Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Saying Horrible Things for Fun and Profit

One of the best parts of running the Underdark Wars game has been watching all of these really creative players come up with these complex ideas and fantastic insults. As the game goes along I'm compiling what they're writing to make it easy for everyone who comes along to read where they're going and what they're experiencing - because those sorts of records largely don't exist for any of our games, and this style of game really lends itself to a broader narrative.

Right now we're in the middle of a vote on opening up the Underdark Wars Community to the wider public so everyone can follow along as it goes. Spectators will have their own area where they can talk about the game, cheer on their favorites, and help stoke the flames of war.  

And because I've been having so much fun reading their trash talking I've collected everything so you cats who didn't have a chance to join in are able to see what you're missing! Hope you enjoy it as much as I have!

“Mark Van Vlack, shall we use plan 2.3 a 
or blitzkrieg 5.6 b to tromp them down?”
– James Aulds (Duergar)

“5.6 b naturally. Only we'll use the sneaky version this time.” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“Your plans will not matter while Nick Foster and I are feasting on your dwarven brains. It's quite a bit of work getting through the thick skulls for the tiny morsel inside.” – Jim Haltom (Mind Flayer)

“Correction ‘Duergar’ skulls, not our weaker surface loving cousins. As to the morsel you speak of will be foul and bitter, it contains only hate.” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“I don’t know what the hells going on here but I want in . . . Come to me spider queen in this time of great chaos!! May the world know your greatness at the hands of your faithful children, the TRUE rulers of the Underdark!” – Jarrod Shaw (Drow)

“Grind, Grind, Grudge, Grind , Grind, Grudge, KILL!!!!!!!!!!!”
-- James Aulds (Duergar)

“There are only grudges.” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“For you, there is only despair #slurpslurp” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“The chisels and spikes of war are being sharpened in the under-dark,pale eyes filled with hate.”
-- Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“There is no revenge for slaves. #slurpslurp” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“The most loyal servants of Lloth, those loyal beyond death, preserved with the Great Queen's own searing venom - the creche sisters, vestarches of the black city - have returned and call for war. All who are loyal to the spider queen shall march with them, and all others fall into the barbed web of destruction. 

“Lloth has marked the ancient enemy, the stunted mine worms, coal covered wretches, self style Duregar, scurrying grubs, that bastard band grown from the splintered stock of a stunted tree as the first to kneel. All else will follow. The Ghilman of Lloth are mobilizing.”
– Gus L. (Drow)

“Dwarves make good slaves and precious little else. #slurpslurp” -- Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“To all those who dare challenge the one great Beholder you shall call me Master or my visage will be the final image your eyes will gaze upon as life slowly drains from your worthless hide. “Praise to The Great Mother!”
-- Edchuck Sockmonkey (Beholder)

“What an eye-sore. Wakka, wakka, wakka!” – Mike Davison (Svirfneblin)

“You would do well to mind your tongue, gnome. The Far Realm is here. #slurpslurp” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Tremble, all you angled and jointed weaklings! 
The True Voice of the Great Mother is here, 
the most magnificently spheroid of them all. 
I've got a very special eye on each of you...”
– Anders Nordberg (Beholder)

"We watch. And we wait. 
We have all the time in the world." #slurpslurp
-- Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

"Duergar are a lesser species, little better than goats. Hardly good for eating, they are tough and stringy. Dwarves make better slaves and are not fit to rule. #slurpslurp"
-- Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Hurumph!” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“Thems fighting words if I've ever seen 'em!” – Charles Akins (Referee)

“Duergar attend only to the stone and those who should dwell within it. The Ithalid seem better suited to an aquarium, hardly a concern.” – Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“Concern yourselves with the stone, for it will be less that you have to work on when the Illithid emerge victorious. Be sure to make my chambers comfortable dwarf.” – Jim Haltom (Mind Flayer)

“I see you do not dare mention the might Beholders! That is wise, for we love calamares.” – Anders Nordberg (Beholder)

“The Far Realm is here.” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Totally beat me to the Calamari reference ! .. DAMN YOU BEHOLDERS!” -- Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“Your pitiful holds will be washed away in a wave of slime and madness, gormless mortals that you are. #slurpslurp” – Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Raises a cranium-cup To our oculoid cousins in the north: may lesser creatures fall before your armies, and the world be your buffet. May the slaves pay homage to your Great Mother, and slake her hunger.”
– Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“For too long now we have avoided conflict with the various other creatures of the Underdark. Our neutrality has caused many of them to deride us, to look down upon us as lesser beings to enslave or kill. Those days of peace are over. By the Beard of Callarduran Smoothhands, The Svirfneblin will not go gently further into the depths.
We shall rise above andprotect our own from all the evils
that this dark world presents!”
-- Christopher McGurr (Svirfneblin)

“The Darkness knows one boundary 
and that is the hopeless stone. Best to yield. 
For, the children of stone are all around you.
#Grudge #Gore”
– Mark Van Vlack (Duergar)

“In the Far Realm, stone is aqueous as the sweat from your pores. Tremble! The Far Realm is here! #slurpslurp” -- Nick Foster (Mind Flayer)

“Stone is for coffins - you should know to be afraid of what is within the coffin, not the inanimate stone - silly stunted insect. We march North to fill your coffins with your maggots and pay the ancient debts.” – Gus L. (Drow)


  1. You would almost think that we're some really mean, vindictive bastards, saying such awful things.

    1. Only if you didn't realize how freaking cool what you've written is! You guys all rock and this game is only just getting started!

    2. We are all actually quite civilized...

    3. Speak for yourself. I really am a mean, vindictive bastard that says awful things. The Noble Gnoming General fighting the good fight for the cause of his people is just some role-playing.


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