So You're Picking a Race to Play?

I picked up a new player this weekend and he was wondering about the races available for play in Dungeons and Dragons. So here's a quick overview of our conversation.

Elves

From the Hippy Elf Chick Blog, read her, she rocks.

While some claim that I hate these tree loving, sheep fuckers that simply isn't true. They're the environmental, vegan, alternative medicine using free thinkers that tend to get themselves and everyone they love killed in a blood soaked dungeon.

Wait, didn't you tell me that in order to go through their entrance into Castle Greyhawk they wanted me to eat a human heart?

You really need to stop mumbling son, it's hard to understand you.

Dwarves

Cornish Miners circa turn of the century

Do you remember when you were little and sat on your front porch watching the miners come out with the billowing lime covering everything for miles around? They walked right down from the mouth of that cavernous shaft and made their way across the street to Milo's Grocery where they bought moonshine and smoked cigars until they fell asleep in the street and we all had to go around them while the cops took them over to the trailers where they could sleep until their next shift?

I honestly don't ever remember that happening.

You're basically talking about Dwarves.

Gnomes

Rodeo Clowns by Jennifer Heisler

These tiny little guys are the professional clowns of Dungeons and Dragons. They'll stand on a cliff casting an illusionary gigantic, neon, cock to distract the dragon so that everyone else can get away and then dodge the dragon's attacks for the next hour just for fun.

Do people actually play these guys?

After reading that description how could you not?

Half-elves

New York Dolls by Yoni Goldberg

The belligerent, half-breed children a kinder god would never have allowed to be brought into this world. Hated by the elvish kin and distrusted by their human relatives; these poor bastards wonder the world over creating their own place in it. If they're lucky they make it to old age, but far more likely is the dark truth that they'll die alone in some forgotten shit hole far from anyone they know and love.

So I shouldn't play them?

It's up to you.

Halflings

From the tumbler From Greece to Anarchy

A fool will tell you that halflings are nothing more than a cheep knock-off of J.R.R. Tolkien's hobbits, but listen to me and know that these bastards danced on the embers of falling civilizations and ground the hopes and dreams of millions under their boots. They come out of the darkness and perform their weird rituals and mad dances while the rest of the world cowers within their homes, under the covers and praying to unresponsive gods.

Am I supposed to want to play these guys or kill them?

Play them of course, they're not Kinder for god's sake.

What?

Half-orcs

Chosen Few History by Elliot Gold

Half-orcs are the hard fighting, motorcycle riding, outlaws of the world. Too savage to be civilized and too crazed to be anything but a savage misstep in the evolutionary history of the world.  They're brought into this world through compromise and improvisation but stare it down with hatred and an uncompromising viciousness that's shunned by the rest of the world.

I recommend playing them only after you've finished your drink.

You just poured me a glass of antifreeze. What the fuck kind of game is this?

Humans

From this year's Burning Man

Some say they're just waiting around for the massive implosion that's bound to happen sooner or later; while others say they're just looking for a good time aided by unbridled pharmaceutical enthusiasm. Either way, lately they've been burning a lot of shit in the desert and picking fights with every authority figure on the planet.

A good time to play one, don't you think?