Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Nobody Makes it Out Alive Part 1: Picking a Fight

Tell me again what he said to Kid Icarus?

"According to Kid Icarus he said that there wasn't a single group of players in the county who could make it past the first level of this dungeon of his," Poot said as he picked a bit of tortilla chip from in between his teeth. "Seems Little E has come to the conclusion that there isn't a man in this county with two nuts between his legs."

Was he baiting us, or did he really think Kid Icarus wouldn't spread that garbage?

"Does it really matter?"

I suppose not. Who all are we bringing in for this cluster?

"Icarus is down for the game; said he's already working up a Druid. I'm thinking about rolling with a Barbarian. You?"

I'll fill in the gap after we've got everyone else sorted out.

"Fair enough. I'm thinking Step-up will come along."

There's our Rogue. 

"I know, right? Who else is available?"

Let's see. Biggboy's available and so is Little Boy. 

"Little Boy is out."


"He's in his own little world of pain and self-importance right now." I took a sip of my Long Island Iced Tea and listened as Poot started telling me about an altercation that involved the police and a flight out of town in the trunk of a car. It was assumed that he would be back in a few weeks but until then he was busy trying to drink his life away across the state line. All things considered it was probably for the best.

That means we definitely need Biggboy to play or we'll be going in with a four man team. 

"I know that you don't like him, but what if we brought Neverwas along for the ride."


"He swears that he's been working on how to play and that he's got everything together"

Fine, make the call - but just know that when he steps over the line I'm letting Step-up off his chain. 

Poot gave a little smirk, "Actually," he said, "I'm counting on Step-up to end his world." 

Twenty minutes and four Long Island Iced Teas later we had our group ready for Little E's big adventure. Biggboy was playing a Barbarian. Step-up had his Rogue. Neverwas would be playing a wizard. Kid Icarus had come up with a Subterranean Druid build he wanted to test out. Poot had elected to play a Fighter, and I was going to be rolling a Cleric. With the group sorted out it was time for me to call Little E and pick a fight.

I dialed the number Poot fed me and waited for Little E to answer while two drunken hippies started strumming their guitars along to a half-forgotten Jimmy Buffett song about a broken flip-flop. "Hello," Little E answered.

E, it's Charlie. I hear you've got an adventure where no one can make it past the first level.

"I don't know where you heard that, Charlie." he said sounding like a four year old child trying to get out of an ass whipping. 

Let's not bullshit each other here, E. We both know that you've been running your mouth and talking out the side of your neck for anyone who can hear. What's the dungeon?

A long sigh, and then, "It's the World's Largest Dungeon and I've been running it for the last six weeks and no one's made it past the sixth room."

That cake walk? Are you running it as it was written or off the cuff?

"As written. Listen, Charlie, it's a killer dungeon and even your bullshit wouldn't make it more than three rooms."

Is that a challenge?

"You know what? Yeah, yeah it is. You and whatever bullshit group you put together wouldn't make it past the third room."

Fifty dollars says we make it through the third room without a single player death.

"You couldn't make it out of the first room without killing one of your own players."

And you couldn't find your dick with both hands and a microscope. Do we have a bet or not?

"You're on, we start tomorrow at five."

The fuck we do. We start at eight.

"Eight then, and bring your money 'cause this is going to hurt," he said before hanging up.


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