Sunday, January 3, 2016

I Saw Star Wars [Spoilers Inside]




So I saw Star Wars and enjoyed the fuck out of it. I loved the explosions; didn't fucking care that the main Chick was stupid good at everything; and hated that Han went out like a bitch. In fact that's my only real complaint: Han Solo died like a pussy while he gently caressed his murderous son's face. 

Fuck that. 

He's mother fucking Han I-shot-first-and-fucking-loved-watching-the-life-drain-out-of-his-eyes SOLO. He gets stabbed with a god damned light saber his instinct is to pull that gun off his hip and empty the barrel into that dick's face. 

You know what would have made it a lot fucking better too? Godzilla. 

Planet with a sun draining laser beam? Godzilla will take that blast and fuck the planet to death.

Star destroyer breaking up in the atmosphere and killing hundreds of innocent people? Godzilla does that every day. Why are you crying about those people this time? What? Did you forget that Godzilla hates you more because you're whining about the fucking force and some chick who can do everything?

What I'm saying is that this movie could have used a lot more Godzilla and Han shooting people in their stupid fucking faces. 


  1. Best review I have read thus far..
    I agree.
    More Godzilla...
    and perhaps Jet Jaguar...that bastard needs a second film.

    1. Jet Jaguar? Who is this that must now be in my life?

  2. Actually, I glad for the "heads up!" Thanks!

    1. Your welcome. May the next movie have more Godzilla.

  3. As much as I love your commentary, Charles, I respectfully disagree.

    Han and Leia are completely broken because of their child. Han sees an opportunity to reach out to the good child he once knew. This is very much a parent's dilemma.

    Your son may commit murder or do other terrible things, but he is still your child, and you have the believe that there is some part of him that is redeemable... that is not a psychopath.

    Han's story arc is one of an anti-hero. He starts out a greedy, morally corrupt rogue, but redeems himself through his actions. In the end, he is a sad father who still has faith that there is something left of the son he once knew.

    In any event, the real problem was that the death was no surprise at all. It should have been a moment of shock, but when he walks out onto the catwalk, you already know he's dead. That bummed me out. It could have been made so much more surprising.

    Ren should have let Han take the lightsaber, started walking back with him fooling the audience into thinking something else might be happening, had the camera slowly reveal his face turn from sad, beaten boy to angry, raging youth (maybe even gleeful), force pulled the lightsaber back from his surprised father's hand and struck him down, Qui-Gon style.

    Way more shocking.

    1. I would counter that by adding that Godzilla would have made Han's death far more unexpected and exciting. Just imagine it, they're on the platform having their little moment when Ren force jumps backwards as Godzilla eats Han.

      Win for everybody right there! Except for Han, but, you know, that happens . . . Don't judge me.

  4. True that. Godzilla would have been a pretty surprising way to go.

  5. Agree on everything stated -- just "thumbs up" agreement.

  6. I am on-board with Godzilla. Not enough giant monsters represented in Star Wars (Rancor was token).

    And yeah, Han's death was predictable and kind of lame. Expanded Universe Han was way cooler.


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