Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Forgotten Citadel, Part 3, the Journey Begins

"You were all living your lives as you always had, but this morning something strange happened," Neverwas intoned. "When you awoke you were not in your homes, the beds you had slept so soundly in were gone and your night clothes have been replaced with your armor, adventuring gear, and equipment. You're all fully rested and feel amazing."

Questions were fired at him but like a wall he gave us nothing useful. So instead of worrying about our current conditions I sipped my cocktail and began to contemplate all the things that I had done wrong with my life.

Finally it seemed that our fruitless questions had spurred the story forward. Neverwas announced that we had a new arrival. "A beautiful, blind elf maiden stands before you. She is clothed in the finest silks and just being near her seems to cause time to slow. As you all stare at her . . ."

I never said I was just staring at her. 

"What?"

I said that I wasn't just staring at her. I'm going to slide up next to her and take a shot at her.

"You're attacking her?"

Only if that's a sexual metaphor for what this orc cock is going to do to that elven -

"That's enough of that. You're hideous and there's no way that she would ever consider going with you."

I thought you said she was blind.

"I did. But," he stammered.

"Then he should get a shot," chimed in Thief 1. "I mean if anyone can get at that elven -"

"No one is going after anything you bunch of horn dogs," Neverwas snapped.

I'm not really all that horny, more bored than anything else. I mean if you could get on with the show here we might not have to do this to entertain ourselves.

He started sputtering like an old ford and finally he blew out, "I've been trying to give you the set up for the last five minutes!"

"Really," Poot asked. "You should do better than this then. Because it sounded to me like you were trying to see which of us could nail that blind elf."

"Have you been listening at all?"

Of course he has, and what I'm wanting to know is what sort of game you're trying to run here? I mean first you have us snatched from our beds and now you've got us trying to screw a blind elf like she's some sort of dollar a poke whore. 

"I wasn't trying to do any such thing!"

"Well I'm highly offended by all that, Neverwas," piped in Baby Mamma. "I think that you ought to get on with the story before Thief 1 and I decide to leave."

His mouth hung slightly open and he cut his eyes first at me, then slowly he rounded on the entire table, taking each of us in turn. "Are you all threw being smart asses? 'Cause I'd really like to move on from here."

I imagine that he believed he had just snapped us all back to attention because the table met him with silence. The truth, however, was that we had only paused to light cigarettes and refresh our beverages. In either case he decided to take full advantage of the silence. "The blind elf looks at you and says, 'Each of you have been brought here by your Gods and Goddesses to aid my beloved Master as he seeks to reunite his divine person.'"

It was at that point that the Master Planner let out a low groan. I cut my eyes over and he waved me off. It seems that we were walking into a trope of the genre. Ah well, I thought, at least this has a chance to go longer than a single night. 


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