Thursday, April 10, 2014

Is It Still Gay If We're Wearing Armor?

from the Travels of Jacqui and Lars
Yo Dyvers! 
I play this Dwarf fighter named Gilnor Axebreaker and I'm always buy stuff for other players when they've not got the cash. Drinks, meals - they're on me! But these cheap bastards always want to crowd into my room when we hit the inn!!1! How do I tell them to back off?


The easiest approach to this problem is to just look at the other players and tell them to get their own rooms. Clearly that's not what you want to hear or you wouldn't be writing to me. No, you want some way to make them suffer for being presumptuous enough to jump into your bungalow without so much as a "By your leave." So here's some ways to make those lousy sons of bitches pay for crowding your style and messing with your ability to get those imaginary ladies into your bed. 

The Wine and the Queen

In order to run this tack you'll have to pick wild mushrooms on your way back to town. My preferred way of doing this is through notes to the Dungeon Master. I usually ask for mushrooms with red caps and white dots or brown caps as these tend to be highly toxic. After finding them I always make a confirmation with the Dungeon Master that these mushrooms are dangerous. Nine times out of ten the Dungeon Master doesn't even make me roll.

Right, so this works best when you make it in to the inn early in the day. You're friends are going to start heading out into town buying bullshit healing potions and hookers. You on the other hand are going to head to the kitchen and reduce those mushrooms down to a syrup. Once you have that syrup it's time to buy a bottle of wine. How much you add to their wine is up to you, but the more you add the more likely it is you move from teaching them a lesson to killing them.

Your call. 

Twenty's a Crowd

Like this, only with chicks - or not. I won't judge.

So they're crowding into your room expecting a great night's sleep on your dime? Well fuck that noise. Instead you're going to start throwing your money around the bar. Buy drinks for everybody and raise hell like you never did in college but you always saw people doing in those movies where only rich white kids went to school. Drop tips to your waitresses that make the Dungeon Master shake his head and when everyone else starts heading to bed take the whole god damned party up to your room. 

Do that for a week and no one will ever want to room with you again.

Scattered Ashes

For this one you wait until the rest of the part is asleep. Once they're out you get up and head down to the bar. Grab a couple bottles of whiskey and pour them on your room door. Lite it on fire and walk away. 

Fuck yeah, Burning Man
If anyone lives through the experience look them dead in the eye and say, "I sleep alone mother fucker."


  1. Number three is basically how my players treat every inn, ever.. and libraries and some houses...

    1. Have we gamed together? Because I feel like we have.

  2. My current character, a halof-orc barbarian, manages to sleep alone thanks to three little words:

    Naked. Orc. Yoga.

  3. "If anyone lives through the experience look them dead in the eye and say, "I sleep alone mother fucker."

    You owe me a keyboard, mine is now swimming in coffee.

    1. Don't mind me, I'm just going to hang up a banner reading "Mission Accomplished!"

    2. My keyboard is safe, but I banged my head on the desk leaning laughing! ;)

  4. Bombs night!
    While all of you are eating dinner in the great hall of the inn order to eat only vegetables and beans in abundance and do your dishes seasoned with garlic and other ingredients with very strong taste. So avoid going to the toilet until all of you enter the bedroom. Once in the bed you open your butt and suffocate the room until they are exhausted! ;)


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