If You're Going to Be Evil Part 5

Neverwas had already stepped outside the dungeon doorway and was admonishing us for going in there in the first place. His ball cap was down over his eyes and his scraggly beard was bristling up in what I presume he thought of as an intimidating manner. He pointed that finger at me and then at Biggboy and said, "Now you're going to fall in line or we're going to put an end to the both of you."

I was going to tell him that it would be a cold day in hell before I listened to his bullshit ass, but Biggboy raised his hands up and said, "Fine, fine, we'll be good." I was so damned shocked that it took me fully thirty seconds to realize that a second note had been passed to Little Boy.

"Stick to the plan," Poot whispered in my ear. So I bit back my venom and raised my hands in acquiescence. I regretted it immediately, but if everything went according to the plan it would be worth it. For the next thirty minutes Biggboy, Poot and I were good little boys, dutifully performing every task that our "leader" demanded. We set up an ambush spot and spent a week robbing stage coaches and killing sniveling guards that were only there to challenge us, not to beat us. All the while Thief 1 and Thief 2 were sending notes to Little Boy who was scribbling away his answers as fast as he could to keep up.

They were sending messages on note cards at first. Then when they ran out of cards they used bits of notebook paper and moldy book covers. At one point they even wrote a message on the side of a pencil and leaned over Little Boy's shoulders to await his answer. That was the note that pushed Neverwas over the edge. "What are you two doing?" he barked in his most authoritative manner. 

Each looked at a corner of the roof, far, far away from Neverwas and said, "Nothing."

Seems legit, I said, but I need a piss break. So time out!

Before Neverwas could press the issue the room broke as the smokers headed outside where Poot and Biggboy would corner Little Boy. The plan was a simple one, but if it broke the wrong way our side would be dead within five minutes and the boys had to establish our line of thought in Little Boy's mind. 

The plan had to succeed.

Thorough their notes Thief 1 and Thief 2 had been sending missives off to the High Druid north of Harn and to the Grand Wizard (Thief 1 had come back as a wizard) in Harn proper. Biggboy was preparing to cook the night's meal using all of the ingredients he'd been collecting since we came down the well - and Little Boy had already determined in a "ninja" note that if anyone ate all that nasty shit they would most definitely die. And as I stood there at the urinal Poot was saddled next to Baby Momma and Pony tail pushing them away from Neverwas and into our pocket.

Surely it would work, I thought as I washed up, and then I found myself getting tired. I had worked my 128th day straight going into this game, averaging 16 hours a shift, and looking at myself in the mirror I began to realize that I was wearing a bit thin. For the first time in my life I could actually see gray creeping into my hair and over the last three months I had really started smoking and drinking entirely too much. Ho, ho! You're getting much too serious, kid. Let's get back to the game and deal with that mess later.

As I stepped outside Elton's Lifetime Loser Lounge to bring everyone back to the table I saw the black and white squad car pulled on the curb and Poot talking to the policemen. It seems the cops had come to join our game.

More later.

Click here to read Part 6

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Part 1: We Kill Everyone

Part 2: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Well

Part 3: Lose a Thief, Lose a Friend

Part 4: A Fractured Party is Good for All Concerned

Part 5: Murder Comes to Those Who Wait

Part 6: Never Trust a Woman with Cruel Intentions

Part 7: The Lady Takes First Blood

Part 8: Jailed and Left to Rot

Kor's Palace

Standing on the edge of town is a dilapidated brothel that has been there since before the turn of the century. It sticks out like an infected thumb; green and with boards hanging all at odd angles. A single, pulsing, red lantern hangs over the doorway proclaiming its professional status for all the world to see.

There are lines, with waiting times and Now Serving numbers assigned to each Harry, Dick, and John that round the block and down the next six. Smoking is encouraged and drinking is considered a virtue in that queue but it is not required. Big men and small alike stand there, nervously biting their nails and combing their hair as they wait to be called - though the smaller ones pray that they measure up to the sign that reads "You must be this long to ride."

You'll find Madam Kor standing at the door there, always with a cigarette hanging on her lip, and too much make up hiding her aging looks. When she was younger they say that she could stop traffic and even horses would run into walls as she walked by; but those days are long since past. Now she breaks scales, hips, and backs.

Inside is a neon kaleidoscope of colors with garish reds, oranges, pinks, violets, indigos, and jaundiced yellows plastering every wall; while a three inch thick shag carpet snags your toes and trips you into plush beds where no doctor would dare lay his head. It's said that there are turnstiles at each doorway and a neon sign hangs above ever calling out the next guest. 

Now Serving Customer Number

23,046,

23,047

23,048

Girls enter and only hags leave with their legs bowed and backs weighted down with gold. And all the good folk wonder why a girl who can't have a job would leave behind a life of servitude to lay on her back for ten or twenty years and walk away a rich, old whore. "Surely," they solicitously whisper, "no life is worth that indignity." 

When the war came in the 40s it was the whores who paid the soldiers and bought their armaments. When the city fell in the winter '56 it was they who slew the 156th to the last man and kept the city warm and well fed. And now with the horde knocking on the gates, its to them that we look for salvation.

Source

So pack your gas mask and tip the ladies - they're the only hope we've got.

If You're Going to Be Evil Part 4

We would spend the next hour wondering about the dungeon at the bottom of the bottomless pit without so much as a single combat. Doors and traps seemed to have been the only thing that this place contained and I grew bored of the monotony. Biggboy, on the other hand, was becoming devilishly clever in how he amused himself. As we made our way through the rooms with their moss, lichen, mushrooms, and rat droppings he collected everything. I could hear him giggling to himself with each new addition to his collection. Dismembered heads from Neverwas' old characters, the fingers that remained from Pony Tail's character, a bit of black mold, ash from the burnt end of rope that had fallen down the well after him, all of it was meticulously collected and stored.

I would have been concerned if not for the fact that Poot, Biggboy, and I had long since decided that we would make it out of this dungeon alive - whether anyone else made it or not wasn't our concern. While Biggboy was worrying himself with his mad collection Poot had been whispering to Thief 1 and Thief 2. 

"You know that Neverwas is going to start his shit again as soon as we get out of here," he would say. "He already thinks that we're following his lead."

"That dick." said Thief 1.

"Should I fuck his girl?" asked Thief 2. "Seriously. I mean she isn't much to look at, but I'll do it for the team if that's what's needed."

"No," Poot whispered and he told them the plan. Teams were being organized within our group, and we were determined to make it out alive, or at the very least, with an incredibly funny story to tell. 

----------------------------------------------

Pony Tail's new character, a Bard, had discovered a map in room 16a. He started to tell us about the map right after he found it but Biggboy announced that unless he sang about it he wouldn't believe that Pony Tail was a bard; and if he couldn't trust him then he couldn't let him live. So he started to sing about it, but Poot demanded that it had to have a back beat you could dance to or it wouldn't count. And I'll be damned if the son-of-a-bitch didn't pull it off.

Using nothing but the table, a box top, and his voice he sang one hell of a great song. There was a story, I'm fairly certain that at some point he brought in the size of his junk, and somewhere in all that mess he told us about the map. But by then we'd decided that he had such a good singing voice that we didn't give a damn about the map so we kept him singing.  For half an hour he kept on singing, telling anyone who would listen that according to his map we only had to go down the hallway on our right and through two doors on the left and we'd be out.

Looking back on it we probably should have followed his directions, but we were having too much fun listening to him sing variations on "I've got a map!" and annoying Neverwas by going in the opposite direction to care. After all, we still had plenty of rations, and when those ran out we'd just kill another one of Neverwas' characters and loot the body. 

It was Baby Mamma who broke our fun and sided with Neverwas and Pony Tail to start steering the group towards the exit. It isn't that she was the most persuasive young lady you'd ever met, but Poot, who would eventually marry her, and Thief 1 had a thing for her. So where she went so did they, and we needed Poot and Thief 1 for our plan to work. So we went where she did.

That's a life lesson right there. Where the woman goes, so do we all.

To everyone's surprise it seems that Pony Tail's map was legitimate and he didn't lead us into a massive pit of never-ending pain and death; and the door we ended up at had a lock with a low enough difficulty class that cracking it was like getting a virgin to give it up on prom night. So we're standing there listening to Little Boy describe the beautiful night's sky and the town of Harn off in the distance.

It was then that Thief 1 passed a note to Little Boy. 

More later.

Click here to read Part 5

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Part 1: We Kill Everyone

Part 2: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Well

Part 3: Lose a Thief, Lose a Friend

Part 4: A Fractured Party is Good for All Concerned

Part 5: Murder Comes to Those Who Wait

Part 6: Never Trust a Woman with Cruel Intentions

Part 7: The Lady Takes First Blood

Part 8: Jailed and Left to Rot

The Lost Caverns of Tsojconth, Part 1

Over the last few days I've been examining two different versions of the Lost Caverns of Tsojconth. The first was published for WinterCon V way back in 1976 and the second was published as S4: the Lost Caverns of Tsojconth in 1982. Naturally there are going to be differences, six years of additional development and an additional 53 pages of content will do that every time, but I've never compared the two before and so I'm for it with my own eyes and thoughts on the thing. I know there are others who have been here before and I don't care. 

For my purposes I will refer to the 1976 module as the original and the 1982 version as the sequel. This should make it easier to differentiate. With that settled, let's start at the beginning.

The Introduction

Several Decades ago when the Archmage Iggwilv brought the Marches of Perrunland under his domination, considerable store of treasure was taken from that place and sequestered by him somewhere in the no man’s land between the Duchy of Geoff and the forsaken Sea of Dust. Among his loot were several rare and prized tomes and the fabled lamp known as Daoud’s Wonderous Lanthorn.

When Iggwilv was slain by the Demon Graz’zt, and his minions scattered by an uprising of oppressed subjects, rumors began to spread regarding where the Archmage’s treasure trove was located. Considering the cartloads of precious metals and gems taken away during the overthrow, it is not surprising that most of these whispered suggestions were ignored as spurious. However, the books and the Lanthorn were never found, and the rumors did reach some interested parties, for several expeditions have sought to locate these items, but the parties were either unsuccessful in their attempts to find the location of the Caverns of Tsojconth (where the most reliable rumors claim the treasure rests) or else failed to return. (Original version, pg. 1)

The salient points of this short introduction are: (1.) that the Archmage Iggwilv is male; (2.) that the Marches of Perrunland were under his dominion several decades ago; (3.) Iggwilv is dead, slain by the demon Graz'st; (4.) Iggwilv hid his plunder somewhere between the Dutchy of Geoff and the Sea of Dust; (5.) the Caverns of Tsojconth are said to hold this plunder. 

Let's compare that introduction with the one that appeared in the sequel: 

Nearly a century ago the Arch-mage Iggwilv sent her evil minions to conquer the lands around her abode. So successful was she that the Marches of Perrenland were subjugated for a decade, and great indeed was the loot brought to Iggwilv's lair in answer to her insatiable demands for treasure. Legend states that the arch-mage gained much of her prowess from discovering the Lost Caverns of Tsojcanth, where in was hidden magic of unsurpassed might. It is certain that lggwilv ruled her domain from these caverns. There she also conducted arcane experiments and rituals, trying to further increase her powers.

These experiments were her downfall, for during one she accidentally freed the demon Graz'zt, whom she had imprisoned and forced into servitude. There was a terrible battle, and although the demon was forced to flee to the Abyss, lggwilv was so stricken from the contest that her powers and strength were forever lost. With the wane of her evil, lggwilv's realm was sundered. Her former henchmen and slaves stole her treasure and scattered to the four winds in the face of enemy armies. The arch-mage, however, used the last of her power to prepare a hiding place in the caverns for her remaining wealth. Legends say that this included several tomes of great power and the fabled lamp called Daoud's Wondrous Lanthorn. What else might be hidden no one knows, for no one has yet discovered Iggwilv's hoard.

That lggwilv is long dead and gone cannot be doubted. Until recently, though, the stories of her secret cache of treasure in the Lost Caverns of Tsojcanth were regarded as another grandfathers' tale to amuse the younglings. Cartloads of tapestries and rugs, statues and rare art objects have been recovered over the years as well as chests of precious metals, sacks of coin, and coffers filled with gems and jewelry. It was believed that all her treasure had been looted, and that no magic or wealth remained. However, recent investigations have indicated that the magical lanthorn did exist and that lggwilv possessed it. Iggwilv's lair was definitely located somewhere between the gorge of the Velverdyva River and the hills east of the town of Krestible. The realms of luz, Perrenland, and Ket have sent expeditions into the Yatil Mountains seeking the exact location of the caverns; the few that have survived have all failed. (sequel, pg. 2)

The important points in this introduction: (1.) the Archmage Iggwilv is female; (2.) her strongholds were in the Marches of Perrenland; (3.) Iggwilv's strength has been broken yet she survived the battle; (4.) most of her wealth was scattered across the world as her slaves and henchmen took off with it all; (5.) the plunder is definitely between the Velverdyva River and the hills east of the town Krestible.

So let's talk about the big differences between these two versions. 

Iggwilv

In the original version of this adventure Iggwilv is a man and is actually slain by Graz'zt. Which really would have put a different spin on the origin and story of Iuz. Of course Iggwilv and Graz'zt could have adopted the cambion igniting a whole slew of anti-gay sentiment and crazed religious fervor . . . you know, I kind of like the idea. Just imagining them trying to live a normal life with a half demon child while a bunch of crazed, sign-welding, religious fanatics stand outside with signs like "GOD HATES FAGS," "IT'S THE DEMON IN YOU THAT MAKES YOU ACT THIS WAY," and "SAY NO TO MAN / DEMON LOVE!" just makes me giggle.

By contrast with the original, in the sequel Iggwilv is a woman who has bound Graz'zt to her will - something that isn't made clear by that original description - and is able to fight off the demon, but only at a considerable loss of her own magical prowess. That makes the sequel more powerful than her male counterpart.

There is also the notion that Iggwilv in the sequel is from Perrenland while the original appears to be a conqueror from outside that area. Where Iggwilv is from can have an impact on how the defenses are designed and what languages are used within the stronghold. It could also hold a key as to determining how the Caverns of Tsojconth are protected from prying eyes.

Perrunland, uh Perrenland

Another difference between the two version are the changes in spelling. In the original its Perrunland and Tsojconth; while in the sequel it's Perrenland and Tosjcanth. They're sutble differences between the various versions of the module but the tend to point us in the direction of an evolving world where Gary Gygax is continuously refining his understanding of the lands and Robert Kuntz is pushing back against the confines of a game that could easily become static without such efforts.

The Caverns are Where Again?

If you read the original you're going to be immediately struck by two notions: (1.) that's a big area of land to search for the Caverns; (2.) why did Gary change their location?

When you consider that the original description has the location of the caves somewhere between Geoff and the Sea of Dust you've got to imagine the ridiculous amount of land you're going to have to explore just to find the damned caves. And when you consider that it's mostly mountainous travel . . . you might as well plan on having epic level characters exploring a dungeon designed for sixth level. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for that sort of challenge as a Dungeon Master, but you're going to burn out your players.

So I think that the reason the location was changed from so a large expanse to a smaller area was so that there was a reasonable chance that the actual players might find the Caverns before they grew old and died.

Works Cited
 Gygax, Gary  The Lost Caverns of Tsojconth. MDG, USA: 1976. pg. 1

Gygax, Gary S4: The Lost Caverns of Tsjocanth. TSR Hobbies, Inc. USA: 1982. pg. 2

Read the Complete Series

Part 1: The Lost Caverns of Tsojconth

Part 2: Getting to the Adventure

Part 3: Into the Woods We Go

Part 4: The Greater and Lesser Cavern Maps

Part 5: The Dungeon Proper, the Lesser Caverns

Part 6: Conclusion

Half a Billion Dollars.

The Mega Millions Lottery is set to draw tonight and the prize for the whole thing is $586 million dollars. So I want to know what the top ten things you would buy if you won (excluding paying off bills). Seriously, we spend all our time playing Dungeons and Dragons I bet that there are a thousand unbelieveably great ideas out there!

So what's yours?

--------------------------------------------- UPDATE --------------------------------------------------

The Mega Millions Lottery was just announced at $636 million. Holy fuck balls that's a lot of money. I hope I win, and if you win I hope you give me some of it! : D

If You're Going to Be Evil Part 3

The door to the secret room swung open with a grinding noise that told me Pony Tail should be the first to enter, which he gleefully did. He rubbed his greedy little hands together and with a gleam in his eyes asked, "So what do I see in the secret room?"

Little Boy was getting a bit verbose in his descriptions and I had the feeling that his wife had been buying word of the day calendars again. Somewhere in there I zoned out; I believe it was around the time that he started describing the vermillion drapes and the expressions on the two-hundred porcelain dolls that seemed to watch you no matter where you went in the room. The next thing I knew Poot was nudging me in the ribs and whispering, "What sort of dumb mother fucker are we playing with here? Honestly, he hasn't even checked for traps! And now he's naming each of the dolls! What. the. fuck."
 
I don't know what sort of crazed beast we had let loose in that dungeon with us, but it was telling that Pony Tail's biggest concern wasn't looking for traps but naming the god-damned dolls and looking for "shine-ies" as he drawled it out under each one of their precious little bottoms. I stood there at the entrance way, watching him pick up each doll and gently placing it back again when he found nothing under them, and it was about that time that Biggboy noticed what was going on.

He looked at me, and then to Pony Tail, and then to Little Boy. Back and forth he went for a solid thirty seconds. In that gravely voice he said, "What's he picking up?"

Dolls.

"Is he going to fuck them?"

I don't know.

"Fuck this shit, I have people to kill and this is slowing me down," he said as he dove into the dolls, smashing them to bits.

Even though it was funny I have to admit that I was getting mightily annoyed with the boy. Pony Tail had missed trap after trap and had broken all of his daggers as we'd made our way through the dungeon, and now he was bitching about Biggboy breaking his dolls. Honestly I don't know where his priorities were, but I do know that they weren't on finding "shine-ies" and they for damned sure weren't on finding traps.

So as we're making our way forward I'm finding myself healing the fool at every turn. Already fixing his ass had burned through all but one of my healing spells and he'd drank me to my last healing potion. I know that I shouldn't have let my temper brake when at the next door he snapped my knife in the lock, but I was done with this foolishness.

"Do you have another knife?" he sheepishly asked me.

Of course I do, I replied as I slammed his head down on the doorknob and worked his jaws to open it.

"Why'd you do that," Pony Tail cried out.

The fuck do you think I did that? Check the next god-damned door. 

He pouted as he checked the door and announced that it wasn't trapped and that it wasn't locked. To this day I don't know why I believed him. He had literally failed every check throughout the dungeon and had sprung half a dozen traps on us in three rooms. So it shouldn't have been a surprise when the door blew up in my hand.

I stood there fuming that this fool had just cost me the last of my ill-gotten healing potions while Little Boy gloated and Neverwas furiously cobbled together his seventh character. And I lost my temper. I shoved Pony Tail's thief into the next door triggering a trap that knocked him unconscious. Poot and I then picked up his unconscious body and threw him through the door, and through the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that. Now you may be asking yourself if it's really appropriate to use a teammate as a battering ram. I cannot answer that for you; I can only say that it was way too much fun and that I would do it again tomorrow if given the chance.

"Great," said Poot as Pony Tail's character dissolved in the acid trap we had just sprung, "Now where are we going to find a thief?"

"You need a thief," asked Neverwas? "I just rolled one up!" And the angels wept my friends. 

More later.

Click here to read Part 4

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Part 1: We Kill Everyone

Part 2: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Well

Part 3: Lose a Thief, Lose a Friend

Part 4: A Fractured Party is Good for All Concerned

Part 5: Murder Comes to Those Who Wait

Part 6: Never Trust a Woman with Cruel Intentions

Part 7: The Lady Takes First Blood

Part 8: Jailed and Left to Rot

Is Blogger Acting Funny?

Is Blogger acting funny for anyone else or is there something seriously wrong with my browser?

None of the blogs I'm looking at are showing more than their latest post in the view screen and I have to go into the older posts tab to see anything else.

FAQ for If You're Going to Be Evil

Why was the shop a "Magic Weapon Walmart?"

From what I've been able to tell the reason why the DM, Little Boy, decided to have a magic shop with that many wondrous items in it was so that he could feed us monsters out of the well and we would have somewhere to shop. Unfortunately most of his plans went out the window when we went completely off script.

This seems like a clear-cut case of "Stupid Evil" alignment to me. There are blood relatives of the village victims in other towns, no? And a Lord or King who benefits from taxes collected at this village? They will investigate and put a bounty on the PCs heads. The PCs will spend the entire campaign exiled from the polity, evading bounty hunters, and fending off parties of knights dispatched from the Lord or King.

The thought process, at least on my end, was that once we had started the killing we had best do as much damage as possible, as quickly as possible, to prevent the Dungeon Master from getting back on his feet. We had staggered him and if we were to keep that advantage we had to press the scenario as far as we could. 

Things of course got a bit out of hand, but that's true of every campaign, regardless of alignment. 

In all the evil campaigns I've played in the sessions devolved into in-fighting and psychopathy. It appears that this campaign is heading that same way.

While we did engage in some in-fighting (the ever fun killing and re-killing of Neverwas' characters) it was mostly due to a pre-existing animosity that a majority of us have towards anyone who self-elects themselves as leader. There were a few others player characters who were killed by party members, but usually those incidents were done with either "just cause" or through accidental misfortune (see Thief 1's Druid in If You're Going to Be Evil Part 2).

What's with all the odd names?

While I am, obviously, okay with people knowing my name not many of the people I game with are. So I always make it a point to disguise their identities by using pseudonyms. 

How many players were involved in the campaign?

We had nine players and one Dungeon Master. By our campaign standards at the time it should be considered a small and intimate affair as most of the campaigns going on in our area had between twelve and twenty-two actively involved players.

It seems like you dislike most of the people you play with? Why do you play with them at all if that's the case?

I only disliked two of the ten people that I was playing with, and I do not freely associate with them to this day. However, when it comes to games of Dungeons and Dragons you don't always have a say in who is being invited - especially when you're not the Dungeon Master - so I will more often than not play nice with them so that we can all enjoy our game.

Was everyone evil, or did that change as the game progressed?

Everyone started out as evil. 

Most of the party marked themselves as Chaotic Evil and never did anything chaotic or particularly evil. There are exceptions to that, though, as Biggboy did both. He's a hell of a lot of fun to play with, by the way. 

How much have you exaggerated the Dungeon Master's pomposity?

I've tried to stay as true to him as I can. Little Boy loves to talk shit and will do it as both a Dungeon Master and as a Player. The best part is that he can usually back it up.

How many episodes will appear in this series?

Eight.

How do you feel about me sharing, re-posting, or publishing these posts?

I am fine with you re-sharing these posts as long as you give me full credit and link back to my original posts. You may not, however, publish these for profit without getting additional permission from me. 

Feel like you've missed something?

FAQ

Part 1: We Kill Everyone

Part 2: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Well

Part 3: Lose a Thief, Lose a Friend

Part 4: A Fractured Party is Good for All Concerned

Part 5: Murder Comes to Those Who Wait

Part 6: Never Trust a Woman with Cruel Intentions

Part 7: The Lady Takes First Blood

Part 8: Jailed and Left to Rot