It's One O'Clock and I'm Fairly Certain the Rocket Won't Wait.

This evening I was reading a RPG book where the authors spent seven pages detailing how time passes in their game world. The days and months of the year were given these silly names. The phases of the moon were described, with each given a special name. Worst of all the hours were called out in a quasi-Latin style. It was clear that the intent was to create a sense of verisimilitude for the world that they were describing but instead it all came off a bit contrived and silly. This setting isn't unique in this foolishness. Just a quick pass through my game library and it seems like in practically every amateur and professional setting I've been presented with the latest 'unique' calendar and denotation of time. Over and over again it seems that the authors can't wait to tell me all about how special their world's understanding of time is. 

Why, it's not Monday here; it's First-Day. 

January? No, no. You're saying it wrong. It's Fireseek. 

What time is it? Why it's half past Qui'Tar Jut! 

Now maybe you're players are really into learning the minutia of your world and are all about calling the various months by these setting specific names and using the tongue-twisting variations for the hours - but I've yet to play in a group that was willing to expend the effort. Instead the days always revert back to Monday, Tuesday while the hours go back to One O'Clock, Two O'Clock, and so forth. 

For a while it bothered me that my players couldn't keep to the imaginary calendars I had brought to them and that they didn't care enough about the days of the week to use their 'proper' names. Then one day I had an epiphany: they don't have time to fool with this stuff because all they want to do is play the damned game. To my players calling Monday, First-Day was useless. It didn't improve their immersion into the game world because it produced a jarring, mental disconnect that pulled them out of it. They had to think to call it First-Day instead of just knowing that it was Monday. Calling January, Fireseek didn't tell them anything useful because they had to remember that Fireseek was a cold, snowy month. All I was accomplishing by forcing such contrivances on them was making my games worse. 

As I'm getting older I'm finding that the best policy as a Dungeon Master isn't to get cute and come up with special names for the things I'm doing - after all, my orc isn't any less an orc if I call him a Thute - but rather to build on the cultural and societal touchstones that my players can identify with and readily assimilate into their play. My games use regular names for the hours, days, and months of the year, but major events become the names of the years within the game. When they destroyed the city of Kimber by triggering a massive earthquake that swallowed it whole, the year became known within the game's world as "The Year Kimber was Swallowed." My non-player characters (NPCs) could mention it as a touchstone within a conversation and the players immediately knew when it took place in relation to where they existed in the game now. It gave the world a greater depth than telling them that the year was 447 CY. To them 447 CY might as well be 1779 BC. It was a meaningless number that they weren't all that interested in remembering, but those major events stuck with them and gave them a grounding in the world. 

The World Should Be Interesting

I spend a lot of time thinking about the world of Greyhawk and how I want it to feel for my players and lately something I've been spending a lot of time pondering is the way that people look. You know, fashion. Which is an incredibly odd thing for a flannel shirt and overall wearing hippie like me to be concerning myself with; and yet there it is, right at the forefront of my mind. On the one hand I have this very traditionalist bent in my mind where I want the people of Dyvers (and of Greyhawk in general) to dress like they're living in the middle to late Middle Ages with pantaloons, and blouses, and lots of curly long hair like you might see on the cover of the wife's latest trashy romance novel. Then I have this side of me that says, "You've got guns, and lasers, and sexbots, son. Why the fuck do they have to wear that boring shit? Why would they?"

So then I spend a couple of hours looking at fashion sites and wondering if maybe I shouldn't set myself on fire instead as that seems like it might be a better use of my time. I mean have you spent any time looking at fashion online? Don't get me wrong, some of it's perfectly okay and there's nothing wrong with the occasional dude wearing a purse and prancing like a show pony but so often it's just ill fitting foolishness that no one can wear or hope to wear. And then I think, but wouldn't it be cool if people did?

Menswear – Mugler SS12 via catwalk yourself

I mean just think about if you saw a group of guys walking towards you on a dark night in a world where people can cast magic spells and shake the heavens with their anger at the gods. Men like these go from looking like a sideshow afterthought into a terrifying sight - and that's what I'm looking for in the fashion of my world. I want there to be more in the world than just a bunch of hillbillies in overalls and tee shirts working on their broken down pickup trucks. I want the world filled with a diverse style of dress that will let my players know that when they encounter someone dressed in a certain way that it means something. 

Fall-Winter 1990 Haute Couture Christian Lacroix via mississipy.livejournal.com

Just look at this dress! If I saw someone dressed like this in my game than I would immediately assume that she was some sort of nobility or wealthy individual AND the confidence she exudes standing there! That's the sort of thing that I want in my games. 

Chanel pre-fall 2013 via mississipy.livejournal.com

And just look at this woman here from the Chanel pre-fall 2013 collection. Tell me that if you saw this woman walking down the boardwalk that you would be surprised if she pulled out a wand and started casting spells at you. I mean the look screams out modern witch in the best way possible and she is pushing that whole narrative with that pissed off look on her face. It's just what I'm looking for in my games because it presents this whole new realm of possibilities that the old pantaloon and blouse look never did for me. 

I guess what I'm saying here is that I'm looking at fashion websites for inspiration and while about two thirds of it makes me want to slit my wrists there's this last group that just is really just what I need. 

I Hear You Say that Playing a Cleric is Boring . . .

There's something so dissatisfying about playing a cleric like everyone else expects you to play one. I mean sure, I could play the damned thing like a walking medic who's only concern is making sure that your every little boo boo is kissed and that you never have to suffer under the slings and arrows of life's cruelties; but why would I? So you can have all the fun and I can sit behind you twiddling my thumbs waiting for my next chance to heal you? 

Fuck that noise. 

If I'm going to be playing a cleric than I'm going to make damned well and sure to enjoy the experience. So that means that your walking Band-aid factory has just closed down because I'm not wasting my time playing a cleric of Pelor. I am the walking embodiment of Trithereon on this game's world and if you think for one second that healing your bleeding ass comes ahead of the boot I'm about to put in that giant's grill you've got another thing coming. See when I play a cleric of Trithereon I play a fundamentalist Trithereonite. That means that this warm and fuzzy bullshit you've been reading in those reformists pamphlets about liberty, and individuality is nothing more than a fart in the wind as far as I'm concerned. 

I believe in that old school, death from the sky, kill all your family and make you watch retribution that all the kids these days want to sweep under the table so that it doesn't scare away those delicate flowers they want to bring in to my faith. So no, I'm not going to heal your dumb ass just because you got caught on that spike trap and lost your good eye. I'm going to find the mother fucker who made it and wear him as my new winter coat. That's how I have fun playing a cleric: by making him the scariest mother fucker in the game.

Forget for a While How Small You are, and Remember that We are Mighty

There are people out there who want you to believe that because you are different that you are small and insignificant. They will latch on to anything that makes you stand out and try their damnedest to make you ashamed of being you. If you're overweight, you're fat fuck. If you're short, you're a midget. If you're gay, you're a faggot. Your instinct is to be the same as everyone else around you because then they can't get you. The problem is that instinct is complete shit.

Listen to me: I don't care if you think I'm fat or too tall. I don't care if you don't like my stupid fucking face or if you think that I write like a three year-old hopped up on PCP and Mountain Dew. The way that I see myself is not about the way that the world views me but about how I view myself. See I try really hard to recognize myself for who I am so let me share that with you guys. I'm overweight. I write a D&D blog. I write short stories and throw them out to the wolves of the internet without thinking about the consequences. I draw terrible pictures that make me unbelievably happy and I don't give two shits about the people who want to make me feel bad for doing these things. I have been shot at, had knives pulled on me, fought wild animals, lost friends to drug abuse, suicide, and outright murder. I run an after school art program for kids who haven't had an art class in their district for nearly a decade. I work really hard to take care of my son and wife to the best of my abilities. I've got things about me that bother me, but the things that people latch onto are the things they can see, and none of that shit is something I'm ashamed of. 

Kids read me and that's why I'm writing this post. Because I know that life sucks; but I'm telling that no matter what, if you can make it through these trying years of High School that you will come out better for it. Things get better and life is amazing if you apply yourself to it. So learn this lesson in life: recognize yourself for who you are, and don't let those sons of bitches ever make you less than you are.

Empty Belly and Stinging Brains Serve You Righteously

Since I'm read by quite a few people that view the barren wastelands in between strip malls as the "wilderness" I've decided to provide those of you in that camp with four relatively easy ways to feed your characters during those desperate times when your Dungeon Master actually makes you keep track your resources and you run out of food and water. 

Roots and Needles

One of the easiest things to have happen is to run out of drinkable water. It happens to the best of us. Now most every explorer worth his salt is going to have a metal cup in his bag and pan to cook on - and if he doesn't have one he's a fool - so making the water drinkable by boiling it over the fire isn't usually that difficult of a task. 

Unfortunately there are times when your water may have a foul taste, even after a purify drink spell. The foul taste can be the result of your water being in a particularly acidic region, your pans and mugs being unclean, muddy water, or your Dungeon Master being a jerk. Whatever the case, once the liquid is safe to drink you're going to need to make it something your character can actually keep down. There are three really common plants that you can harvest to make the water more palatable: dandelions, pine needles, and mint. Of the three dandelions and pine needles will probably be the easiest to come by, though mint will be the most enjoyable of the three. 

Pine needle tea (source)

What you're going to want to do is to place some leaves in the water (roots if you're using the dandelion) once you've brought it to a boil as you would with tea. Now the longer you leave the leaves in there the stronger a taste you're going to find developing. This strength of flavor can mask not only the foul taste of the liquid but also the tell tale odors and tastes of certain poisons so if you're playing with a bunch of vipers prepare your own drink and offer to make theirs as well. You never know, they might remember that kindness and gladly take a bullet for you when you use them as human shields later.

The Sock Hop

Whether you're in a cave or out walking in the evening air bats will be fluttering by. Most of us see them skirting overhead in a crazy zig-zag pattern and avoid them like the plague, but in a pinch you can kill them fairly easily and eat them. The methodology for pulling this off is much the same as you could use for catching pigeons and other small birds.

Take a burlap sack and cut off a two foot section. Using the needle and thread you bought to help maintain your clothing - you did buy them right - sew the sack into a similar form as you tube sock. One end needs to be sewn shut and the other left open. Now you want to drop a handful of rocks into your burlap sock; tie off the other end. What you've effectively made is a cheap bola that you can now use to drop the flying appetizers from the sky and into your frying pan. 

A word of caution in using this method. Your Dungeon Master is likely to try and get you with a disease carried by one of these small flying creatures. To reduce the likely hood of this occurring announce that you are going to skin, gut and clean the catch. After each step you're going to clean your hands to prevent yourself from getting sick. Then you're going to cook the critters on a stick over the fire. Cook them thoroughly, have the cleric cast purify food as an extra measure at the end and you can eat in peace.

Spoil the Child

A lot of people tend to look at fishing as something where you need to spend two hundred dollars on a rod and reel. Then of course you need the hat, vest, tackle box, and as many synthetic lures as you can stuff in them. Truth is you don't need any of that noise. 

Cut a length of wood approximately six feet long. You want the limb to be about an inch thick at most (so about the length from the tip of your thumb to the first joint). For the line you can do a couple of methods that range from tearing blades of grass and weaving them together into a line; to finding thin vines that you can find in most every forest in the world; to using the thread you sew with (my preferred method). Making a hook requires that you either forage really well, bought one earlier, or like to carve. Whether you forge a piece of bone that you can fashion into a hook or widdle one from the river birch the end goal remains the same: you need the hook to form a J with a sharp point on the end.

What kind of bait you use is going to depend on how small you can make your hook. If you can get it small enough to use worms you'll just have to dig around any piles of leaves or old stumps. If you need to use something bigger to catch fish with you'll have to go hunting for grubs, large spiders, dragonflies and the like. 

Once you have everything together toss it in the water, preferably in an eddy if you're on a river or near an embankment in a pond, and wait. If the fish are hungry you'll be in luck and if not well, there's always dynamite . . .

Cane pole fishing (source)

Rules, Rules Everywhere and Not a Soul to Abide by Them.

Sitting on the dock listening to the crickets chirping and the peepers striking up a hell of a tune I found myself mulling over how damned foolish we tend to get in this hobby over wilderness exploration. As a group we take ourselves out of the reality that exists just outside our walls and create, often out of whole cloth, rules that no natural world could exist by just so that we can vainly proclaim our mastery over the mercurial games we play. It's a vanity game we're playing when we go down that avenue and as group we need to stop wasting our time pretending like it's anything else.

Look you can work on your game maps for decades and post them to your blog along with your countless pages of excel formulas that detail every minute detail of your world. I'm sure that someone out there will be really impressed with the volume of work you've put out and they'll probably fellate your ego. The problem is, you're just wasting your time. 

I'm all for knowing the broad ranges of creatures that exist in your gaming region. I'm just not for wasting my time drawing out useless charts that will never get used by anyone - let alone me. See I'll make disease charts and invent crowd movement rules to simplify my life and to make my games run smoother, but I'm not going to spend my nights creating excel charts that will let me know when the buffalo herd is going to be hit with a massive sexy-time-tornado the likes of which will make Havana seem like a timid and sexually repressed area.  

If what you're working on is not germane to the game stop wasting your time fooling with it. Put your efforts into avenues that will actually make things easier for you. The game is hard enough without adding complexity just to stroke your own metaphorical prick.

Awesome Writing Advice from Brian Micheal Bendis

Anonymous asked: So I've been writing frequently for a few years now and I really think I've got some cool things to share with the world, a story inside of me that I love telling. The problem is, whenever I write, all I get are complicated science fiction gimmicks and plots driven by plot devices. My characters are super flat, so the story comes out looking like a bad episode of Star Trek. Advice?

Don’t do that :-)

Do some writing exercises that are just about your characters. just work on developing them as characters. that doesn’t mean how they dress or what they look like but the choices that they make. the character. the voice

Put them in a situation different from the one you are writing. see what they do. see what it is that you like about them. and watch them come back into your story and completely rip the plot apart.

Because the story should be about them not about your plot - - Brian Micheal Bendis