In the last week
you've spent nearly every spare moment working on this weekend's
adventure. You've built an elaborate maze for your players to explore,
bought enough snacks to feed a small army, and now you're watching one
of them screw it all up. Oh, he's a nice enough guy away from the table;
good to his mother, takes care of his children, but at the table he's
an asshole. For some people it's difficult to ask problem players to
leave. After all, they're your friends and you just couldn't ask them to
get out - let alone confront them over their behavior! It might hurt
their precious feelings.
What about your feelings?
This
is a guide for dealing with the problem players in all our lives. What
you'll find below are the ways for dealing with friends, family, and the
strangers that have made your games a nightmare that I have been using
for the better part of the last decade. Just follow my advice and it'll
all work out.
1. He's Actually a Really Nice Guy
By
far the most common problem player is your asshole friend. In this case
we'll call him Denny. Denny is a great guy away from the table. He pays
his bills on time, is a loving father, and can tell a hysterical dirty
joke at the drop of a hat. But when this son of a bitch sits down at the
table you might as well forget about playing tonight. Oh it starts
innocently enough. He bitches a bit about work and then the game starts
and you're thinking, "Great, the game will fix everything." Only it
doesn't because now Denny is criticizing every decision that the other
players make. They're rolling wrong. They've built their characters
wrong. His last group was filled with real players. Everyone else at the
table is miserable and just when you think things can't get worse he
starts in on you.
Now
your instinct is to cut the guy a break. Everyone has an off night. But
this isn't an off night for Denny, this is every week. Every time you
get together he ruins it. So what are you to do? Tell your buddy to get
lost?
Yeah.
You
tell your friend that if he can't stop being an asshole that he isn't
allowed back next week. It sucks because he's going to be mad. But when
the alternative is allowing him to grind your games into a suckfest week
after week, driving the rest of your players away from the table, what
other option do you have? Do you really want to suffer through every
game session because you don't want to hurt his feelings?
Look,
if he's really your friend then talking to him about his behavior and
how it's affecting the group will cause him to change his attitude. But
if it doesn't, then he didn't give a flying fuck about you, the group,
or the game. In that case fuck that asshole.
2. She's Just Really Concerned About the Wider Effects of the Game on the Social and Political Reality of Our World
The
second most common problem player is the one who takes the game way
more seriously than everyone else at the table. Now this doesn't mean
that if your game is about the psychological effects of rape and
everyone at the table is down for role-playing that experience that
you're doing it wrong. Rather it's about the kid at the table who is
playing in a fun game of kill the dragon who starts trying to raise the
awareness of the group to the plight of colonial natives as derived
through your portrayal of the lowly (and totally sexist) bar maid. If as
a table the group is down for playing in a game that looks at the
world's issues through the lens of a role-playing game than that's fine.
BUT when everyone else has come to the table to kill imaginary
creatures, find treasure, explore dungeons, and have a good time playing
together doing so makes you a dick.
So
how do you deal with this type of player? Just lose their number so you
don't have to deal with them any more? Fuck no. You tell them that it's
fine that they have all these issues they'd like to raise awareness
about but your game isn't the place to do that. When they tell you about
how "You just don't get it, do you," you tell them to get the fuck
out.
See
while playing role-playing games can touch on deeper issues by placing
them into the narrative when everyone has agreed to explore those
issues; forcing others to explore those issues by insisting that the
narrative is present when it hasn't been agreed upon or brought in by
the Game Master is a dick move. You're not a socially aware gamer who is
trying to bring up the consciousness of the table. You're just a dick
who needs to get away from the table because you're ruining the game for
the rest of us.
3. They're Just Having a Good Time
The
next group of problem players comes from those obnoxious guys who keep
derailing the game. Oh, they tell the occasional funny story but by and
large its just them talking to hear themselves talk. Did you see that
game last night? Have you seen this movie on Netflix yet? I'm pretty
sure that the girl at Taco Bell wanted me . . . On and on they drone
about everything under the sun except the game. Now if you were running a
boring game it might be understandable but you haven't even been able
to start because these jackasses keep on braying about whatever comes
into their heads. The best part though, that comes at the end of the
night when they look at you and say, "Why didn't you run tonight?"
"Why
didn't I run tonight," you want to sputter; but you don't because
they're just having a good time. You spent your week coming up with a
game and they just ruined it. Instead of being quite you have to
speak up. You have to tell them that the reason you didn't get to run is
because they're a pair of assholes so self-absorbed that they went out
of their way to talk over you and to completely ruin the game for
everyone else. And it will definitely hurt their feelings when you do.
But you know what? Fuck their feelings. They didn't care about yours.
4. What Do You Mean, I'm the Problem?
Sometimes
the truth of why you're having a terrible game is because you're the
problem. You're arguing with every decision the players make and
punishing them for going off your script. You're a shitty Game Master.
"But what if I don't know if I'm a shitty Game Master?" you ask. Answer these questions.
1. Do you punish your players for going against your story?
2. Do you view your job as Game Master as the Joker to their Batman (or vice versa)?
3. Do you cheat your players (by adding hit points, increasing save DCs, ect) so that you can "win?"
If
you answered yes to any of those you're a shitty Game Master and need
to put the dice up. Stop blaming everyone else at the table and let
someone else run for a change.
5. Get the Fuck Away from My Table
Life
is difficult and oftentimes unfair so why should any of us put up with
the players who want to ruin our games. I refuse to let those sorts of
people ruin my gaming experience and as a result I've had a tremendous
amount of fun. If you follow my advice then you will be able to as well.
So go out and tell those problem players to get the fuck away from your
tables and start having a better gaming experience today.
