I have a Proposition for Business that's for Business for You!

You guys, my inbox has been getting some really strange shit lately. Like this guy from Pakistan who keeps telling me he's from Detroit even though it's clear that he has no idea how to use the English language. Dude totally has this super legit, for reals yo, offer to bring me into his hush-hush dealings where I'm gonna make a $2,500,000 for just opening up my checking account. 

How could I not do it?

Tales of Love from the Spam Bot: You've Been Awarded a Large Cash Settlement!

This morning I was working my way through my junk folder looking for something a friend had sent me when I found this little gem. Tucked deep in the folder was this rather officious looking email from the United Nations about my COMPENSATION SETTLEMENT. Clearly since it was written all in caps it had to be legitimate, so I opened it up and read away!

UNITED NATIONS OFFICE (scott@legal-island.com)
INTERNATIONAL RECONCILIATION AND LOGISTICS VAULT
UNITED NATIONS OFFICE (UN)
COMPENSATION SETTLEMENT OF ESCROW ACCOUNTS.

It is a pleasure to write you that we have reconciled with our logistic department on the reimbursement of some fund spent by you during the cause of your inadequate dealings with some imposters who claim to be staff in banks and other regional payment centers.

Our reconciliation teams with the prospectus instrument of the United Nations after freezing suspected imposters account. This support was fully effective with the help of World Bank after a summit meeting in London, on the financial analysis and financial stability issues fluctuating the economy with the international global standard.

After gathering of this sum, our logistic department gave us a list of beneficiaries to be paid a sum of $2.850,000.00 United States Dollars who fell victims to these imposters due to unawareness. And mode of payment was as well specified for proper conducts and financial regulations to kick against criminality during process of payment. We have arranged your payment through our swift card centers, with the latest instruction from United Nations Office And International Monetary Fund Reconciliation Office.

The card center will send you an Atm Visa Card which you will use to withdraw your money in any Atm Center, Banks and Union Pay Credit outlets in the world; You are hereby selected as an honor for this payment approval worth $2.850,000.00 United States Dollars, which you are to acknowledge the receipt of this mail in returning the required below to the Logistic Department by email listed below for immediately release of your above stated compensated funds so that there will be not mistake while delivering your funds to your home.

Office of Reconciliation and Logistics Vaults,
United Nations Office Representatives In Thailand
Contact Information Officer: Mr. Donald Bold
Email: mrdonaldbold@gmail.com
Tele: +66922879221

1. Full Name
2. Phone Number
3. Contact Address
4. Country

For your information, you have to stop any further communication with any other person or office claiming to be the right office to avoid any hitches in receiving your payment. Because of Impostors, we hereby issued you our code of conduct, which is (Atm-7750) so you have to indicate this code when contacting the Card Center by using it as your subject.

Kindly be informed that recipients shall be liable to pay $350 dollars which is obvious cost arising for the delivery of the donation parcel and there will be no hidden fees. This is due to Legal law protecting all donation funds misappropriation.

Yours in Service,

Mr. Ban Ki-Moon
UNITED NATIONS OFFICE
www.un.org/en/

You know when this really got real, like, for the really reals?

It was when this totally legit e-mail told me that I wasn't to contact anyone at the United Nations or any other organization, legal entity, or company who might be able to validate the authority of this e-mail, because fraudulent scammers who might try to impersonate them by going to a legitimate company and waiting for the possible call that might never come from me to ask if this whole thing were real are waiting for me to do just that. 'Cause if there's one thing that these scam artists are known for, it's going to extraordinary lengths to get my $350 dollars.

Also, Legal law.

Jesus, it's like these guys aren't even trying any more.

Tales of Love from the Spam Bot 2

Spam gets more sophisticated as the years go by and now they not only address you by name but attempt to form a personal connection with you (read last week's Tales of Love from the Spam Bot 1). Today's wonderful addition to my collection features a little dig into my greedy, little heart.

Hello Charlie,

I got in this thing for some finances and… I’m embarrassed to say, but I traded like playing the roulette -> I ain’t got a shit!

So when I first heard of this Profitin60seconds software I was like C’mon, give me a break.

WRONG!

Anyway, I joined the 30-day free trial and got so much that… I wanted to punch myself in the face for not trying it earlier!

Charlie, don’t do like me

==> Go profitin60seconds NOW!

Cheers mate,

Shawn

The phrasing of this particular spam is weird, to say the least, but it is endearing to my heart. After all, who doesn't want to take financial advice from a complete stranger who played the stock market like he was playing craps? 

I know I certainly do!

(NSFW) Tales of Love from the Spam Bot 1

Do you ever read your Spam? 

I do, both the kind that comes in the can and in my inbox. Now, don't focus too much on the ingredients in the canned meat because it'll just make you sick; but the stuff that comes in your inbox will make you laugh with delight. There's nothing like the clumsy sexual advances and bizarre requests that you open up your accounts to strange men from Nigeria and you'll be rewarded with millions and millions of imaginary dollars! Here's one of my recent favorites:

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been?

In case u dont know who this is its ME Adriana.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..

I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe...

we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..

I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..

do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move.. also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont

wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im out for now... chat ya soon..

I've known hookers, drug dealers, crack heads, and alcoholics who would suck your dick for a dollar and I've never encountered as clumsy a sexual advance - nor as poorly written. Ah well, it just goes to show that you never know what foolishness you're going to find in your spam folder.