Poot said. "He even hit me with, 'Now you guys have to be serious about this one.'"

Are you shitting me?

"No."

This is definitely going to go well.

We pulled into the China Hut, grabbed some plates, and joined the rest of the group at the table. Gentlemen, I said solemnly, we're officially fucked tonight. He's got a god damned story he's going to tell and we're to be actors in this little drama.

"Are you fucking serious," Little Boy said as he threw his fork down. "I told him that doing that shit only pisses everyone off."

"He's not," Icarus said, "I heard him telling Little E that this storyline he was going to take us down would change our lives."

"Fuck me," Poot sighed, "so do we back out of this suck fest before it starts or?"

"Or we hit him where it hurts," the Master Planner said. "Listen, we all know that he's got this whole thing plotted out in that black notebook of his."

"You mean his novel," Little Boy asked.

Yeah.

"Has he ever let you read that thing," Icarus asked.

No.

"Don't take him up on the offer," the Master Planner answered. "Look, the book is going to have a lot of his script in it and he's going to be reading directly from it."

Are you sure? He doesn't normally read during these things.

"It's coming," Poot said, "you've just never been in one of his 'story driven' games before."

So what are you suggesting, Master Planner, that we steal the book?

"Absolutely."

The table got silent for a moment as we all slowly got grins on our faces. He's going to get mad.

"Apocalyptic more like," Poot giggled.

"Before we do this does anyone want out," the Master Planner asked as he looked about the table, "because once this goes down he's going to be on the war path with all of us."

"I'm down," Poot said as Step and Icarus nodded their willingness.

"I want in too," Little Boy said, "but I don't want to be the one left holding the notebook when everything is said and done."

I'll take the fucking book, I said, and I'll be the one who gets it back to him when everything is over.  

"How are you going to do that without letting him know it was you," Poot asked.

Don't worry about that. So what's our plan?

"You know that he's going to want to give us that creepy feeling only it's not going to work," the Master Planner said.

"Because he's going to be reading from the fucking book," Poot interrupted.

"Until we take the damned thing from him," Little Boy finished. 

"Right," the Master Planner said. "So we've got to lull him into thinking that everything is going to plan. That means that we have to react just like how he expects us to. That means playing the time period in how you talk, faking fear at the right times, and no killing NPCs." 

That last part came with a look directly at me and Poot. In the last four campaigns Neverwas had run Poot and I had killed 9 out of every 10 NPCs we met. The ones we didn't kill we used for monster bait and trap testers; it infuriated Neverwas. Personally I thought it was a brilliant strategy.

"So you're saying that we're going to be bored for the first few sessions," Poot said.

"Try just the first one," the Master Planner countered. "We snatch his book at the end of the night after he drops everything off at his truck and comes back to shoot the shit with us."

Who's grabbing it?

"I can do it," Step said, "but it's going to be pretty obvious that it was me."

"No," the Master Planner said, "let me handle the book."

We sat quietly for a few moments, each of us contemplating the task ahead of us, before I spoke up. That means we need to decide how we're going to build the party. Any thoughts?

"He's expecting me to play a cleric and Step to play the rogue," Little Boy said, "so I'm thinking that we shouldn't."

"What are you thinking," Poot asked.

"I think we should flip the script entirely and throw him off his plan early."

Now you've got my attention.

"I'll play the rogue since I haven't played one under him before. Step?"

"He's never seen me play a fighter. So I'll roll one of those."

"Icarus," Little Boy said, "what sort of crazy bullshit are you bringing?"

"I was going to play a druid, but I'm thinking that I need to switch it up too," Icarus said as he rubbed his chin - always a sign of fun times ahead. "I'll bring a barbarian to the party. He's seen me play one before but he's never figured out how to handle me as one."

"I know he thinks I'll be coming as the wizard," Poot mused, "so I'll come as a bard."

What about you Master Planner?

"I'll roll a wizard. Illusionist?" he said with a shrug, "You?"

I'm coming as a paladin, I said and they all stared at me. What?

"Are you sure you can pull that off," Poot asked me with far too much doubt in his voice. "You know he thinks of Lawful Good as Stupid Good right?"

Yeah.

"Charlie," the Master Planner said, "you know that means you can't do your normal game plan, right? No murdering NPCs for no reason. No screwing everything that walks. No stealing. None of it."

Look, we all agree that we need to flip the script on him so that he'll be off his game. Nothing will do that faster than me playing a Lawful Good paladin. 

The Master Planner smiled and gave me a nod, "Well boys, if Charlie playing a paladin doesn't throw him off his game I don't know what will. Let's load up and go kick his ass."

Click here to read Part 2: The Lines are Drawn

Feel like you're missing something?
Part 1: Careful What You Wish For
Part 2: The Lines are Drawn
Part 3: Democracy Kills
Part 4: Recipe for Disaster
Part 5: Fire and the Knights