Saturday, April 12, 2014
Courting Disaster was How I Used to Talk About Sleeping with You
I was laying bed one night talking with a girl I'd never met who lived out west but desperately wanted me to come see her for a night of awkward groping when the second earthquake I'd ever recognized hit and knocked the phone off the wall, cutting her off. Well, fuck, I said as my roommate raced out the dorm in his boxers screaming "We're all going to fucking die!"
The whole dorm was moving as I stuck my head out the door and saw young men racing down the hallway, jumping floors, and panicking like a flock of chickens that just saw its shadow. I was too drunk at that point to panic so I picked the phone off the floor and started trying to hang it back on the wall. I did not succeed by the time the building stopped shaking so I figured that I must have failed the test and went back to bed.
When the morning came some asshole pulled the fire alarm to chase us from our beds. My roommate poked his head from under the covers and groaned, "I'll pay a thousand dollars for that mother fucker's head!"
I sat up and laughed. Still won't be enough.
He got out of bed and started getting dressed. "Then two thousand - but I get to skull fuck the bastard afterwards."
We made it outside just as the fire truck pulled up and our Dorm Assistant stomped over to us. "You two should have been out here five minutes ago!"
"I'll be damned if I let you talk to me like that," my roommate growled. "Pistols at dawn you shit fucker!"
"Are you calling me gay?"
"Hell no, but the guy you blew last night sure as fuck is!"
The two were still going back and forth as I made it to Bear's jeep. Tell me you have a beer with my name on it?
"Shit," he said as he handed me a Miller Lite, "this is a dry campus sir and I'll have you know that I find it highly offensive you would even suggest that I might posses such a substance."
I leaned against his jeep sipping the beer while a group of future engineers worked on a bomb they assured us wouldn't go off until they were ready. "So did she call again?"
"You know, the girl from California."
"What's going on there?"
Fuck if I know. I'm fairly certain she's just trying to lure me out to California to steal my kidneys.
"Best make them worthless then," he said as he tipped his beer towards me.
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