The Brutal Legends of Our Beginnings

Lately I've been playing a lot of Double Fine's Brutal Legend (which if you've never played you totally should check out) and I've come to believe that one of the things that has been missing from my favorite role-playing games is a sense that the world has a history that occurred long before my entrance into it. I don't mean just that the world has an sense of recent history with conflicts between nations, subterfuge, and racial / clan rivalries that color the way that the world functions; instead I'm talking about a deeper mythology that underpins everything. This mythological foundation to the game world is one of the things that Dragonlance did really. 

My first real interest in Dungeons & Dragons started with the the Dragonlance Blue Boxed set and its setting book that told this history of the world in this really great conversational style that would become a hallmark of the types of role-playing books that I love (shout out to Kevin Siembieda and his Rifts books for putting out some of the best examples of this style of writing in gaming). The way that the story of the world was written and the brilliant art that TSR coupled with the book kicked my imagination into overdrive. I've spent years taking its tantalizing descriptions and expanding them in my head to form my own understanding of the world. And yet I don't feel like I've ever had that level of engagement with my favorite setting: Greyhawk. 

Don't get me wrong I've put in a lot of hours shaping the world in a fashion that suits my sensibilities but there's always been this blank spot in my mind when it comes to making the world have that same sort of place that Dragonlance, Iron Kingdoms, Warhammer, and Rifts have occupied. So I'm asking for you help today. Do you know the legends of Greyhawk? What are its mythological foundations? Who created the world? What history exists beyond the Suloise and Baklunish Wars?

Help a brother out. 

What's Weighing on You, Holmes?

Lately I've been reading a lot from people who want me to only read people of color, or to only have books with people of color as the leads, or that focus on minority groups / issues / what have you; and it's gotten me to thinking that a lot of these people must have terrible imaginations and nothing going on in their lives for this to be the thing they've latched onto as the solution to the world's problems. I've read authors who are gay, female, of races different from my own, from cultures I've never encountered and many of them have been fun to read - but none of those factors were what lead me to read them. I've got books that I've deeply enjoyed with lead protagonists that fit just about every possible spectrum and not once have I picked up a book and read it because the lead fit one of those categories. Why?

Because I'm not a moron. You see the only reason why you should ever pick up a book to read is because the story appeals to you.

Like I love post-apocalyptic fiction so I read a lot of stuff like Spider Robinson's Telempath (thanks to +Jeffro Johnson  for peaking my interest in Spider to begin with), Samuel R. Delany's Dhalgren, and Walter M. Miller, Jr.'s A Canticle for Leibowitz. These books are filled with all kinds of protagonists that range across the political / cultural / racial / sexual landscape; but you know what? I didn't pick any of these books up because of who the protagonist was and what category they could be placed into. I picked those books up and read them because they sounded fucking amazing. Check out this blurb for Dhalgren:

The world has gone mad, society has perished, savagery rules over all. All that was known is over. All that was familiar is strange and terrible. Today and yesterday colide with tomorrow. In these dying days of earth, a young drifter enters the city . . . Dhalgren. 

Jesus! That hooked me and then I read the first page and knew I had to read Delany. His writing is so, just, breathtaking. I'm 23 pages into the book (second time trying to read it since the first time was interrupted by my son being sick and me forgetting everything else) and I have already gone through a weird sex thing with a tree-ish lady, picked up a hand-held death glove, and jumped through broken glass. This book is fucking amazing!

Did I know ahead of time that Delany was gay or that he was black? Fuck no! And even after finding it out I still don't care. Those things don't matter to me because what matters is Delany's work. He has produced a thing of beauty that stands outside of himself, pressing back against the world and reshaping our expectation of what should come next. Dhalgren is strange, and terrible, and wonderful all at the same time and to cloud that up with bleating on about the author's skin color, or his sexual preference, does a disservice to it by distracting from this beautiful thing he's accomplished. And that's what you miss when you get wrapped up in the "Message First" crowd.

They don't care that Dhalgren is a work of brilliance. I mean, it's nice and all, but what really matters to them is that Delany is black and gay. SO WE MUST READ HIM! And you absolutely should read him because Dhalgren is amazing but you're going to miss out on it as you try to warp everything into you message about his race and sexual orientation shaping his world. You're going to miss out on the fantastic weirdness that permeates every page and the beautiful turns he does with such little effort. Let me put this another way, focusing on Delany's race and sexual orientation over his writing would be like focusing on the way that Philip K. Dick died instead of his writing. You're not doing either author any favors and you're only taking away from what they've done.

Stop it. Just read books that sound good to you and worry about the rest of that noise later. 

The World Should Be Interesting

I spend a lot of time thinking about the world of Greyhawk and how I want it to feel for my players and lately something I've been spending a lot of time pondering is the way that people look. You know, fashion. Which is an incredibly odd thing for a flannel shirt and overall wearing hippie like me to be concerning myself with; and yet there it is, right at the forefront of my mind. On the one hand I have this very traditionalist bent in my mind where I want the people of Dyvers (and of Greyhawk in general) to dress like they're living in the middle to late Middle Ages with pantaloons, and blouses, and lots of curly long hair like you might see on the cover of the wife's latest trashy romance novel. Then I have this side of me that says, "You've got guns, and lasers, and sexbots, son. Why the fuck do they have to wear that boring shit? Why would they?"

So then I spend a couple of hours looking at fashion sites and wondering if maybe I shouldn't set myself on fire instead as that seems like it might be a better use of my time. I mean have you spent any time looking at fashion online? Don't get me wrong, some of it's perfectly okay and there's nothing wrong with the occasional dude wearing a purse and prancing like a show pony but so often it's just ill fitting foolishness that no one can wear or hope to wear. And then I think, but wouldn't it be cool if people did?

Menswear – Mugler SS12 via catwalk yourself

I mean just think about if you saw a group of guys walking towards you on a dark night in a world where people can cast magic spells and shake the heavens with their anger at the gods. Men like these go from looking like a sideshow afterthought into a terrifying sight - and that's what I'm looking for in the fashion of my world. I want there to be more in the world than just a bunch of hillbillies in overalls and tee shirts working on their broken down pickup trucks. I want the world filled with a diverse style of dress that will let my players know that when they encounter someone dressed in a certain way that it means something. 

Fall-Winter 1990 Haute Couture Christian Lacroix via mississipy.livejournal.com

Just look at this dress! If I saw someone dressed like this in my game than I would immediately assume that she was some sort of nobility or wealthy individual AND the confidence she exudes standing there! That's the sort of thing that I want in my games. 

Chanel pre-fall 2013 via mississipy.livejournal.com

And just look at this woman here from the Chanel pre-fall 2013 collection. Tell me that if you saw this woman walking down the boardwalk that you would be surprised if she pulled out a wand and started casting spells at you. I mean the look screams out modern witch in the best way possible and she is pushing that whole narrative with that pissed off look on her face. It's just what I'm looking for in my games because it presents this whole new realm of possibilities that the old pantaloon and blouse look never did for me. 

I guess what I'm saying here is that I'm looking at fashion websites for inspiration and while about two thirds of it makes me want to slit my wrists there's this last group that just is really just what I need. 

I Saw Star Wars [Spoilers Inside]

Spoilers

Spoilers

SPOILERS!

So I saw Star Wars and enjoyed the fuck out of it. I loved the explosions; didn't fucking care that the main Chick was stupid good at everything; and hated that Han went out like a bitch. In fact that's my only real complaint: Han Solo died like a pussy while he gently caressed his murderous son's face. 

Fuck that. 

He's mother fucking Han I-shot-first-and-fucking-loved-watching-the-life-drain-out-of-his-eyes SOLO. He gets stabbed with a god damned light saber his instinct is to pull that gun off his hip and empty the barrel into that dick's face. 

You know what would have made it a lot fucking better too? Godzilla. 

Planet with a sun draining laser beam? Godzilla will take that blast and fuck the planet to death.

Star destroyer breaking up in the atmosphere and killing hundreds of innocent people? Godzilla does that every day. Why are you crying about those people this time? What? Did you forget that Godzilla hates you more because you're whining about the fucking force and some chick who can do everything?

What I'm saying is that this movie could have used a lot more Godzilla and Han shooting people in their stupid fucking faces. 

Overheard in the Lunchroom

The other day I was sitting in the lunchroom talking with my friend M when I overheard a conversation two of my co-workers were having and I thought it would be fun to share it here.

------------------- ------------------- ------------------- -------------------

"I'm so damned tired of this election bullshit already."

"I know, right. It's like every time we turn around one of those dumbasses is on TV trying to out crazy the other guys."

"True facts."

"So do you think that Trump would play a Barbarian?"

"Totally. That guys all, 'Rargh, Mu-slims ain't rights!'"

"Truth!"

"What about Obama?"

"Bard."

"Really?"

"Oh, yeah. He talks a good game; most people love him but nothing meaningful ever gets done by him."

"What about Hillary?"

"God she'd totally be a fighter running about in a pantsuit just hoping that everyone else would listen to her for once and do what she says."

"But they never would."

"Not one fucking time."

I love my geeky co-workers. 

Stones Carried in Wheel Barrels

It's 2016 and that means that it's time for all kinds of resolutions, predictions, and regrets that haunt us for years to come. But if you're looking for that sort of thing then you'll have to check back later because today is my day for looking back on some of my favorite things said at the table over the last year. So here they are, in no particular order, some of my favorite things said around the table, the characters (and occasionally the people), and what was happening for a bit of context. Hope you enjoy them.

****** Dyvers, the Home of Classy Happenings ******

This might not be the right time or place but I hope that your wife gets gonorrhea and that they change it's name to her's so that generations from now people look at each other and say, "Did you see that skeezy bastard I went home with last night?  I hope he didn't give me Helen!" 

-- Sir Roderick Stone, said before the King on his majesty's wedding day. 

I heard the King likes to fuck pigs.

-- Megan, Destroyer of Virginity and Slayer of Orks, as she attempted to enter the King's hall with her seven prized boar.

Brother I hope that God-damned bus hits you on your way to church and that the Devil wakes you up each morning with a gentle caress along your cheek while whispering, "Isn't this nice Steve? Don't you think we should re-do the living room? Maybe in 100 year old oak floors and mauve?" And that no matter what you do he's never fucking happy.

-- James Holloway, the Gay Bard, upon learning that he wasn't the first in the group to see Star Wars

Yeah, well, your brother's dick is bigger.

-- Alissa Lexington, the Elder, said to her husband after he told her that he thought her sister was hotter than her and that she should lose some weight. 

Does anyone else smell sulfur? I'm allergic you know.

-- Nevil Stone, the Diabolist. 

So I hear that your Mother gives great head.

-- Staff Sgt. Sarah Jones in reply to Ambassador Ambrose of the Sartan Empire's demand that she surrender.

Fuck a bunch of ice.

-- Ozark Pizark, Captain of the Galloway Cruiser, after being told that there were ice bergs nearby.

So does your Butler always fuck owlbears or is this just something he does for special guests?

-- Milo Barker, envoy of Dyvers, upon meeting the Mayor of Greyhawk.

Look, if you're going to be a bitch about it then fine; you go in there and fuck it.

-- Megan, Destroyer of Virginity and Slayer of Orks, as she shoved the complaining wizards into the pit with the Rock Troll.

If my Bard only sings Death Metal can I use intimidate instead of perform for my checks? Pretty sure that's the sort of character I'm playing tonight

-- Poot, my brother, as he sat down at the table with his Half-Orc.

Have you ever taken a shit so big that it grew legs and climbed out of the bowl so it could slap you across the mouth? Pretty sure that just happened to me. 

-- Grodnar the Flatulent, as he opened negotiations with a war band of goblins that had surrounded the city

Stay classy kids.

Dyvers: Guilds are for Losers

At one time there were as many guilds as you could ever hope to find in one location in the city of Dyvers but that changed after Greyhawk's guilds began to dominate commerce in the region and the Great Kingdom fell to the wayside. Already the city's merchants had been forming companies to explore new lands and to establish new trade in distant lands. Now they became more prominent as the people began to fully reject the old ways and to organize themselves more effectively borrowing liberally from the mercantile companies. 

Gone were the old power structures as the city rejected all the old ways. Where once the leader of the guild was either the most powerful or influential member among the elite now with the rise of companies it was the individual voted into office by all of the shareholders (a title that varied from group to group). The city became a political machine and ground those who couldn't navigate it down to dust. As a result the city has become a City of Companies, small and large. Adventurers, mercenaries, markets, teachers, laborers, and skilled artisans: nearly every one you meet in the city is a part of some company; and yet no one who holds power in the city's elected offices can have been in a company within the last ten years. 

Those are ten lean years.

Let's say that you wanted to make your own company to be used in your home game set in Dyvers; how would you go about doing it? My answer is make your own up as you go while drinking Long Island Iced Teas and screaming at the fucking Bears as they lose another game; but, you know, your mileage may not be very far on that sort of cocktail. So here's a chart to help you out, kids.

Creating your own Dyvers Company

Process: 

1) Roll on the d6 Company Theme table.

2) Roll or pick your favorite out of the theme.

3) Repeat as many times as you like. 

4) Roll on the d30 adjective table

5) Roll as many times as you like

6) Combine them as best suits your sensibilities.

Examples: 

The Terribly, Ugly Jackasses

The Ring-Ring Mule Distributors

Tom's Ogre Furnace

Anna's Embittered Terrapin Guns

1d6 Company Theme

1   Animal

2   Vegetable / Fruit

3   Mineral

4   Monster

5   Occupation

6   Person

7   Machine 

8   Object

1d20 Animal

1    Monkey

2    Mule

3    Lion

4    Hare

5    Jackass

6    Turtle

7    Horse

8    Lamb

9    Skunk

10   Opossum

11   Bear

12   Raccoon

13   Snake

14   Terrapin

15   Crocodile

16   Rat

17   Dog

18   Cat

19   Turkey

20   Beaver

1d20 Vegetable / Fruit

1     Carrot

2     Cucumber

3     Potato

4     Yam

5     Pumpkin

6     Kale

7     Lettuce

8     Spinach

9     Peach

10   Pear

11   Pecan

12   Peanut

13   Walnut

14   Strawberry

15   Tomato

16   Grape

17   Water Chestnut

18   Avocado

19   Squash

20   Kumquat

1d20 Mineral

1    Gold

2    Pyrite

3    Cubanite

4    Pyromorphite

5    Lazulite

6    Wardite

7    Vesuvianite

8    Barthite

9    Sphalerite

10   Creedite

11   Koettigite

12   Helidor

13   Amethyst

14   Endlichite

15   Adamite

16   Manganadamite

17   Silver

18   Copper

19   Malachite

20   Chalcanthite

1d20 Monster

1    Flumph

2    Ogre

3    Goblin

4    Troll

5    Dragon

6    Giant

7    Demon

8    Devil

9    Golem

10   Were-(roll on 1d20 Animal Table)

11   Rakshasa

12   Vampire

13   Zombie

14   Umber-Hulk

15   Aboleth

16   Mind Flayer

17   Gorgon

18   Hag

19   Modron

20   Mongrelman

1d20 Occupation

1    Baker

2    Distributor

3    Tailor

4    Boatswain

5    Weatherman (or woman depending on your needs and mood)

6    Fishmonger

7    Bar Hop

8    Musician

9    Physician

10   Alchemist

11   Laborer

12   Scribe

13   Fisherman (or woman depending on your needs and mood)

14   Hunter

15   Tanner

16   Trader / Merchant

17   Inn Keeper

18   Gambler

19   Prostitute

20   Comedian

1d20 Person

1    Oscar

2    Anna

3    Maxwell

4    Jennifer

5    David

6    Christine

7    James

8    Megan

9    Luke

10   Sylvia

11   Norvel

12   Zelphia

13   Lester

14   Della

15   Earl

16   Peggy

17   Charles

18   Alisha

19   Thomas

20   Jaimie

1d20 Machine

1    Clock

2    Television

3    Gun

4    Pen

5   Canon

6    Dumbwaiter

7    Oven

8    Furnace

9    Jukebox

10   Tractor

11   Carriage

12   Crane

13   Escalator

14   Power Wheel

15   3D Printer

16   Truck

17   Tank

18   Phone

19   Fan

20   Elevator

1d20 Object

1    Book

2    Door

3    Gate

4    Rose Petal

5    Thorn

6    Guitar

7    Stocking

8    Picture

9    Bank

10   Chest

11   Funnel

12   Model

13   Home

14   Dice

15   Cards

16   Umbrella

17   Pry Bar

18   Hammer

19   Wrench

20   Jacket

1d30 Adjective

1    Ugly

2    Morose

3    Violent

4    Drunken

5    Slovenly

6    Bucolic

7    Trustworthy

8    Nonplussed

9    Disinterested

10   Forgotten

11   Embittered

12   Hidden

13   Worthless

14   Diabolic

15   Exquisite

16   Beautiful

17   Dishonest

18   Worthy

19   Friendly

20   Lackadaisical

21   Holy

22   Blasphemous

23   Ambidextrous

24   Disoriented

25   Tardy

26   Poignant

27   Unfinished

28   Numerous

29   Great

30   Terrible

There you have it. Now have fun making up the names for your own Dyvers styled Companies!

1,000 Scores to Settle

For the last two months I've been looking at a number as it slowly ticked its way forward towards a new milestone on the blog: post 1,000. It's weird because at a thousand posts it feels like I should be doing something monumental with the blog. A giveaway of things I don't have or perhaps a thousand blowjobs to strangers - only my jaw wouldn't hold out that long and I really don't like the idea of sucking dick. I mean, if that's your thing, more power to you but I just have this really terrible gag reflex and I'm not into dudes and their wangs. 

Perhaps I've gotten distracted and shared too much. 

Anyway since this is the thousandth post and we're way into the millions of words posted on Dyvers I thought it would be a fun time to tell you about what's coming up on the blog by using pictures. Remember, using images instead of words to vaguely communicate your meaning isn't a sign of my being a self-important bag of dicks but rather a test to see if you're cool enough for my corner of the internet what with its nerdy fucking D&D content and shit.

It makes it hardcore if I curse, fool. 

Yo. 

Fuck yeah, D&D.

Monster, Monster, Come to My Door; for I've Rigged It with Unstable Explosives and Am Loading My Shotgun as I Wait for You.

I was discussing villagers the other night with a friend of mine when she made the comment that the villagers in every book, movie, and game are just faceless masses waiting for their own destruction at the hands of the latest bad guy to pick up a rock and think that blood is a pretty color and should be used to paint a room with because no one ever considers the way that people actually act when they get scared. It's too difficult to imagine that we pick up guns and start shooting every mother fucker who happens to poke his head in our window. 

She's not wrong. 

Think about the games you run for a minute. When do the villagers pick up the torches and pitchforks? Do they do it once there's enough to get them scared? Or do they wait until things have really moved beyond the threshold of reasonable action? Do they ever do anything more than run away and die?

For a long time my villagers did nothing more than run and die (perhaps I was too busy concentrating on making sure that my bad guys lived long enough to be more than a footnote in the game's play). What turned me about on that noise was realizing that the people I lived around - men and women from a rural, mountain community - wouldn't act that way. They would have started shooting the monsters in their stupid, fucking faces for getting too close to their stills and meth labs. They would have picked up ball bats, axes, Bowie knives, pipe bombs, and every gun they could get their hands on and fucked up some monstrous creatures' days; and that might sound like a stretch to you but consider this: we have coyotes, bears, mountain lions, wild dogs, and all manner of rabid animals. When they get a bit too aggressive the people in my home town will kill every last one of them and drive down Main Street with the carcass tied across the hood of a pick-up truck while bitching that there was only one to kill. I know, animals are different from people. Except that they're not really treated all that differently in this area as I know old women who have incapacitated rapists that had intended to kill them by twisting their balls in different directions (when asked she said it was because she wanted to hear him scream); gangs of baseball bat wielding vigilantes searching for the sons-of-bitches that murdered some cats on an out of the way highway; and a group of twenty angry women armed with knives searching for the boy who raped one of their friends so they could cut his dick off and shove it up his ass (the cops caught him first for those wondering). 

This community isn't an aberration in our reactions. I can pick up a copy of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and read news stories about vengeance murders, gang attacks, posses formed to ferret out fugitives, and hunters killing wild animals. If it's something that happens in communities large and small then why isn't it happening in your home games?

My initial answer to that last question was that I wanted the players to be the stars of the show. After all, the game is about their adventures not a bunch of corn gobblers from a village that only the five of us know the name of and that I'll be the only one to remember. Only that's really a bullshit answer. See your villagers aren't suddenly becoming the main attraction of the story by reacting to the events in the game; instead they're becoming a catalyst that will help propel the players forward. While absolutely true that some of the villagers are going to be running for their lives you're also going to be having armed groups of regular people turning back towards the danger to try and stop it. Bringing these cats who are fighting rather than taking flight into the game has really made village situations something more exciting and far less mundane - especially since I just assume most everyone in my villages is a redneck with a rudimentary knowledge of explosives and born with an eagerness to see something blown to hell.  

The People of Yesterday Held Different Beliefs Than We Do Today! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?

Lately I've been spending a lot of time reading through the TOR.com exploration of Gary Gygax's Appendix N and wondering what is wrong with these people. Their criticisms are often not about the works they're reading but instead about the people who wrote them - people who often reflected the times they lived in by holding outdated views about morality, sexuality, race relations, social justice, and the like. As a result their objections all tend to sound the same: "Author X was writing in 1910 and held views that were common during their lifetime but are completely wrong by today's standards. What the fuck is wrong with them?" I mean who would ever imagine that someone writing more than a hundred years ago might have moral and societal values that are vastly different from the ones we have today.

It doesn't end there, though, as so often the argument that they're making isn't just that these people lived in a vastly different society from what we live in today but that we should not read them because of that very fact. These authors from the past, Lovecraft and his Pulp contemporaries, should be actively avoided because they held the wrong beliefs and that is the exact opposite of a liberal's core belief, not only when it comes to reading, but to free speech in general. 

Look, liberals used to be the cat in the room who listened to too much jazz, drank whiskey, smoked unfiltered cigarettes, and was constantly pushing lists of locally banned books into your hands and rasping, "Man you got to read Hoffman, Thompson, Miller, Twain, Vonnegut, Heller, Faulkner, and Salinger because what they're doing is on another level from the rest of us." We used to be the guys who were telling the fascists to go fuck themselves because we're not going to use their approved language and walk down the road thinking their approved thoughts. We were the god-damned, liberal, pinko, commie, fags who were challenging the conservative elements of the nation by going out, doing, being, and trying everything until we found our own thing. We were the people who taught the world to, "Do you, bro," because what mattered was that each of us were true to ourselves and developed a morality and understanding of the world that we could live with rather than one that would grind us into dust beneath its heel. Somewhere along the line though the assholes infiltrated us and now we're sitting around looking at people demanding that they, "Do you, just so long as it's according to these pre-established guidelines of acceptable thoughts and actions." I've been a liberal for too long to suddenly begin walking down that line happily chanting the party slogans. "Think like us! Talk like us! Be an individual, just so long as you're exactly like us!" 

Fuck that. 

I'm still reading books like The Tropic of Cancer, The Great Gatsby, Slaughterhouse-Five, Red Nails, Huckleberry Finn, and Catch-22. I'm still reading adventure stories and murder mysteries that have no morality plays attached to them. And though I've long since stopped smoking I'm still listening to too much jazz and drinking whiskey late at night while pushing lists of banned books on my friends telling them they've got to give these guys a chance. 

Read Banned Books by Topher MacDonald (who makes some kickass stuff)