The game was starting and I was already behind.
Little Boy was running "A truly epic, evil game. You guys will not be able to keep up." That arrogance had slowed me down as I was building my character. He kept walking around the table telling us that so and so would not make it past the first village and that so and so would not make it from his mother's tit - well, I suppose that he would know about that sort of thing. I had chosen a dwarf cleric and as he passed by me I could hear him snickering. I took a sip of my tea and calmly erased all of my equipment as he flustered his way through a mock apology. "No, no. There's nothing wrong with a dwarf cleric. It's just that you've outfitted him like a fighter and you've only chosen healing spells. You do know that this is an evil campaign, right?"
Yes, I had figured that out an hour ago when you invited me to play.
I had enough money to purchase Chainmail, but no weapons and no other equipment, so I bought the fucking Chainmail while Little Boy laughed about my choice with Neverwas. "He'll be the first one!" they sniggered.
The game begin. Biggboy had a half-orc Barbarian with an orc-double axe. Neverwas had elected to become a Fighter and announced that he would be leading this little soiree into the dark side. Poot, Kid Icarus, and Baby Momma had all rolled up wizards, while Thief 1 and Thief 2 had chosen to play Druids. Only Pony Tail had chosen to play a thief.
We started in a small town out in the middle of nowhere and were told a long rambling story about the well in town being bottomless and things crawling out of it in the dead of night to steal bad little children away from their parents. I said, That's nice, and went to find the nearest shop announcing loudly, I forgot to buy a god-damned axe.
The shop, I was told, was a small little nothing with an impressive selection of weapons. The shop keeper seemed very proud of them. Naturally, as a dwarf, I said, I'd like to see some of these beauties. The shop keeper was extactic that anyone would want to see these legendary weapons and I spent a good twenty minutes listening to Little Boy extoll the virtues of this axe over that sword and how this one had killed that fabled beast. On and on he went as I dutifully said, Oh my, and, Isn't that interesting, as I worked my way through the collection of weapons waiting for one that had that special touch. Then he said those words I had been baiting him with since I had walked in there twenty minutes earlier.
"This axe has such a powerful magical aura, that just holding it sends a tingling through your limbs and makes your head light."
What kind of axe is this, I said in my best awe-stricken voice.
"This axe? Why this axe is the Vorpal axe of Garrath Giant-killer!"
Amazing, said I, could I touch it? I've never seen anything like it before.
"Of course," said the shop keep as I held the axe reverently in my hands. I gave it a few quick swings, marveling aloud at its balance and craftsmanship. Little Boy smiled as he told me that if I liked it I could buy it for a share of my future earnings; all at the low price of 85% of any treasure I earned for the remainder of my days.
That's a steep price, I said and then I split the shop keeper's head in half with his own axe.
The table grew silent as the others realized what I had done. Biggboy was the first to act, looting the shop of everything he wanted. I emptied the till and finished outfitting my cleric.
For the first few minutes Little Boy was too shocked to say or do anything; and then he proclaimed that the sheriff had entered the shop and announced, "You're both under arrest!" But he might as well have said that unicorns were real and we were imaginary fairies being played by underage orcs for all the good it did him as Biggboy swung his axe and killed the sheriff in the first round of combat.
Little Boy was sputtering as I set the shop on fire and walked out with Biggboy to wait for the inevitable clamor to start. Yet the sputtering continued so I called out that the shop was on fire and they came a running. Neverwas started trying to shout orders at everyone, telling us all that we had to get out of there now; but I wasn't really paying attention because Biggboy and I were too busy working our way through the fire line killing everyone in town.
It was all over in ten minutes, from the first swing of my axe, to the last man falling in the fire line. Then we looted the town as Neverwas attempted to admonish us. He fussed, and huffed, and then started rolling up a new character as Biggboy had cut off his head.
Click to read Part 2.
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