Saying Horrible Things for Fun and Profit

One of the best parts of running the Underdark Wars game has been watching all of these really creative players come up with these complex ideas and fantastic insults. As the game goes along I'm compiling what they're writing to make it easy for everyone who comes along to read where they're going and what they're experiencing - because those sorts of records largely don't exist for any of our games, and this style of game really lends itself to a broader narrative.

Right now we're in the middle of a vote on opening up the Underdark Wars Community to the wider public so everyone can follow along as it goes. Spectators will have their own area where they can talk about the game, cheer on their favorites, and help stoke the flames of war.  

And because I've been having so much fun reading their trash talking I've collected everything so you cats who didn't have a chance to join in are able to see what you're missing! Hope you enjoy it as much as I have!

Click here to download a PDF of all the Trash Talk!

“Mark Van Vlack, shall we use plan 2.3 a 

or blitzkrieg 5.6 b to tromp them down?”

– James Aulds (Duergar)

“5.6 b naturally. Only we'll use the sneaky version this time.” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“Your plans will not matter while Nick Foster and I are feasting on your dwarven brains. It's quite a bit of work getting through the thick skulls for the tiny morsel inside.” – Jim Haltom (Mind Flayer)

“Correction ‘Duergar’ skulls, not our weaker surface loving cousins. As to the morsel you speak of will be foul and bitter, it contains only hate.” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“I don’t know what the hells going on here but I want in . . . Come to me spider queen in this time of great chaos!! May the world know your greatness at the hands of your faithful children, the TRUE rulers of the Underdark!” – Jarrod Shaw (Drow)

“Grind, Grind, Grudge, Grind , Grind, Grudge, KILL!!!!!!!!!!!”

-- James Aulds (Duergar)

“There are only grudges.” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“For you, there is only despair #slurpslurp” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“The chisels and spikes of war are being sharpened in the under-dark,pale eyes filled with hate.”

-- Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“There is no revenge for slaves. #slurpslurp” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“The most loyal servants of Lloth, those loyal beyond death, preserved with the Great Queen's own searing venom - the creche sisters, vestarches of the black city - have returned and call for war. All who are loyal to the spider queen shall march with them, and all others fall into the barbed web of destruction. 

“Lloth has marked the ancient enemy, the stunted mine worms, coal covered wretches, self style Duregar, scurrying grubs, that bastard band grown from the splintered stock of a stunted tree as the first to kneel. All else will follow. The Ghilman of Lloth are mobilizing.”

– Gus L. (Drow)

“Dwarves make good slaves and precious little else. #slurpslurp” -- Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“To all those who dare challenge the one great Beholder you shall call me Master or my visage will be the final image your eyes will gaze upon as life slowly drains from your worthless hide. “Praise to The Great Mother!”

-- Edchuck Sockmonkey (Beholder)

“What an eye-sore. Wakka, wakka, wakka!” – Mike Davison (Svirfneblin)

“You would do well to mind your tongue, gnome. The Far Realm is here. #slurpslurp” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Tremble, all you angled and jointed weaklings! 

The True Voice of the Great Mother is here, 

the most magnificently spheroid of them all. 

I've got a very special eye on each of you...”

– Anders Nordberg (Beholder)

"We watch. And we wait. 

We have all the time in the world." #slurpslurp

-- Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

"Duergar are a lesser species, little better than goats. Hardly good for eating, they are tough and stringy. Dwarves make better slaves and are not fit to rule. #slurpslurp"

-- Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Hurumph!” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“Thems fighting words if I've ever seen 'em!” – Charles Akins (Referee)

“Duergar attend only to the stone and those who should dwell within it. The Ithalid seem better suited to an aquarium, hardly a concern.” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“Concern yourselves with the stone, for it will be less that you have to work on when the Illithid emerge victorious. Be sure to make my chambers comfortable dwarf.” – Jim Haltom (Mind Flayer)

“I see you do not dare mention the might Beholders! That is wise, for we love calamares.” – Anders Nordberg (Beholder)

“The Far Realm is here.” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Totally beat me to the Calamari reference ! .. DAMN YOU BEHOLDERS!” -- Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“Your pitiful holds will be washed away in a wave of slime and madness, gormless mortals that you are. #slurpslurp” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Raises a cranium-cup To our oculoid cousins in the north: may lesser creatures fall before your armies, and the world be your buffet. May the slaves pay homage to your Great Mother, and slake her hunger.”

– Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“For too long now we have avoided conflict with the various other creatures of the Underdark. Our neutrality has caused many of them to deride us, to look down upon us as lesser beings to enslave or kill. Those days of peace are over. By the Beard of Callarduran Smoothhands, The Svirfneblin will not go gently further into the depths.

We shall rise above andprotect our own from all the evils

that this dark world presents!”

-- Christopher McGurr (Svirfneblin)

“The Darkness knows one boundary 

and that is the hopeless stone. Best to yield. 

For, the children of stone are all around you.

#Grudge #Gore”

– Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“In the Far Realm, stone is aqueous as the sweat from your pores. Tremble! The Far Realm is here! #slurpslurp” -- Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Stone is for coffins - you should know to be afraid of what is within the coffin, not the inanimate stone - silly stunted insect. We march North to fill your coffins with your maggots and pay the ancient debts.” – Gus L. (Drow)

Updated Map

Here's an updated Underdark Wars Map with the locations gridded out and given alphabet denotations. There are 40 locations to be conquered not including the 12 starting locations. The advance begin very, very shortly!

I'm over clarifying some rules questions in the Community so if you're looking for some answers I'll be about.

The Drums of War Sound in the Deep!

Here are the official rules in a handy PDF format!

The armies are marshaling their forces for war and the drums are beating throughout the Underdark! War is here, kids. War is here. 

Without giving away their troop strengths or anything that might help their opposing players here are the introduction paragraphs that alerted each of the kingdoms' players that the troops were ready.

The Beholders

The three of you (+Anders Nordberg,  +edchuk sockmonkey,  and Tom) represent the entirety of the Beholder Kingdoms! At this point the Kingdom is equally divided amongst each and it will be up to you whether these forces combine their efforts to destroy the filth cluttering your dark landscape or wage a bloody civil war.

The Drow

The mighty and proud kingdom of the Drow has chosen three to lead them into the coming war: +Andrew Davis, +Gus L, and +Jarrod Shaw! Will you unite under a single banner and crush the vile opposition or will you let your kingdom's tradition of intrigue and fratricide brake you into a civil war with each seeking to destroy the other?

The Duergar

Deep within the halls of the mighty Duergar the drums of war have begun to sound as two generals have been chosen to lead their people against the foul machinations of their neighbors: +James Aulds and +Mark Van Vlack! Will these two generals unite their forces to grind their enemies beneath their heels or will the allure of power drive a wedge between them and cause them to paint the halls of their fathers with the blood of their brothers?

The Mind Flayers

From across the endless realms of the multiverse and the infinite expanse of space the Old Ones have stirred from their slumbers and awakened two of the Elder Brains with a single thought, "The time is at hand!" Now these two have brought the kingdom under their control and have divided their forces between their cities. Will +Jim Haltom and +Nick Foster be able to work together to crack the skulls of these  lesser kingdoms or will they be driven mad by the whispers of the Old Ones and wage war against one and another?

The Svirfneblin

The rock trembles with the heavy footsteps of marching soldiers outside the halls of the deep gnomes. War has come to the Underdark again, and this one will not avoided. The Svirfneblin have sharpened their blades and have left their holds; led by two of their greatest generals: +Mike Davison and the Shadowplay! Will these generals be able to teach their enemies the meaning of fear, or will they fall to bickering and destroy each other before their enemies even have the chance?

It's pretty clear to me that I got more verbose with each call to arms. This is my first time doing one of these call-to-arms so I was experimenting with styles as I went. For me it was better when I got a bit more into building a (very limited) story for why they were going to war than when I was less descriptive. 

What do you think? Was it better when I started getting a bit more into it or when I was more subdued? Which would you prefer if you were playing?

Underdark Wars Starting Map

Click to make larger.

This is the starting map for the Underdark Wars!

Due to my scanner crapping out on me I elected to modify an existing map and use it for our first game (you can see the original here). I'm sending out everyone's starting troop levels over the next 24 hours and we will officially begin the first round on Wednesday morning with the Beholders (+Anders Nordberg, +edchuk sockmonkey, and tom, in that order). Since tom is connected through e-mail I'll be sending each of his Kingdom fellows his e-mail so that each of them can directly contact him; though I would ask that you guys key me in so that I can keep up with what's going on.

Good luck to all our players! And remember that we have a Google+ Community available for everybody! 

Let Loose the Dogs of War!

And we're live!

Today marks the first day official day of the Underdark Wars and there's still a few last things to do. I need re-draw the map and scan it since my son decided to color it last night with a black pen and the whole Beholder/Drow/Mind Flayer quadrant was destroyed. I also need to get everyone's e-mail address so I can keep everyone in the loop since we have two players that don't have a G+ account. And I'll be sending everyone's troop and resource lists out after I get back from playing D&D this afternoon.

That said I have created a Google+ Community, Underdark Wars, where most everyone can quickly communicate with each other and get things done in an easier way. Already +James Aulds has continued the Duergar tradition of talking smack in some of the most creative ways and I expect that this will be the most active use for the community! Currently it's closed to players only but I'll be using this blog to help consolidate everything into a single location.

The Teams

Beholders   | +Anders Nordberg, Tom, and +edchuk sockmonkey
Drow        | +Andrew Davis, +Gus L, and +Jarrod Shaw
Duergar     | +Mark Van Vlack and +James Aulds
Mind Flayer | +Jim Haltom and +Nick Foster
Svirfneblin | +Mike Davison and the Shadowplay

I'm having a little bit of trouble with Open Office so the finalized rules PDF will be up this evening as well after my brother helps me fix the file - that or I have to completely re-write it. Whichever come first. Until then I highly encourage you to pick your favorite team, root for them, and get ready to watch this bloody spectacle!

Underdark Wars Extended Sign-up Period

Okay guys and gals due to a family situation that happened on Tuesday I'm going to be extending the sign-up period for the Underdark Wars to Sunday at 7:00 AM EST and will post the map at 10:00 AM EST. I will also be publishing a one page PDF with all the rules for the game so that everyone playing can download a copy and have everything right in front of them whenever they need it.

Underdark Wars Current Rosters

Team        | Players

Beholder    | +Anders Nordberg 

Drow        | +Andrew Davis, +Gus L, and +Jarrod Shaw 

Duergar     | +Mark Van Vlack and +James Aulds 

Mind Flayer | +Jim Haltom and +Nick Foster 

Svirfneblin | +Mike Davison 

At this point I would like to remind everyone that there are no limits on how many people can be in any one group so feel free to bring in as many friends and allies as you would like. So if you've been on the fence about picking a team and joining now's a good time to sign up!

Come play with us!

Terrible Things Are Being Planned

We're all just spoiling for a fight at this point.

I just wanted to remind everyone that enrollment in the Underdark War Game is still open. Here are the teams as they stand at 1:18 AM EST, Tuesday morning.

Team        | Players
Beholder    | +Anders Nordberg
Drow        |
Duergar     | +Mark Van Vlack and +James Aulds 
Mind Flayer | +Jim Haltom and +Nick Foster
Svirfneblin | +Mike Davison

Now I'm not saying that there's already been a little bit of trash talking coming from the Duergar camp, but I am saying that I highly encourage inventive invectives and not only because that's an alliteration. I deeply enjoy trash talk so long as it remains in the realm of "My imaginary warriors are going to do terrible things to your sorry excuses for a fighting force" and not a dick measuring contest where we're trying to see who has the smallest pecker in the room. 

If you're on the fence for picking a side to join now's the time to get in the game. The forces are arraying for battle and the players are spoiling for a good fight. Are you just going to let them have all the fun while you sit on your computer chair and try to remember what it was like to be involved?

Don't forget that enrollment ends on Thursday morning so join the fight today!

Let's Play a Game: Underdark Wars

Imagine for the moment that you're sitting by the little pool in back of your tower in the Dale. Your beard is getting scraggly and your pipe seems to be tasting bitterly lately. Probably too many years in use, you muse as the naked Drow woman amuses herself in the pool and teases you for not being able to counter her moves in the game of chess she's been playing with you. Only there are no chess pieces and if she wins than your world, the entirety of the surface kingdoms, are hers for all time. 

You start to say something clever like, For a woman who's talking about killing me you sure are trying to make it as pleasant as possible, but then you toss that aside for fear of coming off too much like the old lecher you are. Then you see the flash hit Waterdeep and mushroom cloud blossoms overhead. Both of you drop your glasses and you hear her scream as a missile the size of your tower strikes the ground next to you.

I've just launched the first trans-dimensional nuclear attack on the Forgotten Realms. I've hit every major city in the Realms (population over 100,000) plus a number of key targets of strategic importance (like Elminster's home). The Sword Coast is a nuclear wasteland.

Due to my strategic missile strikes any above ground npc of 10th level or higher has had his home area struck. I have sent a messenger to every remaining surface kingdom in the Realms, "Surrender and live. Resist and we will annihilate you entirely from the planet."

The surface realms are no longer a threat to the power of the Underdark. Now is the time to consolidate your empires and prepare to rule all of the Forgotten Realms!

The rules:

1. Pick one of the following Underdark kingdoms to control:

Drow

Svirfneblin

Mind Flayer

Beholder

Duergar

2. If multiple people choose a single kingdom then each person represents a power group withing that kingdom and will have to either form a coalition with other groups or eliminate them to dictate the actions for the entire kingdom

3. After all participants have joined each kingdom will have its numbers divided equally among all members of that group. These sub-groups will have all identifing characteristics noted at the time they are divided (thus you'll know how many wizards, fighting-men, and the like you have at your disposal), as well as your starting treasury.

3. Wage war against other Underdark kingdoms to conquer the realms below so that you will then control the surface realms.

4. Turns
     - Each player has one turn per round.

     - Each group will act in alphabetical order (thus all Beholder players act, then all Drow, and so on), and players will act in alphabetical order by username (thus Dither would go before Shadowplay, the) within their group.
     - On your turn you may choose to either occupy an unoccupied area, reinforce an occupied area (through increased men, or building defenses), hire mercenaries, negotiate with another player, or attempt to conquer another player's occupied area. 

          - If you choose to hire mercenaries then you may hire them through one of three methods. (1) You can negotiate a rate with another player to hire a number that must be paid at the start of your turn - be mindful though, the person you hire these mercenaries from still controls them. (2.) You can hire a monstrous character from me for a rate that will be determined based on the type of creature you wish to hire and the quantity. (3.) An ally can choose to lend you a number of troops to help in your quest to conquer the Underdark; however, these troops remain under their command and will act according to their owner's direction at all times.

          - Combat is resolved in a non-randomized method by adding the following factors to see which side has the greatest total. 

      Factor      | Points Awarded

   Fighting Men   | 1 points per unit

     Wizards      | 3 points per unit

       Cleric     | 5 points per unit

  Monstrous Unit  | 7 points per unit

 Reinforced Walls | 10 points

       Traps      | 10 points per trap / max 4 traps

Mercenaries (Def) | - 8 points per unit

Mercenaries (Att) | + 8 points per unit

     - A losing force is utterly destroyed as are all traps and reinforced walls.
     - If combat results in a tie both sides lose half their fighting force. If any traps are present the defending force loses half the original number (unless the orignial number is 1 in which case all traps are lost).
     - At any time you may choose to withdraw from the game by either dividing your forces equally within your group, seeding your entire force to another player (regardless of their kingdom, though if you seed to another kingdom your forces will be treated as mercenaries from that point on under my control), or by refusing to act on your turn for 24 hours (real time).

5. The round ends when all participants have acted

6. Actions may be taken on either Google+ or on Blogger, but at the end of each round the entirety will be written up on this blog so that all participants can see the resolutions of their actions. [[ I should note that while it's not required to play if you have a Google+ account it would greatly facilitate play as I can get your attention directly and keep you from losing your turn and being pulled from the game accidentally ]]

7. Participants will be allowed to join until 7:00 AM EST Thrusday, August 28, 2014 at which point the game will be closed. 

8. Any Kingdom without representation will be divided equally among all the remaining players.

9. The Map for the game, along with everyone's starting location will be posted on Thursday morning at 10:00 AM EST. The game will officially start at at 11:00 AM EST.

It Was Over Before We Even Started Talking

It was late one evening when the local dispatch got a phone call. On the other end was a panicked young lady who started screaming, "Oh my god! You've got to help me, my car's on fire!"

"Calm down, Ma'am," the dispatcher said. "We'll send the fire department right out to you."

"Okay. Thanks," she said and started to hang up.

"Wait!" the dispatcher cried, "We don't know your address. How are we going to get to you?"

"Duh, big red truck!"

I was listening to B.B. King and looking up at the heavens above when it occurred to me that none of my friends have ever played a war game. Not a single one of us have even picked up a ruler and used it to measure out our movements on imaginary terrain.

Why?

In a lot of ways I think that it comes down to the fact that most of the people that I've played with over the years have been under the age of 30 and none of us had any of the older gamers around us to bring war gaming to the fore. I don't think  that I like that answer though. No, I really don't.

So how am I going to fix that?

Duh, big red truck . . .