Let me be upfront from the start: I didn't buy this book.
It's only 178 pages long, and at the current price of just under $27, it's quite expensive as well. So already one's expectations are for a good quality product, given that it costs over 15 cents per page (or 30 cents per sheet, in other words).
Just for comparison, my local Woolworths has toilet paper on sale for 20 cents per ONE HUNDRED sheets, or less than 1% the price per sheet of this book!!
As I confessed at the start, I haven't actually bought this book, so I just have to assume that it's printed on the same kind of paper that most paperbacks are printed on. If you're like me, and have occasionally wiped your nether regions with a sheet of an old Agatha Christie murder mystery, or maybe a Deepak Chopra self-help title, you know that it's a poor substitute for a good-quality piece of toilet tissue. So, without any evidence or claims to the contrary, I have to assume that this paperback is the same, with rough, untextured and single-ply pages that irritate, and (let's be honest) don't actually do as good a job at wiping as proper toilet tissue.
I Pretended To Read It So You Don't Have To,
For those of you who are too busy with more important things, like extracting your pancreas using only a crazy straw, I’ve prepared a précis of this game-changing tome:
Chapter 1: I, Bernard - In which our hero, speaking about himself in the third person (muchos gravitas!) tells us what’s in store when a Whole Lotta Cory’s Goin’ On. The author provides a long list of words that rhyme with Cory, which I think he nicked from the Simpsons, and there’s more than one topless foldout. All very classy ladies, nothing too blue, but don’t read it on the tram without smelling salts handy, or undergarments that cater for glorious wide-ons.
Chapter 2: Llama Sutra - Those who shelled out for the illustrated hardcover version are in for a treat here, as the C-word presents us with his vision of Australia as the zoolovin' capital of the galaxy. Marvel at the lovingly drawn illustrations depicting our inevitable slide into a nation of rat-rooting root-rats; the vibe is somewhere between Snugglepot & Cuddlepie and Caligula. Simply The Bestiality from the LNP’s number one senator.
Chapter 3: Common Sense Don’t Live Here No More - A lover’s lament in which the C-Bern recounts for us the saddest of sad circumstances by which he parted ways with Common Sense. SPOILER: Apparently Common Sense moved out in 1977, but they’ve been keeping up appearances for the sake of the kids. See how a harmless tiff over closet space can escalate into a tragedy of such gravity that it makes Romeo & Juliet look like a couple of deadset whingers.
Chapter 4: The New, Clear Family - Having solved the world’s problems writ large, our fearless scribe turns his considerable powers of crayon-rendering to the troublesome household issue of Families That Don’t Look Like Cory’s. Shake your head in amazement as Cory recounts the tale of how he single-handedly impounded all cars in South Australia which didn’t have any 30-55 year old blokes displayed prominently on their My Family stickers.
I’d love to recount more tales from this true believer’s guide to middle earth, but these fingernails won’t pull themselves off. Ta-ta for now, book lovers.
So that's really all there is to it: it's overpriced, and inferior to competing products, so why would you buy it? The Kleenex and Scott products are much better value for money, more effective, and so much more pleasant to use.
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD,
The Dark One hungers. In his pit of eternal hatred he squats in the darkness feeding on the screams of the weak. Soon, his blood tide reaches a peak and he will scourge the unbelievers. Cory Bernardi claims he feels the hunger and screams for the blood of innocents, but his devotion to slaughter is not as strong as he would have you believe. His altars are empty. His axe is not stained wtih blood. This is not the Old Ways, Brother Bernardi. You know nothing of our dark rage. You barely even call for the murder of the pregnant women. NNGU'THALI-SZACTA!
A Christian approach to Beastiality,
Cory Bernardi's compassionate treatise on Christian evangelical bestiality and it's fundamental link to sexual and emotional dysfunction amongst heterosexuals should make Evangelical Christians everywhere take pride in their primal beastial urges and inability to grasp reality. His adolescent obsession with dogs and the subsequent emotional fallout within his family when he finally realises that the Bible strictly forbade inter-species relations is explained here in clear, concise language that even the most fundamental of fundamentalists can understand. It is truly a major work in Dadaist eroticism, if a little puke-making. This work of semi-fiction, based on real-life experiences but with the real names changed, is an emotional and terrifying journey through the religious landscape that turns out evangelical Christians and explains why their inner anger and hatred spurs them on to spread this anger and hate, not only within their own borders, but predominantly in developing countries, especially Uganda. Part fable, part travelogue, part horror story, and a lot comedy, the chapters unfold like a nightmare one never awakes from. Bound to be a bestseller in third world countries with extremely low literacy rates and high gun ownership levels, Bernardi's book "The Conservative Revolution" is a superb analysis of just what lies beneath the dark veil of right wing politics...and it is often a dog with it's hind leg raised, in anticipation, begging to be taken. Finally we have a book that lays bare the essence of Christian Fundamentalism - a denial of the teachings of Jesus in epic proportions in favour of big business, weapons manufacturing and Dog Food suppliers. Bernardi - a failed Australian politician, removed to it's back bench by his own party- having found his voice muffled even by people on his own side- launches out here in fairly mono-syllabic ways to spread his message of homo-hatred and fear of vaginal sex. Poorly written, appallingly edited and at times a touch hysterical, this is the sequel to The Exorcist you have all been waiting for. Let's just hope the movie is better than this book. Highly recommended for readers suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. If this doesn't move you ,Try Pat Robertson's "69 Positions with your Cat".
They only get better as you go through the nearly 500 negative reviews. I imagine it's even better than actually reading this garbage!
Many thanks to +George Takei for sharing this find with the world!