Wednesday, December 18, 2013

If You're Going to Be Evil Part 4

We would spend the next hour wondering about the dungeon at the bottom of the bottomless pit without so much as a single combat. Doors and traps seemed to have been the only thing that this place contained and I grew bored of the monotony. Biggboy, on the other hand, was becoming devilishly clever in how he amused himself. As we made our way through the rooms with their moss, lichen, mushrooms, and rat droppings he collected everything. I could hear him giggling to himself with each new addition to his collection. Dismembered heads from Neverwas' old characters, the fingers that remained from Pony Tail's character, a bit of black mold, ash from the burnt end of rope that had fallen down the well after him, all of it was meticulously collected and stored.

I would have been concerned if not for the fact that Poot, Biggboy, and I had long since decided that we would make it out of this dungeon alive - whether anyone else made it or not wasn't our concern. While Biggboy was worrying himself with his mad collection Poot had been whispering to Thief 1 and Thief 2. 

"You know that Neverwas is going to start his shit again as soon as we get out of here," he would say. "He already thinks that we're following his lead."

"That dick." said Thief 1.

"Should I fuck his girl?" asked Thief 2. "Seriously. I mean she isn't much to look at, but I'll do it for the team if that's what's needed."

"No," Poot whispered and he told them the plan. Teams were being organized within our group, and we were determined to make it out alive, or at the very least, with an incredibly funny story to tell. 


Pony Tail's new character, a Bard, had discovered a map in room 16a. He started to tell us about the map right after he found it but Biggboy announced that unless he sang about it he wouldn't believe that Pony Tail was a bard; and if he couldn't trust him then he couldn't let him live. So he started to sing about it, but Poot demanded that it had to have a back beat you could dance to or it wouldn't count. And I'll be damned if the son-of-a-bitch didn't pull it off.

Using nothing but the table, a box top, and his voice he sang one hell of a great song. There was a story, I'm fairly certain that at some point he brought in the size of his junk, and somewhere in all that mess he told us about the map. But by then we'd decided that he had such a good singing voice that we didn't give a damn about the map so we kept him singing.  For half an hour he kept on singing, telling anyone who would listen that according to his map we only had to go down the hallway on our right and through two doors on the left and we'd be out.

Looking back on it we probably should have followed his directions, but we were having too much fun listening to him sing variations on "I've got a map!" and annoying Neverwas by going in the opposite direction to care. After all, we still had plenty of rations, and when those ran out we'd just kill another one of Neverwas' characters and loot the body. 

It was Baby Mamma who broke our fun and sided with Neverwas and Pony Tail to start steering the group towards the exit. It isn't that she was the most persuasive young lady you'd ever met, but Poot, who would eventually marry her, and Thief 1 had a thing for her. So where she went so did they, and we needed Poot and Thief 1 for our plan to work. So we went where she did.

That's a life lesson right there. Where the woman goes, so do we all.

To everyone's surprise it seems that Pony Tail's map was legitimate and he didn't lead us into a massive pit of never-ending pain and death; and the door we ended up at had a lock with a low enough difficulty class that cracking it was like getting a virgin to give it up on prom night. So we're standing there listening to Little Boy describe the beautiful night's sky and the town of Harn off in the distance.

It was then that Thief 1 passed a note to Little Boy. 

Feel like you've missed something?

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