Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Nobody Makes it Out Alive Part 3: Words of Wisdom and Hints of Dissension

"If we're going to be able to see when this fucker pulls out the stops then we're going to need an alternative to magical light," Poot said. "I'm thinking that we need to make sure that everyone has a hooded lantern and 20 pints of oil."

I leaned in close to Poot, Don't take this wrong, but I've got to use my space for something else.


Ju-ju cans.

"Ju-ju cans? What the hell are ju-ju cans?"

Low grade napalm. Sugar, oil and a clay jug with an oily rag for a fuse. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of and I aim to haunt his dreams. 

"How many are you making?"

Four. I don't think I can get away with any more. Icarus has the book where I can buy the sugar so I'm set. If Little E balks on the hireling I'll work him. 

"Alright," he whispered back to me, then at full volume, "Charlie's out of this equation so the rest of us are going to have to carry four extra to help cover that load. He's going to shoot for the hireling and if that works we'll push more oil in his pack."

"You know E's just going to have him bolt on us," Neverwas helpfully chimed in, "I know I sure as fuck would."

How about you let me worry about that.

"Just trying to be helpful."

Yeah, well you're about as helpful as a bullet to the back of the head. 

"Kids, kids," Step-up said with a shake of his head, "let's focus on the task at hand. Worrying about the shit that might happen will only make the outcome more dreadful. Besides, if the hireling balks we'll light him up and use him as a human torch"

"Right," Poot said. "Does everyone have their equipment written down? Be sure and keep track of your weights, you know that bastard's going to check. Alright, last order before we head over: who's going to tie break. Neverwas after last time you don't get a vote and you're out of the running for tie breaker so don't even think about it."

I was thinking Step-up. He always survives and living is the goal. 

"I don't want it," Step-up said. "The goal may be to live but I'd rather focus on my own ass if it's all the same. Besides, when you tie break you can't vote when we're down there - and I need that vote."

"How about Kid Icarus," Biggboy suggested. "He's always coming up with solutions to problems no one else has thought of before."

"I'd rather have him in the active voting pull," Step-up responded. "No offense, Icarus, but when you're the tie break you tend to keep quite when we need to hear from you."

"None taken," Kid Icarus said. "I just always feel like if you're going to be the tie breaker that you need to spend more time listening than talking. That way when you cast a vote you've heard everyone involved."

Fair enough but I'm with Step-up, we need you active. How about Poot?

"Are you sure?" Poot asked.

Yeah, you've been running this show since we made the call. I think we should stay with the hot hand. Anyone object? I watched each of their faces as they nodded in agreement. Poot was always a good choice as tie break since he tended to think first and then act - always a good quality in a tie break. Then that's settled. Poot's the tie break. 

Now some of you reading this might wonder why we use a tie break when we've got six players involved in the game. As a group we run on a democratic system with each major decision being voted on. Neverwas was not allowed a vote because during our last campaign he attempted to rig an outcome and was caught. We forgave him being a cheating fuck, but we did not forget. By being elected the tie break Poot abstains from all votes unless there's a tie at which time he casts the final say. This method isn't for everyone but over the years it's kept us from having major incidents of infighting and has propelled us to victories that would have escaped the grasp of other groups.

 "Anyone have any last points to go over before we head to E's?" Poot asked.

Yeah, Little E loves to set up mental traps. He's known most of you guys for the better part of a decade so he knows your buttons. Watch for him to push them when we're in there. 

Don't let this son of a bitch in your heads.


  1. LoL how many parts are you planning on? Always seems like the stories are too short... just sayin... ;)

    1. I don't know. I'm just writing it till I get bored or the story gets to it's end. ;P

  2. Is this stuff getting put together in a PDF? It's got real bite, but in a gut busting hilarious sort of way. Where did you come up with those names...?

    1. Yeah, I'm actually working on a collection of all my stories right now.

      "Where did you come up with those names"

      Generally they're based on something about the people that stands out to me.


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