Monday, December 16, 2013

If You're Going to Be Evil Part 3

The door to the secret room swung open with a grinding noise that told me Pony Tail should be the first to enter, which he gleefully did. He rubbed his greedy little hands together and with a gleam in his eyes asked, "So what do I see in the secret room?"

Little Boy was getting a bit verbose in his descriptions and I had the feeling that his wife had been buying word of the day calendars again. Somewhere in there I zoned out; I believe it was around the time that he started describing the vermillion drapes and the expressions on the two-hundred porcelain dolls that seemed to watch you no matter where you went in the room. The next thing I knew Poot was nudging me in the ribs and whispering, "What sort of dumb mother fucker are we playing with here? Honestly, he hasn't even checked for traps! And now he's naming each of the dolls! What. the. fuck."
 
I don't know what sort of crazed beast we had let loose in that dungeon with us, but it was telling that Pony Tail's biggest concern wasn't looking for traps but naming the god-damned dolls and looking for "shine-ies" as he drawled it out under each one of their precious little bottoms. I stood there at the entrance way, watching him pick up each doll and gently placing it back again when he found nothing under them, and it was about that time that Biggboy noticed what was going on.

He looked at me, and then to Pony Tail, and then to Little Boy. Back and forth he went for a solid thirty seconds. In that gravely voice he said, "What's he picking up?"

Dolls.

"Is he going to fuck them?"

I don't know.

"Fuck this shit, I have people to kill and this is slowing me down," he said as he dove into the dolls, smashing them to bits.

Even though it was funny I have to admit that I was getting mightily annoyed with the boy. Pony Tail had missed trap after trap and had broken all of his daggers as we'd made our way through the dungeon, and now he was bitching about Biggboy breaking his dolls. Honestly I don't know where his priorities were, but I do know that they weren't on finding "shine-ies" and they for damned sure weren't on finding traps.

So as we're making our way forward I'm finding myself healing the fool at every turn. Already fixing his ass had burned through all but one of my healing spells and he'd drank me to my last healing potion. I know that I shouldn't have let my temper brake when at the next door he snapped my knife in the lock, but I was done with this foolishness.

"Do you have another knife?" he sheepishly asked me.

Of course I do, I replied as I slammed his head down on the doorknob and worked his jaws to open it.

"Why'd you do that," Pony Tail cried out.

The fuck do you think I did that? Check the next god-damned door. 

He pouted as he checked the door and announced that it wasn't trapped and that it wasn't locked. To this day I don't know why I believed him. He had literally failed every check throughout the dungeon and had sprung half a dozen traps on us in three rooms. So it shouldn't have been a surprise when the door blew up in my hand.

I stood there fuming that this fool had just cost me the last of my ill-gotten healing potions while Little Boy gloated and Neverwas furiously cobbled together his seventh character. And I lost my temper. I shoved Pony Tail's thief into the next door triggering a trap that knocked him unconscious. Poot and I then picked up his unconscious body and threw him through the door, and through the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that. Now you may be asking yourself if it's really appropriate to use a teammate as a battering ram. I cannot answer that for you; I can only say that it was way too much fun and that I would do it again tomorrow if given the chance.

"Great," said Poot as Pony Tail's character dissolved in the acid trap we had just sprung, "Now where are we going to find a thief?"

"You need a thief," asked Neverwas? "I just rolled one up!" And the angels wept my friends. 

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