Friday, January 1, 2016

Stones Carried in Wheel Barrels


It's 2016 and that means that it's time for all kinds of resolutions, predictions, and regrets that haunt us for years to come. But if you're looking for that sort of thing then you'll have to check back later because today is my day for looking back on some of my favorite things said at the table over the last year. So here they are, in no particular order, some of my favorite things said around the table, the characters (and occasionally the people), and what was happening for a bit of context. Hope you enjoy them.

****** Dyvers, the Home of Classy Happenings ******

This might not be the right time or place but I hope that your wife gets gonorrhea and that they change it's name to her's so that generations from now people look at each other and say, "Did you see that skeezy bastard I went home with last night?  I hope he didn't give me Helen!" 
-- Sir Roderick Stone, said before the King on his majesty's wedding day. 

I heard the King likes to fuck pigs.
-- Megan, Destroyer of Virginity and Slayer of Orks, as she attempted to enter the King's hall with her seven prized boar.

Brother I hope that God-damned bus hits you on your way to church and that the Devil wakes you up each morning with a gentle caress along your cheek while whispering, "Isn't this nice Steve? Don't you think we should re-do the living room? Maybe in 100 year old oak floors and mauve?" And that no matter what you do he's never fucking happy.
-- James Holloway, the Gay Bard, upon learning that he wasn't the first in the group to see Star Wars

Yeah, well, your brother's dick is bigger.
-- Alissa Lexington, the Elder, said to her husband after he told her that he thought her sister was hotter than her and that she should lose some weight. 

Does anyone else smell sulfur? I'm allergic you know.
-- Nevil Stone, the Diabolist. 

So I hear that your Mother gives great head.
-- Staff Sgt. Sarah Jones in reply to Ambassador Ambrose of the Sartan Empire's demand that she surrender.

Fuck a bunch of ice.
-- Ozark Pizark, Captain of the Galloway Cruiser, after being told that there were ice bergs nearby.

So does your Butler always fuck owlbears or is this just something he does for special guests?
-- Milo Barker, envoy of Dyvers, upon meeting the Mayor of Greyhawk.

Look, if you're going to be a bitch about it then fine; you go in there and fuck it.
-- Megan, Destroyer of Virginity and Slayer of Orks, as she shoved the complaining wizards into the pit with the Rock Troll.

If my Bard only sings Death Metal can I use intimidate instead of perform for my checks? Pretty sure that's the sort of character I'm playing tonight
-- Poot, my brother, as he sat down at the table with his Half-Orc.

Have you ever taken a shit so big that it grew legs and climbed out of the bowl so it could slap you across the mouth? Pretty sure that just happened to me. 
-- Grodnar the Flatulent, as he opened negotiations with a war band of goblins that had surrounded the city


Stay classy kids.

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