Friday, February 28, 2014

Batman's a Chump.

Forgive me for a moment as I take a dip in the crazy pool of a comic fan's what ifs. If you don't like it, here, read this instead it's role-playing related and funny.

This morning I saw a group of posts asking the question, "Who would win in a fight between Batman and Captain America?"

Naturally the majority of respondents slavishly proclaimed that Batman would win because he has his utility belt and that means that he's prepared for anything and blah, blah, blah, he punched Superman in the face, blah, blah, blah, totally could kick everyone elses asses in the DC universe, blah, blah, blah.


Batman would no more win this fight than would the Flash lose a foot race to him. Captain America isn't some punk who holds back his punches and has these long moral crises where he wonders if he's doing the right thing. Cap kills motherfuckers for breakfast and doesn't think twice about them.

I know, I know, in the crossover they drew with neither of them fighting the other and blah, blah, blah.

That was a company conceit and not a realistic result of the contest. 

Sure, Batman is this great guy who's pushed his body to it's peak, but in the end he's still a regular guy fighting a super human in Cap - you know, a guy who has a healing factor, super strength, intellect, and is deadly as fuck all. Look, you can argue that Bats has fought some really dangerous guys and I suppose that's true, considering that the creatives at DC have forgotten that he's just a fucking human being, but in the end he's not fighting guys like the Red Skull - you know, real villains who aren't laughable caricatures and actually pose a real threat to their imaginary world.

Sure, Batman fights the Joker who ain't shit on the big scale.

Look, Batman's villains are only on the small scale. They fight over Gotham and on the rare occasion that Batman steps out of his city they organize quasi-nation spanning conspiracies that don't even come up on Superman's radar. Compare him to the Red Skull who literally tries to burn the world (and may have succeeded on multiple occasions depending on which continuity you follow) and the Joker doesn't even rate. 

He's not even on the same scale.

Hell, while we're at it, let's be real honest for just a second. Until you get to Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, and the Green Lanterns DC's superheroes and villains don't even come into the same conversation as Marvel's. 


  1. It's perhaps worth noting that Batman is supposed to be "The World's Greatest Detective" -- a title he shares with only Sherlock Holmes, if Wikipedia is to be trusted. He could perhaps beat Captain America in a battle of wits. If it came down to a punching contest, however, you're absolutely right. Batman is human. Captain America is superhuman.

    1. Cap is the master strategist of the Marvel Universe where wars come about every summer and death is a revolving door. Batman loses in every phase I tell you! EVERY PHASE!

      Maybe I'm taking this crazy comic book fan thing too far?

  2. You can't compare Marvel to DC. It's purely subjective and they live in different universes. Many DC heroes do tend to be more "street level" and less powers-based, than Marvel. That's a general statement and of course there are exceptions.

    One is not fundamentally "better" than the other. It comes down to personal choices and what you grew up with, partly.

    I grew up with Marvel comic books but with DC on TV (other than those old crazy 1960's Spider-Man cartoons, which I loved). So I have a history with both.

    Both companies have some great titles and characters, and also some lame ones.

    I had a good friend of mine ridicule Green Arrow up and down about how lame he was, and yet this same guy went out and bought PURPLE ARROWS when he started taking archery lessons, because Hawkeye uses purple arrows. This fellow also thinks that characters like "Elongated Man" and "Animal Man" are "stupid" because they have stupid names, even though he knows nothing about them. But he had no defense when I mentioned such "classic" Marvel characters as "Squirrel Girl," "Walrus," and "Eye Scream."

    Even Rocket Raccoon (whom I think it cool) is, at first glance if you know nothing about him, kind of lame. The context makes him cool - his character and how he's written.

    My personal opinion is, enjoy the stories by reading them and engaging with them, rather than reading them looking for plot holes and clues as to who is better. Down that path lies madness. Madness, I tell you!

    1. Martin, there are so many reason I like you.

      That said, I grew up on Marvel and got heavily into DC during the early 2000s before they got super gimmick driven again, so I feel where you're coming from. That said, I've been bitching about this since that last crossover event between Marvel and DC.

      So, yeah, I'm a little bit down the rabbit hole on this one.

  3. I consider myself pretty familiar with comic books and I'm not sure what character you're describing. Is there a different Captain America you're talking about? Are we talking Ultimate Cap? Among his 'superhuman' abilities you mention a healing factor and intellect. OK. I guess Cap is pretty smart but I never thought of him as having a superhuman intellect. A healing factor? That would make sense but again, does he actually have one?

    Also "Cap kills motherfuckers for breakfast and doesn't think twice about them". And...when did he do that? World War II? Anytime recently? Like in the last two decades? I really can't recall the mad, killing spree of Steve Rogers. Granted, I haven't read every issue of every comic but this is not the Captain America I am familiar with.


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