That Princess Was Always Up to No Good.

Last night I was showing my wife Super Mario Bros 2, which she had never played before, when she asked me why all the Shy Guys were guys. This quickly got us onto an idea that she's been kicking around that the Princess in the Mario games was a trifling hussy who enjoyed getting kidnapped.

"It's the attention," she said as she looked at me. "There are some people who will do anything to make sure that everyone is looking at them all the time and that's what she's doing.

"Besides we both know that most of the people helping Koopa out are just women tired of her shit."

So I made this.

Enough is Enough by Charles Akins

It's 8.5" x 11" and it's available on my storefront for $10.45. If you like it you can pick it up by clicking on the link below.

Enough is Enough by That_Akins_Store
View custom art Posters & Prints at online Zazzle

Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons, Announced and a Look at Other Connected Products that have been Announced.

This morning Wizards of the Coast announced the next storyline being produced for Fifth Edition: Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons. According to the synopsis the adventure takes place in the Underdark where the the Archmage of Menzoberranzan, Gromph Baenre, has torn open a portal to the demonic Abyss; out of the portal came the Demon Lords who are now wreaking havoc in the Forgotten Realms.

It was confirmed this morning by The Newbie DM that Wizards of the Coast has elected to follow a similar strategy to previously published storylines, Tyranny of Dragons and Princes of the Apocalypse, with Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons by working on the latest storyline in conjunction with a third party company, Green Ronin.

@newbiedm @Wizards_DnD We worked with the talented folks at Green Ronin Publishing.

— Nathan Stewart (@NathanBStewart) May 6, 2015

Green Ronin has built up a reputation for publishing fantastic products, consistently high production standards, and award winning games since it was first founded in 2000. Bringing them on board to work on Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons sets the expectations for the adventure at a higher level than the fantastic Princes of the Apocalypse had already set.

This storyline will see the continued expansion of the Dungeons & Dragons game across a wide swath of media including books, a computer and console video game, and of course the tabletop. Some things have been confirmed in the press release:

• The free MMORPG, Neverwinter, will receive a new expansion designed to bring the players deep into Menzoberranzan with Drizzt Do'Urden tentatively titled Neverwinter: Underdark. There are several unique quests that will be written for this expansion by R.A. Slavatore. You can expect the PC version of Neverwinter to receive the expansion first followed by a release for Xbox One.

• Sword Coast Legends will continue themes of this storyline. In the press release it appeared that Drizzt Do'Urden would be playing a major role.

• Demogorgon, Orcus, Graz’zt, and Drizzt Do'Urden have been confirmed to be in the tabletop adventure; however, Dungeons & Dragons Brand Director, Nathan Stewart, added ". . . D&D fans will get their mettle tested just like Drizzt when they come face to face with all the demon lords . . ." (Tayebi). While this appears to imply that all of the forty-nine Demon Lords from D&D's past may make an appearance in the adventure it is far more likely that it will either only be the three specifically mentioned or the three plus one or two additional surprise appearances. Personally, I hope that Fraz-Urb'luu will show up.

In addition to the above confirmed information we also know that Wizards of the Coast has partnered up with WizKids, GaleForce Nine, and Smiteworks to bring enhancements for the tabletop side of things. Most of what follows is guess work based on the companies' previous products.

WizKids

Icons of the Realms, Set 3, is scheduled for launch in August 2015. There are 128 figures to be released with this run and it is my guess that this set will have figures specifically designed to tie in with the Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons storyline - though you will not find any of the Demon Lords. Only one of the figures for the run has been revealed at this time and it's a wicked looking White Dragon promotional figure. As I find out more specifics of the line in the coming months I will have more concrete information.

GaleForce Nine

Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons Deluxe DM Screen and Cards: This is a fairly safe bet as GaleForce Nine has released a Tyranny Of The Dragons DM Screen and have a Elemental Evil DM Screen that was released for the Princes of the Apocalypse.

Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons Spellbook Cards: This too seems a fairly safe bet as GaleForce Nine has released an Elemental Evil Spellbook Cards for the Princes of the Apocalypse. 

Deluxe Demon Lord Figures: GaleForce Nine has been the go to producer for all the deluxe miniatures for Wizards of the Coast for a while now and with the announcement that they will continue to partner with Wizards this seems like a forgone conclusion.

Smiteworks

Exclusive maps, sprites, and online content. With the announcement that Smiteworks's Fantasy Grounds had gotten a license for the Dungeons & Dragons game this appears to be a foregone conclusion.

Out of the Abyss, Rage of Demons will be released on September 15, 2015 to the wider market at a price of $49.95 and will take players from level 1 - 15. While the later street date might indicate to some that Wizards of the Coast will have nothing for Gen Con 2015 I would like to remind everyone that they released books early last year as a Gen Con exclusive so it's likely that they will do so again.

As of this writing no sites have listed the new adventure for pre-order.

I Like Killing Ogres

During the first year that I ran this blog I made an off-handed comment about how I like killing all the ogres in life because it pleased me to make them scream. Since then it's been one of those things that I hear people saying to me on a regular basis which tickles me to no end. So since I've started up a store front I decided that it might be a good idea to throw something out there with that phrase.

Kill All the Ogres In Life Square Sticker by That_Akins_Store

I've got stickers and a journal for sale with the phrase and image on them. I got to tell you, I may not be a graphic designer but I'm having a lot of fun doing this stuff and I hope you cats are finding things that you like and want to buy. I figure this is a hell of a lot more fun for you guys as you can buy things that you actually get tangible goods for your money instead of just shoving money at me like I'm some scantily clad hooker on her first night in a John's car. 

That just got really dark fast. 

Kill All the Ogres In Life Journal by That_Akins_Store

I Opened Up a Digital Storefront

As some of you will have noticed from the large billboard on the right side of the screen I have opened up a digital storefront. It's still a work in progress but it's going in the right direction. Anyway, I decided to do open it up after I had received a couple of requests to purchase some of the posters I've made. While I could probably sell the Greyhawk Posters on there as a parody product I would rather avoid getting a Cease & Desist Order from Wizards of the Coast, Gail Gygax, or anyone else who might take a notion to do so. That means that you won't see any of those posters on the digital storefront. Instead you'll find all of the original designs that I make on the blog and things that I make exclusively for the storefront.

I'll be making announcements on the blog, every so often, when I have something new to sale. Now all of the money that I make off of those products already up on the storefront, and those yet to come, will be going to buy better equipment to draw with, more RPG books to help inspire my posts, and lots of wine to lubricate the gears of my mind. So if those sound like things you'd like to support then be sure to pick something up today!

Never Enough Time, Until There's Too Much

Drinking.

I'm drinking while I write this tonight, though it won't post until the morning, because today was a day for such things. I am wild in my own thoughts wrapped up in the terrible possibilities that come along with my own ill chosen words. "He's such a fucking cunt," was not where I expected the conversation to go and yet there it was. It hung in the air between us like a wet fart in a crowded elevator. Her jaw hung loose as she stared at me and my blood ran cold knowing that with that single line - with that word I so rarely use - that I had just begun a fight that would run all night. Oh and how it has raged. My, God, there have been tears streaming from beautiful blue eyes as she told me where I could expect to find my dick in the morning. 

Riposte.

Our words formed a gulf deeper than the Mariana Trench which we filled with insults, recriminations, and threats of sexual embargoes. Our voices rose up and exploded like thunder as each tried to shout the other down. There are no winners here; we are all lost with pride dividing us. 

Coule

Words are meaningless when she cries. Everything else falls apart as we cuddle next to each other on the couch. Whispered, "I'm sorry," escapes from our lips as we watch the news. Mike Huckabee has announced he's running for President of the United States. We listen to his speech and as the crowd goes wild she cups my chin in her hand and turns me to face her. "I'm sorry," she says, "you're right. He is a fucking cunt."

The Last Stop, Deep Breath

Since I first started doing the Greyhawk posters I've been having a lot of fun creating again. There's something so satisfying about the whole process of making these things. 

So I decided to start making a new series of posters that will go under the title "The Last Stop." These posters have a theme that runs across them but I'll leave it up to you to determine what that is, and whether you like them or not. Here's the first one, Deep Breath. I hope you guys like it too.

I'm experimenting with these images so you'll have to bear with me as I work through it all.

Orcs Are So Passe

Orcs are boring, passe, trite even. Don't believe me? Just look around online where there are a vast array of voices vying for your attention just so that they can tell you that Orcs aren't worth your time. "Listen, Buddy," they say with a condescending smile, "I'm sure that Orcs were just fine for your campaign back when you were just starting out; too new and dumb to know your asshole from a hole in the ground, and there's a certain nostalgia that keeps you coming back to them. But really, do you want to waste your time with something so lame?"

"Lame?," you say, "but I like Orcs. They're fun and I do this really cool thing with mine where I -"

"Oh I'm sure you think it's cool, but what you're doing is just retreading the same ground that all of us have walked on before. You're Orcs are boring and your insistence on using them in your games means that you're boring too."

There is a fundamental flaw in the logic behind this argument against the inclusion of Orcs due to their banality: everyone plays every Orc, class, and setting in a way that is uniquely their own. That's a central truth for role-playing games and it has been since the first time Dave Arneson looked at Chainmail and said, "That's nice, but I think I like doing it my way better." So when you're talking about how another person runs Orcs you're doing so from a position of ignorance. You don't actually know whether their Orcs are slobbering, thoughtless, monsters -  but do you know what you actually know really well? That your Orcs are boring as shit because you've made them that way.

Orcs don't have to be that way any more than does your Fighter have to be a dull hack and slash machine that never does anything more than give you an opportunity to roll a d20 and growl menacingly at the Dungeon Master. Make them Nazis walking about with a hard on for wiping out the gnomish race. Or better still have them be a bunch of beatniks pissed off at their parents and shooting heroin up their veins while writing protest poems against the Man and rioting at concerts. Hell, make 'em samurai warriors with codes of honor and bad hair! 

What you're doing with your orcs is uniquely your own thing just as what I'm doing with mine is my own. Don't get hung up on what boring people are telling you about how they haven't enough imagination do anything fun with them. You're better than that. 

So, what are your orcs like?

Have You Got a Story to Tell? Tor's Looking for You if You're the Right Sort of Person. [UPDATED]

On Friday Morning Tor.com announced that they had once again begun taking submissions for novellas. Now when I was growing up all of my favorite authors were seemingly being published by Tor; so when I saw this I was pretty excited. But you know there's something odd about this announcement. 

 At this time, we are particularly seeking science fictional novellas of all varieties. Lee Harris is particularly interested in space opera, time travel thrillers and interesting new approaches to classic science fiction themes, while Carl Engle-Laird is seeking near-future science fiction and technothrillers that trace their lineage from cyberpunk and post-cyberpunk, as well as space operas with the sense of grandeur and mystery that remind readers of the closeness between space opera and fantasy. We will also be happy to accept fantasy and urban fantasy stories, though we will be prioritizing the SF submissions.

In addition, both Lee Harris and Carl Engle-Laird actively request submissions from writers from underrepresented populations. This includes, but is not limited to, writers of any race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, nationality, class and physical or mental ability. We believe that good science fiction and fantasy reflects the incredible diversity and potential of the human species, and hope our catalog will reflect that. (Engle-Laird)

That bold text up there appeared in the original posting that hit the web on Friday. 

I'm sure that putting that out there was specifically aimed as a blow in connection to the Hugo Award controversy that's going on right now but . . . to my eye it reads like they just wrote, "We want anyone except for you cock swinging, lady breeding, crackers."  Which is, like, the weirdest thing I've ever read. I mean we're talking about a company that publishes books and that wants to make money, right? Shouldn't their goal be just the best stories regardless of the author's race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, nationality, class, physical or mental ability? Why should they give a flying fuck if I'm a black, transsexual, woman who's also an atheist or if I'm a white, straight, guy who's also a Muslim? Shouldn't those things be secondary to whether the story is any good?

You might think I'm alone in this reading of that paragraph but I'm not. When this first came up in my Twitter feed this morning I passed it along to a really talented author I know who deserves to get a break and find himself published by a big company. He was excited when he first heard about it and then it all went away as he finally ended up declaring, "There's no way. They want it from underrepresented populations." 

That completely sucks. 

See this is the tangible result of these controversies we keep throwing ourselves into with such wanton disregard for their consequences. Sides dig in, and suddenly their political agendas become more important than just putting out the best product. These last few years have been overly political with people on both sides of the aisle trying to force their agendas on everyone else and it's clearly a pox on all our houses. Just think how many times you've seen someone one write, "You can't work with this person they're toxic," or "Don't dare associate with her. She believes the wrong things."

I've lost count. 

I am so very tired of this nonsense. We are living in the 21st century. We are on the cusp of electromagnetic engines that can let us travel to Mars in weeks. We have computers that can store more books on their hard drives than any 100 people could read in their lifetimes. I can communicate with people across unimaginable distances and see them on my computer screen in real time. We have a space station and laser guns! Why the fuck are we still letting ourselves be sidetracked with this bullshit?

[[EDIT 5/2/2015 5:40 PM EST]] After talking about this issue with +Russ Morrissey and +Matthew B I've come to the conclusion that I over reacted to the bold text. Most likely I was projecting my own insecurities onto their statements since I actually want to be published one day by one of the big book publishers and I want the people I like published too.

Please accept my apologies for my overreaction and for talking to you with my head shoved firmly up my ass. I'm sure it was hard to hear me clearly when I was so muffled. ;)

Works Cited

Engle-Laird, Carl. "Tor.com is Open to Novella Submissions!" Tor.com. 5/1/2015. Web.

Contemplating Entering the ENnies.

I'm contemplating entering this year's ENnies. The problem is that I have to select a single post to give them for a representative of my blog. One that will make them be all, "OMG I NEEDZ DIS BOGGERS!"

Well, that's probably not what they're going to sound like since they're not from the back woods. Still I need a post to select for them to read. The time period runs from May 1, 2014 to April 30, 2015 and I've got to pick just one. Any suggestions out there? Nobody Makes It Out Alive?

I'm kind of stumped.

Welcome to May and a Few Other Notes

So April was a wildly successful month for me in a lot of ways but none more so than creatively. Right now I'm feeling like my mind is going a thousand miles an hour and there just isn't enough time to get everything done!

It's stupendous.

Right so I've added my Amazon wish list on the right hand side of the blog because it sounded like a good idea to me at the time. Figure there are worse things than throwing up a list of things that I want to buy eventually. It's like a great incentive program to remind me what the fuck I'm working towards every time that I open up the blog. Also starting a new poster series next week kids. Hope you guys like it.

Okay, time for a shower and then workings.